Sufferer Struggling With Making Making Sense Of It All.

[Jessica Smith]

Hey everyone,
I am not really sure how to do this or where to start. This may be a little long winded as I am really struggling right now and do not have good enough health care to see a mental health professional anymore.
I my parents split up when I was 4 and my mother was a heavy drinker and my siblings all used drugs heavily in front of me. My father was not around as he was too busy sleeping with women to have a family. I can not say if I was physically abused though I do recall a couple instances, but it was not regular. I was not bathed, nor taught how to bath myself. I was scared of showers until I was well into grade school. My mother was often too drunk to cook a proper meal or at least not that I remember. I had an older sister that would sometimes take care of me when she was on meth. I honestly don't remember a lot from my childhood, just a handful of fuzzy memories and what I've been told. I lived with my father briefly and he told me I was fat, stupid, etc. nothing out of the ordinary. When I was barely a teenager I began using heavily and got alcohol poisoning by the age of 13, ran away to Mexico with a couple of squatters and a girl I met in a mental hospital and started doing meth (among other things). By the time I was 14 I had been 5150ed six times, raped twice, sexually assaulted, and almost abducted.
I never really addressed any of these things in therapy. I had a therapist refuse to see me until I got sent out of state and treated. So the school district sent me to "treatment" in Utah, Texas, and a step down center in California from the age of 14 to when I graduated at 18. Not a single one of the events I just mentioned were ever talked about.
I never knew they had an impact on me. I thought that something bad happened, it sucked, and I got over it. But I started using when I was 18 and didn't really stop until a year ago. That's when I realized that I was affected, I am affected. I was diagnosed with PTSD after a spell in rehab when I was 22. I thought the Physiatrist was just trying to make me feel better about having a bad childhood. But that doesn't make any sense. It does make sense that I would have some sort of damage from what I experienced.
I have been experiencing a lot of short term memory loss. My fiancé has to walk me through conversations we are having in the middle of them because I forget what we are talking about, or tell me what we did 10 minutes prior because I don't know why we are in a certain room. I have panic attacks, crying spells, nightmares, I am always on edge and find it difficult to talk to people not only because I am so forget full but because I don't know how to be okay with another human, I don't know how to interact and not let them see that I just want to run away from them. Has anyone else gone through this? I am having such a hard time because I need to wait to actually get more help for this until I can get better health care. It takes me 4 months to see a doctor right now, and they literally just read me questions out of a book.
I'm sorry this is so long, I've been struggling with this for so long, and its been extra difficult lately because of a confrontational situation I got into with my father, I think.
I hope this wasn't too much for anyone. I'm sorry if it was. I just need some help.

 

[LIVELUKE923]

Hey everyone,
I am not really sure how to do this or where to start. This may be a little long wi...

Im sorry to hear you are having such a tough time, I hope you can help soon, I dont have any real suggestions, im struggling with comp, ex ptsd as well. Just wanted to tell you, you are defineitly not alone, when things start to surface its all I can do not to lock myself in a closet and just stay there

 

[Jessica Smith]

Im sorry to hear you are having such a tough time, I hope you can help soon, I dont have any real s...

Thank you for your kind reply Luke. It's good to know I am not alone.

 

[Knak]

It sounds like you got the worst out of all sides of it. Congratulations on your courage to pursue in spite of everything. Short term memory loss is very common and due to trauma.

There are funny forum topics like "You know you have PTSD when..." to show you you're not alone and how absurd our minds react.

I can identify with the lack of discussion of real issues affecting you. That happened to me and still does. I feel like I know more than the therapists or doctors because they haven't been through it all and gotten out at the other end to be able to recognize your pain or be able to give you guidance because they've never been there. I've learned a lot doing research on the internet and there is a list of people qualified to impart knowledge somewhere on the website. I have just run across some I like and learned from and was encouraged. I obsess trying to find information on my own about the brain and PTSD and ADD and narcissists.

I still have never discussed the final rejection that cause my breakdown. Your brain does change with trauma. One of the things I just read was that your ability to communicate or feel can diminish. I didn't know what I felt and was afraid if I said anything I'd get the same feedback you did, because that's all I ever got - that it's my fault or I'm imagining things or maybe no reaction like it's not important or I'm not important.

I think the best help comes from people who have experienced what you have and been fortunate enough to have found help and made progress so can encourage you that it can be done, and tell you what worked for them. Most people won't admit they need help but something in you realizes there is more to life than you've experienced.

I am 67 and knew at age 10 there was something wrong because I was told it was me so I wanted to die, and still do quite often. Unfortunately you repeat your beliefs from childhood and find ways to affirm them, however there is something better and being able to find that occasionally gives hope.

I am so sorry you have to wait for help and I hope you get some encouragement on this website.

I had a complete breakdown and lost most of my mental and emotional capabilities when I was 22. The medical help I got made me feel worse. It took 12 years to begin to heal.

In the meantime I cleaned houses and took menial jobs. For years I couldn't talk but when I cleaned houses I charged so little people put up with me more than they normally would and I felt compelled to talk about the bad things that happened to me because that was all I thought about. I would tell them things others would never imagine talking about. I was essentially working for almost nothing and they weren't going to fire me. I needed acceptance and worked very hard and was very honest because I felt everything was my fault.

I'm going to quit talking because I don't want to lose this input due to taking too much time but you need input and I hope I can help you.

 

[Knak]

I found when I had meds that made me forget I felt better, so forgetting is a gift from your body to keep from self destruction. It also makes you vulnerable to people who look for someone to take advantage of. I pray you get better help. I relate to depending on experts who were clueless or didn't get their point across because I wasn't ready to understand.

I found that if I knew myself what was wrong with me, from searching the internet, or friends giving me the right information by chance, I learned bit by bit for years and I could tell the doctors what I thought was wrong and was amazed that they didn't argue but believed me. I could tell them if the medicine wasn't working instead of wasting time by implicitly trusting them to fix me. I'd tell them what I wanted to try or to increase dosage. I got better help from them. It is luck to find out something new that clicks.

I left the doctors who treated me with disdain and if I find someone who listens to me and trusts me I stay with them. I have been through dozens of doctors and therapists. Many think they are gods, or won't go one step to think about different possibilities. Good doctors are like finding gold.

Self help groups are good too, just to have others to relate to and be accepted and to see the commonality of symptoms. I saw patterns in other people that matched mine. I used to drink heavily and take drugs and sleep around for about 20 years but I was able to quit by the grace of God. it is common with these problems. You had extreme circumstances.

There is more research on the brain than ever, so it is a good time to search on your own. I started searching relevant terms to see if there was information that led me further. I found out a lot watching youtube videos. It's easier to listen to someone than read, but this website cautions against relying on people that, although they have helped me, they are not considered experts. You have to have discernment but the more you listen, the more resources you hear about.

It is important to me to understand the physical causes that make sense, and not just blindly accept information. I was taught I couldn't think for myself and told I was always wrong. I didn't realize it wasn't true until I was in my 40's after getting on meds for ADD that helped me process thoughts. Maybe you were taught not to trust yourself.

Being a prisoner of government programs is very frustrating so i am sorry you have to be held back from help.

It took a long time to believe and accept that what I experienced affected me deeply and it scarred me for life. I put up with it for so long I believed it was normal. Knowing you were hurt by others helps you get mad so you start to feel and recognize what is going on.