Too Much

[Justmehere]

I keep thinking if I keep posting maybe I can do what I will say I will do and stay out of my head enough to get through this so please forgive the multiple posts.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Justmehere I think the first step is to try and stop the panic from escalating... can you do some breathing exercises to get control and calm down???

 

[digger]

get out of here to be around people

Wouldn't worry about the clean clothes. Do you have a plan for where you will go? I think being with other people if that's an option is a good plan.

I understand your fears around going to the ER, but if you don't believe you can keep yourself safe then please go, even if it's just to sit in the waiting area until you are more grounded.

 

[shimmerz]

Happy to stay here with you Justmehere. Do you have any sense of what normally grounds you out? Brings you into an 'older part of yourself'? Coffee, posting here is good, an incredibly powerful video, exercise?

Just a thought. Great plan, btw, to bring your dog home. They would have been lonely without you.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

My dogs saved my life more times than I can count. Sometimes I wonder who saved or rescued who.

I used to have this as a print out. I've read it many times and I'm still here. So here it is it's just short and did help. Even if it is the tiny thimble sized amount that was the difference between despair and a glimmer of hope. Suicide: Read This First

 

[Justmehere]

I'm less panicky and more tearful. The walk in the cold air was grounding. Coffee helped a little too.

Every step I take (to walk) hurts and that reminds me of what the doctor said and how it's my fault this condition is now permanent and how if I was a better well liked patient I could have gotten the surgery I needed a year ago and etc...

She said I'd never be able to swim laps again because I was too difficult for doctors to put up with. The pool was my safe place as a kid and I have given up every other sport navigating this dumb injury. She also said I had an incurable life threatening genetic condition and I just can't even process it.

I need to swim. I go to the pool and I try to the point of my therapist (counselor) and physical therapist saying I was over doing it and now I need to even avoid walking. There is no plan or path for treatment or improvement.

I am a triathlete. I am not that old yet. I can give up running, I need to swim. I have tried just going to the pool and just being there and I stopped because it was just making me cold and tense.

The swim team I was on as a kid was my escape. The coaches asked questions about the bruises from abuse but I was so quiet I never answered and they let me swim and they told my aunt, a doctors wife, thier concerns, but she was one abuser's sister and another abuser's wife.

For the past 18 months my doctors told me to try harder, work harder, excercise to the point I was at the gym sobbing but still pushing up to 4 hours a day. Never getting very strong because I really did have torn ligaments in my leg and there was only so much one can do...

Now they did an MRI only to find I needed surgery all along, a surgery they still won't do because I'm too depressed and untrusting, and I ground my hip and knee to shreds pushing like they said to push. I will never swim laps again they said. Thy misdiagnosed me and the damage is permanent now and my doctor says it's my fault.

I can't handle this. Running and swimming and being active is my escape and come in people with no legs can be in sports there has to be a way but they say no I'm too difficult and I ask how and then it's you need to trust more trust now.

I have to swim I have to. I probably sound crazy but all I keep thinking is they took my safe place away because I wasn't good enough once again.

I'm trying to stay grounded in the present but the message is the same as a kid. You are in pain? Try harder. Do better. It's not real. Oh wait it is real? It's your fault anyway.

 

[Justmehere]

I was supposed to go to a Christmas party. With families around. In a few hours. They keep calling to see if I want a ride. I just want the pain to stop. Every step reminds me it's all my fault. If I had been better this pain would not be there.

 

[Justmehere]

I was on antidepressants and she said she wouldn't refill them even though she had agreed to that to my insurance and I'm on every waiting list to see another doctor. I shouldn't be alive. Even doctors hate me.

 

[shimmerz]

I love swimming too. I used to be so active. I hate all of this. I don't know if it is good for me or not physically, but goddammit psychologically it is. And to me, that is more important.

Obviously your doctor is a dolt about trauma. She had no business ethically or otherwise saying what she did to you about it being your fault. I am happy to hear that you won't be going back there.

The swim team I was on as a kid was my escape.

Boy can I ever relate to this. I am so happy that you have these memories of how swimming fed your soul.

For 18 months my doctors told me to try harder, work harder, exceeded mkre to the point I was at the gym sobbing but still pushing up to 4 hours a day.

How is this your fault? I don;t understand this Justmehere. No worries if it is too much to answer.... but it sounds like you were letting them know that this was a tough go for you.

And my doctor was so clear it's my fault. If I had been a better patient.

I have one thing to say to/about your doctor about this statement. Wish I had been there. Seriously, f*ck right off/back off/try being a human being every now and again.

I am so sorry for this for you.

 

[digger]

I was on antidepressants and she said she wouldn't refill them

Is there someone you can complain to? Stopping your antidepressants abruptly would be putting you at risk. She shouldn't be allowed to do that.

 

[digger]

They keep calling to see if I want a ride.

Have you replied?

 

[Justmehere]

Have you replied?

I did. I tried to tell them I could get there via public transit and walking in the snow if they could give me a ride back. They happily agreed but I can't make them do that. It's 25 minute drive for them in bad weather to take me back one way... an hour round trip for them to get back home.

Walking there in 0 degree temps is probably stupid or worse.