Relationship When To Say When?

[Deleted member 38137]

That's good to hear, it wouldn't be nice if he was being verbally absuive!! It takes a pretty relaxed...

Yeah, I know that one. It's frustrating. 2 weeks after we started dating, he asked me to delete my online profile. Then couldn't understand when I went PSYCHO that he was changing pictures in his. I was like WHAT? And he also pulls the no labeling thing. Hmmm...but I sleep in your bed, cook your dinner, do your laundry, have sex with you and we go to family functions together like Thanksgiving but we are not boyfriend/girlfriend....HMMMM....

I think I am going to take your advice though. I am backing off. I have my own life going on and I really don't think this is healthy for me to pursue as much as I have. I'm a 44 year old mother who has a 21 year old daughter who's about ready to have a baby at any time. I think I'd be better off to devote my energy to my new grandson. At least he cannot tell me that I'm too needy. lol.

I truly think he does love me based on the way he looks at me and the little things. But he's not ready to live life. And I think I am ready to. I have not called or texted today and I don't think I'm going to. I can't rely on him for shit. So why bang my head against the wall???

Enough about me for now, but I see that you are British. What war was your bf involved in???

 

[dulcia]

But how, he barely responds to me sexually. Yet, will talk about how the kitty is his...blah, blah, blah.

I get told the same exact thing. Especially after an argument. It's like saying that is his way to make up for any bad things he said/show feelings. Man.

 

[Deleted member 38137]

I get told the same exact thing. Especially after an argument. It's like saying that is his way to m...

Yup, they want you only to themselves but only on their terms. Then act befuddled when you get angry/hurt/confused by their actions. He always says things like "well that was my first mistake" when I ask him why he will do things such as ask me to delete my online profile/not date other guys/etc....
It's so annoying.

 

[Friday]

however if you can't deal with the hot and cold nature of this relationship then dating someone with PTSD is really not for you.

Very much this. In fact, the whole post @ N2ptsd I can't like enough.

But the emotional abuse I go through with the mental withdrawal and coming back is killing me. He has many good qualities but I cannot take his rejection

he's got me feeling like I'm a needy attention whore

I have a need for companionship that he doesn't seem to understand or if he does, it seems like it overwhelms him.

What I cannot handle is the rejection

I can't rely on him for shit.

Very much echoing what Newtoptsd has said. Isolating isn't something all sufferers do, but many do, and that's not going away.

",...I just want to get him to act normal. Or as near to it as possible.

Never gonna happen.

It's like saying the relationship with wheelchair guy is great, except he can't walk, and you reeeeeeally just want him to walk! :banghead: Why can't he understand you just need him to walk???

Maybe just not the man for me. Or probably anybody to be honest with you. I

Actually, the same things that you hate, are things someone else could seriously love. (Alternating intense + independent = exactly what they need&want in a relationship); and others will simply not be bothered by (they don't take isolating personally, nor as rejection).

I feel sorry for him and want to be there

This isn't a reason to stay.

 

[Deleted member 38137]

Very much this. In fact, the whole post @ N2ptsd I can't like enough.







Very much echoing what Newt...

I don't think that I'm that unrealistic...lol. I understand that legless people can't walk. I don't understand why someone with these issues doesn't go to counseling. I am codependent. I know this. I have made many bad decisions because of it. I go to counseling. I go to group therapy. I read books about my disorder. I know that I have it and I do my best to not succumb to it.

I'm also sure that is part of my attraction to him. He's kinda broke inside and I have an innate desire to fix him. I also realize that no amount of me complaining, crying or whining is going to do that. Also no amount of my unprofessional help is either.

Part of the reason that I am on this forum is to not only get a better understanding but also come to terms with the decision that I am going to have to make...Should I stay or should I go??? I know this is inevitable. :(

 

[Sweetpea76]

I see some things jumping out at me in this thread. I'll have to break things up into a few posts because one long one would be too squirrelly.

PTSD relationships are not like any other relationship you've ever been in. If you're expecting a traditional relationship, you're going to be in for a rough time.

I have tried to convey my feeling and expectations - to no avail.

He may not be healthy enough to meet your expectations. If you want to pursue this relationship you are going to have to be realistic. Instead of focusing on how he isn't meeting your expectations of a relationship, examine your expectations and decide if any of them are flexible. It is fine if they aren't, but that is when I'd say a PTSD relationship isn't for you. If you decide you can compromise, then you have to find what works for YOUR relationship.

Like this for an example...

And he also pulls the no labeling thing. Hmmm...but I sleep in your bed, cook your dinner, do your laundry, have sex with you and we go to family functions together like Thanksgiving but we are not boyfriend/girlfriend....HMMMM....

Consider for a minute if the label of "girlfriend" is important enough to get upset over. Like I've said before, it's fine if it is important to you. However, if the label stresses him out, BUT you're in a monogamous relationship and do all the girlfriend/boyfriend things, is not being called his "girlfriend" a deal breaker?

I've been with my vet for years and we don't use the term bf/gf. Its a source of stress for him for some reason, and to me adding stress isn't worth it. As long as we're monogamous he can call me the tooth fairy for all I care. In my opinion actions beat words.

Also

then don't forget the Vicodin withdrawals because the VA is so on time with his medications.

This is always going to be a factor. The VA will never not f*ck up meds. You will have to either set a boundary about the level of prickish behavior you'll tolerate or learn to give him some space when it happens. Pain = stress, and stress= symptoms. This is going to be one of those times that you'll have to give up on normal relationship activities.

 

[Friday]

I don't understand why someone with these issues doesn't go to counseling

Honestly, his PTSD does sound mild &/or very well managed. He's going to school. He's maintaining relationships. He's going out (not as often as you'd like, but he is doing it). He's not lashing out / out of control. He's not engaging in a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms (or maybe any?). At the very least, he's very high functioning. Which can take people years and years to get to that level. And it may also be the absolute best it will ever get. (Although, if so, expect things to get worse from time to time). As in he may well be completely thrilled with the life he's able to lead now / this is the life he wants & has worked really hard for.

The very issues you're talking about, may actually be the tools that allow him to be this high functioning. Many many many sufferers use isolation as a tool in order to keep their stress levels in manageable levels. For those that do, it's just part of the disorder, that will always be there.

If not? If he's actually having a lot of problems symptom wise that he wants to deal with? Then he also probably knows that unlike most disorders trauma therapy makes PTSD worse for a time. Which means hat he'd need to set up his life to be able to deal with that hard blow. Being in a brand spanking new relationship? Not the time to start trauma therapy! And that's before taking into account any other areas of his life that may be too unstable for therapy, at present.

 

[Deleted member 38137]

Again, that's why I am here. I have never dealt with this before in my life. Alcoholism, why of course. I'm the perfect mate for an alcoholic because I'm a codependent. I'm probably the perfect mate for a PTSD sufferer too if I wasn't trying to free myself of my own codependency. Honestly, they're both bad. things to deal with. Alcoholic + PTSD would probably be an equation for my own demise...lol.

I do think he's high functioning besides when it comes to me. I'm probably the scariest thing in his life right now. Let's just say his previous relationships have been very dysfunctional sexually. Girls that are bi-sexual. Girls that just want a EFF buddy. Girls that basically are not into any type of meaningful relationship. Ones that think that they can act like whores and have some guy want to be with only them. I made it very clear from the get that I am not one of those girls. I am a lady and I was raised to act like one. I am subservient by nature and not into all of this promiscuous behavior. I am monogamous and choose to be that way.

He used to be married. She left him, took the kids and he hasn't seen the kids in a few years. I understand why he's scared. I do hope that he has seen through my own personal actions that I'm not like that. My ex husband was an abusive alcoholic and I NEVER took his kids away from him and always encouraged that they have a relationship. I'm sure that has a lot to do with it too. I don't know. It's just so much baggage.

 

[Sighs]

You cannot "wait out" PTSD. Its a lifelong cyclic disorder. He will always have it - even if he gets counselling. Do NOT stay in this relationship HOPING things will improve. Chances are they will get worse. You're only 4 months in. The longer you're "together" the more of the dark he will let you see.

I suspect I'm also co-dependant. And I wish I had worked on that more before committing to a life with a PTSD sufferer.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I agree with @Friday.

Isolation is hard for supporters to "get."

Isolation is a coping mechanism that a lot of supporters use when they get overwhelmed. Their stress cup is overflowing. They can't handle anything but surviving. Think of it like a hard reset.

but I cannot take his rejection.

Stop thinking of it like a rejection. He's not doing it "to" you. It's honestly nothing to do with you. He is doing it to cope with his PTSD/stress levels.

I always get the feeling that he doesn't get how his actions affect others. Or if he does, he doesn't care. I'm assuming because caring hurts.

Don't think of it as willfully not caring... he's too busy trying to settle his ass down to think about anything. Think of it as survival mode.

Learn about PTSD... seriously. It helps. Research the symptoms. It helps to make sense of everything.

He never screams in the middle of the night nor does he ever get physically abusive and he doesn't abuse alcohol or drugs that I can see.

With the exceptions of night terrors, these are not symptoms of PTSD. They're bad coping mechanisms that some sufferers may use. I think that is the "movie version" of a PTSD sufferer, especially vets. It's more complicated than that, and once you realize what your sufferer's actual symptoms are you'll be able to function better in a relationship.

 

[Deleted member 38137]

You cannot "wait out" PTSD. Its a lifelong cyclic disorder. He will always have it - even if he gets co...

How long have you been with him? And what war was he in???

 

[dulcia]

I'm also sure that is part of my attraction to him. He's kinda broke inside and I have an innate desire to fix him. I also realize that no amount of me complaining, crying or whining is going to do that.

I completely understand where you're coming from here, but this is super dangerous territory....