General Need Advice About Ex-Girlfriend with PTSD & Alcohol Abuse

[niceguyhere66]

Hi all, I have been reading here for a little bit, and it seems as if people truly care about one another.

So I will try and tell my story with the hope of some understanding. Forgive the long post

My girlfriend of only 3 months just broke up with me. We were, I thought madly in love with each other, one of those type of relationships where you believe that she is the one.

Now I have known this girl since collage, 20 years ago, we were friends then, but no dating. At that time, I also started my journey in AA (alcoholics anonymous) and have been clean and sober all this time.

After graduation, I did see her again on the streets of NYC, if you can believe it, we talked, went in to a local restaurant and got a cup of coffee. Nothing further happened then.

Then about 3.5 years ago, I saw her in a local AA meeting. Couldn't believe it, but was happy to see her. I was married at the time, but there was an attraction, we stayed friends, but didn't do anything because I was married.

The short of it is, I did get a divorce last August. And got an email from her in Dec. We set a date for coffee in early Jan and we took off.

Now in the interim, I need to tell you that in Dec, she told me she was in a Detox, because she relapsed to drinking.

But being in AA myself, I understood, and hoped she would get better.

So we started dating in January, and things were going good. We had fun, did things together and just enjoyed each others company. But I was a little confused in that some times we would make plans, she came up with these weird excuses to break our plans. being a new relationship, I understood, and just said no problem hon.

As we moved on to Feb, the plans started to get broken more, and her attitude was really getting a little irrational. Came to find out in early Feb, that she relapsed again.

As a result, I helped her get in to another detox. She was doing great, seemed to have her stuff together, I was very supportive and not judgmental of her at all.......I loved her.

The rest of Feb was GREAT!!!! We spent all kinds of time together, talked about getting married, that god kept bringing us together, all that kind of stuff.

Then it all started again in March, the broken plans, the crazy attitude etc.....Yep, she picked up again, drinking. Went in to the hospital again, not only to be diagnosed with alcoholism, but with (PTSD) Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from sexual and verbal abuse she took as a child and into her adulthood.

Anyway, after she got out of the detox this last time, she broke up with me. Keeps saying she can't deal with a relationship, anger or anything.

My heart is crushed, she won't even sit down to talk to me at this point other than texts.

She says not now when it comes to talking and I just don't know what to do.

I am at a loss, don't understand what she has been going through, and surly don't know how to help her.

Any advice

Am I crazy to think what we had was real, It seemed real?

 

[supergirl]

Hello Niceguy and welcome to the forum,

As you already know, it is not reccomended to get into a relationship during the first year of sobriety. Getting sober and staying sober is hard enough without trying to manage a relationship. Being an alcoholic with PTSD is even that much harder. Speaking as someone who has been in the same place as your ex-girlfriend, I reccomend giving her space and letting her start on her path of growing and healing.

I have no doubt that what you two have is real but as she has already told you, she is not in a place where she can deal with her own demons and focus on a relationship at the same time.

I know you are confused and hurting and want to help but IMHO, giving her space and time and respecting her desire to not speak is the best help you can give her right now.

Good luck and take care,
SG

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi,
I've never had to walk the path of sobriety, so I can't comment on that.

However, for someone who is dealing with PTSD, it is VERY difficult to enter into a new relationship. I have tried it myself, and it ended with disastrous results. Looking back, I wish I had just stayed single and had worked on myself because the relationship was just a distraction from what I needed to be working on (myself), and actually delayed my healing process. I know you say that you want to be there for her, but the best thing that you can do for her is give her space. I know you want to be supportive, but what you may not realize is that being with you requires energy, just as any relationship requires energy. She needs to put this energy into healing herself. I am not saying this to hurt you, rather I am saying this based on my own experience.

People with PTSD often appear to be "selfish" because we need to take precautions to protect ourselves. We push other people away in order to stay "safe" We don't do this to hurt others, its just so that we don't end up hurt again, like we were hurt by those who victimized us as children. (I am also a victim of childhood abuse)

If your relationship is meant to be, it will still be an option once she has been given the time to heal and become sober. I urge you to give her the space she so desperately needs.

 

[amethist]

Hi Niceguy,

Please give her space but answer her calls too. If you can support her from a distance without being pushy better still. Its tough going with someone with a drink problem and ptsd together, but they can get through it with the right help and support. I know it's true my husband has just got through a year alcohol free apart from a few stumbles nothing major but he's managed this far, it's hard work and very can be soul destroying as you can see from some of the posts.

Read all you can and ask as many questions as you like someone will give you an answer or point you in the right direction.

Nobody will tell you what to do, just ideas that may help.

Best wishes

Amethist

 

[Deleted member 541]

From the view point of someone that has PTSD... What she is going through is pretty typical. She apparently hasn't had any therapy for dealing with the PTSD, so she is using pretty basic survival skills at this point.

Drinking is one of the main ones. There are MANY that we use. She is also pushing you out, another one.

I know it's hard for you to understand why she is doing the things she is doing, but if you only knew why, you could understand.

PTSD is so awful to live with. Untreated is pretty hard to cope, even treated can be difficult, but she can get to a point that it is bearable, with a ton of work....

Please respect her boundaries, be there if she needs, (if you want to) and take care of yourself first........

 

[midi]

I'll be 3 years sober this summer, and still not ready for a relationship. Raised in an extremely abusive environment too, I'm only now learning how to live in a safe atmosphere.

Corny as it sounds, if you love someone, you must be willing to let that person heal. If she comes back to you, yay, if not, then acceptance.

 

[niceguyhere66]

Thank you for your message....it helps to hear that I am not crazy, I am trying to just let her alone, only contact her when she reaches out to me.......I only want her to have a loving hand when/if she comes to me.

 

[niceguyhere66]

What are other ways in which you cope? Alot of times she seemed to be irrational, for instance, I would come home from helping a friend with construction, she would be at my home, fixing us dinner or something, I would just want to take a shower and get cleaned up. (Not wanting to get her all sweaty or dirty from the work I did.) But she would want a hug and me to hold her........I would do that for a bit, but then just would ask if I could just take a shower and be back in her arms as soon as I could.

Once back, she would accuse me of leaving her and be a big irrational that I left to take a shower. is that normal with someone? I am not judging, just trying to understand.....thanks...

 

[Ursa]

I am at a loss, don't understand what she has been going through, and surly don't know how to help her.

Any advice

Am I crazy to think what we had was real, It seemed real?

I have just a piece of information that can help you to understand it. Being a person that went through sexual and moral abuse means that we did not have the opportunity to build the foundations of relationships in ourselves during our development. It means that we were betrayed and badly hurt and some of us learn that we do not deserve unconditional love. Sometimes that we don't deserve love at all.


So, sometimes we don't want a good loving relationship because we are afraid we are going to be betrayed again and hurt once more. Sometimes we feel like we don't deserve the love of another person because we learned that we are bad and so we are not lovable. Verbal/moral abuse can increase those self detrimental feelings. It is as if we are now telling the same things to ourselves we heard others telling us when we were young. As if they became true...


Sexual abuse specifically gives a lot of mixed messages. Love, betrayal, pleasure and hurt are messages that come all together and it is really hard to come out of it being able to distinguish each of those isolated from the others. The more real a relationship becomes, the more scary it is, the more hurtful it is potentially (and sometimes a reality that flashbacks and memories bring). Some of us want to run from relationships that go to a deeper level because of this.


If you want to have a deeper understanding there are some books out there about the subjects that you can read. There are also books specifically made for partners. Read as much as you can here too. There are lots of good information here.


I don't really have any piece of advice about things you can do. I am struggling with consequences of the abuse myself... Although I have been blessed with dissociation that allowed me to overcome some of this and build a loving relationship with a wonderful husband I have a lot of things to work still.

 

[niceguyhere66]

Ursa,

Thank you for taking the time to share with me your feelings and experiences. I am just trying to figure out if what we had was real. I am so frustrated for HER...she is such a beautiful person. I do get angry when I know what people have done to her, especially her mom. I think it was an uncle that did the sexual abuse, but her mom was the one who did the verbal abuse...big time. Plus, she was married and divorced only after 5 months of marriage. I think he turned out to not be a person who was truthful with his feelings and desires.

Also, she does always state to me, she only wants someone to love her unconditionally, no one ever will she tells me. I know I didn't have conditions on my love for her...hell, even with all that she is going through, I just want to support her to help her become the person she wants to be and God has intended for her.

 

[Ursa]

I wish with all my soul that these things had easy answers/solutions. Unfortunately they don't...

I do get angry when I know what people have done to her

This is the exactly same reason why I don't let my husband know exactly what happened. I did not confront my perpetrators and although my husband know that the abuse took place he does not know details about it because I fear he will not control himself in their presence.

Take care.

 

[Mina]

Also, she does always state to me, she only wants someone to love her unconditionally, no one ever will she tells me. I know I didn't have conditions on my love for her...

This is just my opinion and a little off-topic, but I totally cringe when I hear people looking for unconditional love from their significant other. People who seek it may actually be seeking an unconditional relationship instead. She may not be able to accept the fact that someone can love her unconditionally (or as close to it as we humans can get) no matter what she does, but still have conditions on the relationship. Healthy relationships are not unconditional; they have boundaries. You can love someone and still have boundaries for being in a relationship with them. The distinction is lost on many people, and sometimes even used to manipulate one partner. Sorry, end rant. :crazy:

As far as things go with her, what kind of help is she getting for her PTSD? Is she in therapy? On meds? Is she dealing with the issues from her past, or avoiding them altogether?

What you had together may have been real, but she will not be capable of being in a healthy relationship until she has worked on her issues...and besides encouraging her to do so when it seems appropriate, or listening, there's not a lot you can do to help.