Too Much

[Justmehere]

The injury is to my leg - I should have had surgery to repair torn ligaments in the hip and knee some time ago but the doc didn't take my pain as real, and told me to excerises more - which just ground what was left of the carriage away on top of the torn ligaments still being torn. I can't jog, can't swim, and my doc agreed to the MRI because I said "it will prove if you are right and it's all in my head" - only to prove the opposite. And that it's now beyond repair apparently. All of it.

Good thinking about it being dark if I go to the other hospital. I didn't even think of that.

I texted my therapist this morning asking for a good hospital. She says they are all so so, and that she is so sorry for the bad news. I don't think she knows what to do either.

Maybe I should ask her for a phone call.

It's the feeling of being with my uncle, a doctor, and telling him my dad hurt me look and him ignoring the pain and bruises my teachers and neighbors all later verified they saw... and him telling me it's my fault. I should have been a better kid. Like my primary care doctor saying it's my fault, I should have been a better patient. It keeps haunting me. If I would have been better I wouldn't be hurting now...

Such garbage. And yet, partly not. If I had been a better patient they would have treated me and my condition better and probably done surgery before it was too late.

Now that I'm thinking about it, I couldn't deal with actors in the hospital. Fake combined with real.

 

[hodge]

They should have treated you well no matter what! It's not your fault! I suspect you were a great kid, but the fact is, you should have gotten proper medical treatment even if you weren't.

I am so very sorry about your injuries. Nothing like having to deal with physical pain and limitations on top of PTSD, I know. I've never been able to run because of bad knees and now I have sciatic pain whenever I bend over or stand too long. Like you, I used to rely on exercise as a coping method. I know how hard it is to lose that. Could certain yoga poses be an option? If you can find a good yoga instructor/physical therapist who would know what would be safe and maybe even helpful for you to do?

 

[Justmehere]

I'm sure there is something I can do physically... Yoga is out, no stretching allowed. I've been to 5 PT clinics and done over 50 sessions of PT because that's the only thing the doc said to do and he somehow kept getting my insurance to authorize more.

I was good at school and with friends as a kid but I was a mess at home. I was terrified at home. I'm great on the job and with various people, but I'm a mess with doctors. They terrify me. I worked hard to handle this well and it still wasn't enough.

I think you are right that they should have still listened.

 

[hodge]

From what you've said before, I can certainly understand why you were terrified at home. The fact that you were good everywhere else just points to where the problem was. I can also understand why you have such a tough time with doctors, given your history. It's just awful.

Are you still roaming around or are you at home or on your way home?

 

[Justmehere]

I gave up on the hospital. Heading home....

 

[hodge]

I hope your trip home is uneventful, unless it's a good eventful.

 

[corvidae]

@Justmehere sending gentle support

 

[ButterflyBean]

Maybe I should ask her for a phone call.

I think that would be an extremely good idea! She is aware of the situation since you texted her earlier, and I doubt she would object to giving you the extra support you need and deserve! When is your next session; can you ask for an extra one?

I am so incredibly sorry for everything you're dealing with right now! If it is any consolation at all, I admire your ability to even post here! Sending gentle hugs!

 

[aut555]

I gave up on the hospital. Heading home....

I so get this, l do running and finally got courage to leave my abusive ex. Understand how important exercise is to you. It's your whole being, it's your safe place. These docs have let you down, they feel bad, and now they are just trying to push you around. It's not that they don't like you, they screwed up diagnosing you and they are stuck and what screw ups they are, so naturally they turn around and blame you. It's not your fault. Hope you are doing better, and dog has brought you some peace by now. Please don't let medical community push you around, this happens to a lot of people, please don't take all this blame on your shoulders. It could be that doc just wanted to push your buttons on that call. You always have the power to end a call or call back on a different day when you are feeling more grounded, okay? Let us know how you are doing.

 

[Justmehere]

Update: Much thanks to the support here, I was able to get support from my therapist. I also was able to handle the stress of getting another opinion... This would be opinion number 4 or 5 at this point...

The doctor did a diagnostic procedure which had good results. Not as good as we hoped, but still good enough to know that surgery is probably the right step. I will follow up with him in a week and if we both agree, we will schedule surgery I should have had almost two years ago. The fact that he is even considering doing, but being cautious too, is very reassuring.

He didn't make any promises that I would be able to swim again, but he doesn't think things are as hopeless as the other doctors have said.

I'm still fighting off depression, and I was super triggered by the procedure itself, but I am cautiously a little bit hopeful.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am glad it is all working out for you. You must feel relief at being seen and heard and believed.:hug:

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Justmehere Hey, I'm really glad that you didn't give up and kept pushing for yet another opinion. Good for You!!!! Let's hope that you can have the surgery and that it turns out with the best possible outcome for you, and that swimming will be right around the corner..... Fingers crossed....