Lola Nocheprieta
Diamond Member
@Teddy Bear, I'm sorry for what you've gone through. I understand somewhat, having been sexually abused as a child myself. My abusers were all male, and I am a lesbian. I am perfectly comfortable with my sexual orientation, but I have the benefit of being raised by a feminist mother. But I do know the pain of how past sexual abuse affects one's current sexual experiences, irrespective of orientation.
Here's what I find completely hypocritical of people who "blame" one's sexual orientation on past abuse: they wonder if men "turn gay" because they were abused by men (so, saying they liked the abuse?! That's a f*cked up assumption.) On the other hand, they say women "turn gay" because they were abused by men (saying they only turned to other women because of bad experiences with men.) It just doesn't pan out either way. If women became lesbians due to sexual abuse by men there'd be a helluva lot more of us running around, like, 1 in 4 women would be gay.
I personally believe one's orientation and gender identity are innate, and everything else, attraction, behavior, preferences, etc., our overall expression of our sexuality, is a complex mix of nature and nurture. And as long as we're talking consenting adults, it's all good.
That said, sexual assault and sexual abuse has a huge negative impact on our lives, especially our sexuality and ability to feel good about ourselves. I'm so sorry for whatever you went through, and I would encourage you to find a trauma-informed, sex-positive therapist who can help you sort through your conflicting feelings. I hope that helps you find some comfort, perspective, and peace.
And also, fwiw, I agree with @Mal Content: if you are in a married, monogamous relationship, then that supersedes orientation. My step-dad was with Bob for 11 years before he and my mom got together. They've been happily monogamous for 30 years now, and my step-dad still identifies as bisexual. Just saying, at the end of the day, love is love.
Warm hugs if you accept them!
Here's what I find completely hypocritical of people who "blame" one's sexual orientation on past abuse: they wonder if men "turn gay" because they were abused by men (so, saying they liked the abuse?! That's a f*cked up assumption.) On the other hand, they say women "turn gay" because they were abused by men (saying they only turned to other women because of bad experiences with men.) It just doesn't pan out either way. If women became lesbians due to sexual abuse by men there'd be a helluva lot more of us running around, like, 1 in 4 women would be gay.
I personally believe one's orientation and gender identity are innate, and everything else, attraction, behavior, preferences, etc., our overall expression of our sexuality, is a complex mix of nature and nurture. And as long as we're talking consenting adults, it's all good.
That said, sexual assault and sexual abuse has a huge negative impact on our lives, especially our sexuality and ability to feel good about ourselves. I'm so sorry for whatever you went through, and I would encourage you to find a trauma-informed, sex-positive therapist who can help you sort through your conflicting feelings. I hope that helps you find some comfort, perspective, and peace.
And also, fwiw, I agree with @Mal Content: if you are in a married, monogamous relationship, then that supersedes orientation. My step-dad was with Bob for 11 years before he and my mom got together. They've been happily monogamous for 30 years now, and my step-dad still identifies as bisexual. Just saying, at the end of the day, love is love.
Warm hugs if you accept them!
