Sexual Assault How Do You Tell Someone You Love This?

[DiamondBug]

I was gang raped and tortured at 11, my boyfriend of 4 years doesn't really know. I told him when we first got together that I was raped but I didn't admit to the multiple people part at that time and I still don't like to now because of the shame. I broke down and blurted out what happened (just that it was more than 1 person that raped me, he has no idea about the torture) he was like why are you making this worse, I don't believe you, etc. I don't know whether he just didn't want to believe it but it literally broke me. I broke down. We've never spoken about it again. I darent bring it up. If he said that to me I know I'd just want to give him love not hurt him as much as I can. Why did he act like this? I should be able to tell him everything but I can't because I'm scared how he'll react. He just doesn't know how f*cking hard it is to stay alive right now. We have a loving relationship normally, it's just when it comes to talking about that. I wish I could just tell him everything but honestly I rarely hear about gang rape, in the uk I'd say mine is the most violent I've heard of (this makes me sad because I'm not even overreacting) I've not heard of another including torture where the victim survived either. I just would get scared instead of crying with me he'll be mad. Or worse be disgusted in me. If anyone here has had the same thing happen to them, please will you reply? I have never knowingly spoke to another victim of this and honestly I feel completely isolated because of it. In the uk especially it's not a spoken about thing. I feel like if my boyfriend knew about what actually happened, he'll understand so much more about why I do things and act the way I do sometimes. Which will be good for us. It's so scary. I don't want him to see such a dirty side of me. In case that's all he'll ever see of me. That's one of my biggest fears, that he'll leave me because he thinks I'm a slag, I know how stupid that sounds, but it's how I feel. I am so embarrassed about it, I wish I got the chance to lose my virginity to someone I loved, but they took that and a part of my soul. I just don't know what will be the best way to bring it up. I just want him to accept me, it's not like I went and did this to myself.

 

[Deleted member 541]

If he didn't believe you then, he probably won't believe you now. If he was understanding then, he probably won't be now either. Are you in therapy???. If you are it Marigot be advisable to talk to your therapist and ask if he/she would be ok with you bringing your boyfriend to a session and telling him then!?!?!? That might work a bit better.

You have nothing to be ashamed about. You didn't do this. The ones that raped and tortured you are the ones that should be ashamed. They are animals that don't deserve to be happy. Try to be strong and be kind and gentle to yourself....

 

[Robert Matthias]

I was gang raped and tortured at 11, my boyfriend of 4 years doesn't really know. I told him when we...

If you have told him I feel that you do not need to torture yourself further with more details. If he loves you and understands that is good. For you it was a moment in time you survived and I also. He only needs to know you are special to him and that love conquers all

 

[Cannottakethis]

My heart broke reading your post @DiamondBug. There's nothing like telling someone you think you can trust the truth, only to be questioned or not believed at all. My ex husband was like that. Very invalidating.
One thing could be, that he hates to think of that stuff happening to you so he's in denial. I hope that's the case.
Are you under any care? Therapist, mental health worker, etc that could help you deal with this?
I agree with @She Cat that you have nothing to be ashamed of. You did nothing wrong. I know how hard it is to believe that but if you think of an 11 year old; any 11 year old, no child at that age is old enough to be held responsible for any type of sexual act. You were a child. You were brutally abused. You didn't lose your virginity. Rape doesn't count. It's not sex or making love.
If you can have your boyfriend understand this it would be optimal for your recovery.
I hope he can, and I hope you can be less hard on yourself. You didn't do anything wrong.

 

[DiamondBug]

If he didn't believe you then, he probably won't believe you now. If he was understanding then, he proba...

Thanks for your reply, I don't know whether he didn't believe me or whether it was because I just dropped it out of no where.

I am in therapy every week, but I don't know whether taking him there would make me feel worse about telling him, because my therapist doesn't know it all yet.

I do always try and tell myself that but it is really hard some days. Take care of yourself

 

[DiamondBug]

If you have told him I feel that you do not need to torture yourself further with more details. If he loves yo...

Thank you for your reply, I just always feel like I'm almost hiding it from him though, that's the problem. I don't particularly want him to know about it, but I almost feel like it would be a relief in a way. We've been through that much stuff, I know deep down telling him wouldn't change anything. I also know that not telling him probably would work out okay as well. I suppose I'll just see how it goes, take care of yourself

 

[DiamondBug]

My heart broke reading your post @DiamondBug. There's nothing like telling someone yo...

Thanks for your reply, I am pretty sure it would be denial, because he was saying horrible things, but his body language was saying different. I know that if sub consciously if I thought he felt differently I would've left him a long time ago.

I have a therapist who I go to every week, I am starting to open up to him more, last week I had my 6 month review with him and I feel like that helped and on Friday when I see him again he said he'll have some more feedback. I feel like it is slowly helping.

Thank you and @She Cat for your support on this, I tell myself that, it's just some days it really eats at me. I don't think it helped with my age at the time, also I didn't tell anyone about it. It's sort of now I've realised that is isn't healthy to let that hurt you. Thanks for your reply and reassurance.

 

[Friday]

t gang rape, in the uk I'd say mine is the most violent I've heard of (this makes me sad because I'm not even overreacting) I've not heard of another including torture where the victim survived either. I just would get scared instead of crying with me he'll be mad. Or worse be disgusted in me. If anyone here has had the same thing happen to them, please will you reply? I have never knowingly spoke to another victim of this

Not exactly the same thing, but both gang rape & torture, yes.

My first rape was a 3:1 gang rape. Started in an alley/empty lot & moved to a hotel. One of the first things they did was stab my inner thigh with a screwdriver, pinning me to a stack of wooden crates. Snort. Cop humor. Yep. They screwed me, alright. It's a weird little snakebite looking scar. Aside from some pretty standard brutalizing that one wasn't that bad. Devastating, for sure. But it was mostly straight up violent rape. I've pretty much carried a screwdriver with me ever since, though. No one thinks of them as weapons.

I wasn't tortured for the first time until much later, and daily gang rape was a part of it for awhile. No idea as to numbers. Lots. Was held captive for a spell. The rape was really secondary, there. What they got off on was inflicting pain, as much as possible, as long as possible, and sexual assault was just one more weapon they used on us. Things like snapping your fingers and grinding the broken ends of the bones on each other. Electricity. Hypthermia. Starvation. Degredation. Drowning. Hope & other mind games.

 

[Friday]

I feel like if my boyfriend knew about what actually happened, he'll understand so much more about why I do things and act the way I do sometimes.

My experience is that if I have to explain? Then, no. Most people don't understand. What I've found is that those who do? Or can? Don't need explanations. It's already inside their world-view, for whatever reason. In some circles, in some areas, this sort of thing is actually pretty common. In most of the 1st world, it's sooooooo far outside of people's realm of experience, that they just can't process it.

***

This thread might help.
Kidnapping, Rape And/or Torture

There are also some international resources in it, but I'll repost them here, in case that thread is too much to read right now.

International Rehabilitation Council for Torture victims
http://www.irct.org

& a list of their counseling programs & treatment facilities by region. Over 140 worldwide.
http://www.irct.org/about-us/the-members/find-irct-members/all-members-by-region.aspx

 

[DiamondBug]

My experience is that if I have to explain? Then, no. Most people don't understand. What I've found is t...

Thanks for your reply and sharing your story with me. I always think maybe if I was lucky enough for this to have not happened to me, I probably wouldn't of be able to understand what thats actually like. Like I said it's such a hidden thing in the uk, I felt so alone because of it, but at least here I can talk I feel like I'm actually understood. Thank you for the articles you posted also, I've bookmarked them to read later. You're very very brave, take care of yourself!

 

[joeylittle]

If anyone here has had the same thing happen to them, please will you reply?

Yes, sort of (I think). I was held captive by a man, and there were two different groups of men who gang raped me. I will always feel responsible because of how I got myself into the situation. The first group was five younger guys, a classic gang rape I guess you could call it, plus beaten and branded) then there was just being abused by my keeper (a lot of choking out) then three older men, gang rape and torture stuff (electrical, insertions, bestiality, caning, they filmed and photographed me), then my keeper again (just some more pain stuff, bone breaking, and psych stuff). I was 13, and did much the same thing you describe, with hiding marks, etc. I was not seen by a doctor, I never went to the police, I was scared. When I tried to tell my long term boyfriend about it, it didn't go very well. But that was just one of many things in that relationship that didn't go well.

I'm sorry for what you went through.

FWIW, I have a male therapist. I would never feel comfortable talking about this stuff with a woman, because I'd be worrying that they'd identify too much. Every once in awhile I wish my therapist could understand better - but most of the time I'm glad he can't. I did make sure to ask him if he'd ever been raped (he hadn't).

I don't want him to see such a dirty side of me. In case that's all he'll ever see of me.

To be honest, that's what happened to me. But it wasn't because that's all I am - it was because he couldn't get past his own reaction, his own feelings.

But I don't regret telling him. I regret staying with him after that. He thought it gave him permission to treat me like an object during sex. I put up with it because I didn't think I was worth more than that. Eventually, I couldn't take it and left.

So, he might react badly. But that's him showing you who he is - it's not about who you are. You are not what they did to you. You are a human being.

 

[lindsey.nichole]

Hey. I was gang banged too. I was 12 at the time though. I'm 15 now. I wanted to die. I never thought I was gonna love again. When I did the same thing happened, but my boyfriend stopped his friends! His friends got me drunk and high and they tortured me and raped me. My boyfriend told me that when I stopped answering his calls he got worried so he went to the places he knows I go. He found me and his friends. His friends were beating me and laughing. He started screaming at them to stop and when they didn't he called the cops on his own friends. We aren't together anymore because he didn't wanna talk about that day anymore