How Many People Say This Is Why I Am The Way I Am.

[Deleted member 12723]

@Ronin Love your new avator by the way.

This describes my abusive parents to a T and it caused some troubles in my marriage as well until we went to a very good marriage counselor that is.

They always demanded information from us kids. Sometimes it involved a ritual beating of all four of us. Always expected to give out information, no wonder I was so naive and gullible. I was the perfect victim and my self esteem was so low to non existant. Thank you.:hug:

@lostandforgottensoul it pretty much is the root cause is it not?

 

[Draiocht]

I used to swing between the two but when I was carrying all this pain around and holding it up to the wrong people there was something compulsive in it. I knew it wasn't helping but some 'younger' part of me still couldn't let go of the hope someone would finally hear me and understand. I used to hate that part of myself for being childish and foolish.

I talked about it recently in therapy but in a more specific context, because I felt like my therapist wasn't hearing me during a particularly bad patch at work. I didn't realise how deep it ran in me.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I used to swing between the two but when I was carrying all this pain around and holding it up to the wrong people there was something compulsive in it.

I agree with you. I was so desperate for people to see and hear me and understand me, I felt as if I was in a fun house of mirrors.

I did not know that I had surrounded myself with dysfunctional people who were not able to be there for me.

I am glad that I do not do this anymore.

 

[Freedomfighter]

I saw this earlier in another place and I used to tell people why I was the way I was in hopes of getting...

I do not say it exactly like this: my words go more like this: I have improved a lot and most of those improvements happened after I left the areas in which predators attempted to harass me. But I do use the words: if someone does not like the truth they better get out of my way.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@lostandforgottensoul it pretty much is the root cause is it not?

Part of it, maybe. They would torture me, litterly, until I told them whatever it is they were after (even if "I don't know" was the truth). If they thought I was keeping anything from them this would occur.

I do think that is why I am so honest, to a fault, today. Telling everyone everything, even if not asked. I was a teacher's aid in high school and she looked at me this certian way like "I know what you did" and I spilled my guts of anything and everything I had done and she said "I only wanted you to add another column to that."

I also don't spit out my entire past to people I just met anymore. That was a huge issue. Say I just met a guy, I'd want him to know whom I really was and just spit it all out. In my head I wanted the guy to still want to be there and support me and love me despite all of that. That I was still loveable. And understand. But in reality it made them all bolt.

Anyway, when it comes to majorlly wanting everyone to just understand, fully. I think that comes more from not being believed. My family calls me a liar and makes shit up about me and I've lost everyone due to just simply telling people the truth. I tell my therapist all the time that I wish I could back up time and just keep it to myself.

I have always wished that people could just jump in my head for a day or even an hour. To understand how I feel and what I go through in a day. And because of that very strong need to want people to just understand, I tend to over explain things and explain them over and over and over hoping that I can "explain to understanding" or something.

I don't know but I do it in real life too. When it got better here on the site it got better in real life to in just casual conversations but I still do it at work. A customer wants me to explain something to them and I tend to explain it 5 different ways before I "check back" with them, like saying "does that make sense" and used to so much that customers would stop me with "I got it" or something simular. That has gotten somewhat better though I do still do it at times. It's something I have to stay aware of.

So this resontate with me in many ways. I do credit the site in teaching me the correct ways to converse and socialize. It took a while but conversing on here has been invaulable to me! I'm still very awkward trying to socialize in real life but it has gotten way better.

 

[EmmaOwl]

Hum. This brings up for me something where I think I'm lying all the time, or keeping secrets. And then I get upset with myself for taking the "easy" path when I need to explain some oddness or deficiency - The thing is, I've had two major traumas in my life. The first was not "socially acceptable" in terms of conversation and privacy and family safety, all that; but the second, being .. well a violent terrorist attack, all I need to do is rely on the tiny last bit and people immediately back off.

In lots of situations, this is helpful to condense, and then I don't have to go on and explain details and so on. But then I kind of hate myself because I'm taking advantage of a situation that was much worse for many others, than it was for me.

So, I ignore the most deep-down injured part of myself. It might help people understand me but I have been in situations where I am grateful to have the more "acceptable" issue. This is all constructed for the outside world, but I end up confusing myself. For example, I know that in therapy, I need to do some real work on the early childhood stuff, but in the narrative I've constructed for everyone else, the outside world, my first trauma simply doesn't exist.

Does this make sense? My mood is really swinging at the moment. Sorry if it's irrelevant or took things in the wrong direction.

 

[EmmaOwl]

I do credit the site in teaching me the correct ways to converse and socialize. It took a while but conversing on here has been invaulable to me! I'm still very awkward trying to socialize in real life but it has gotten way better.

Yes this! Me too. I've got myself so hidden away, being on disability and so on, I've been isolated and I don't know how to talk or act in what seem like normal social situations. I've got a loong way to go but I am grateful to this site for giving me a place to "practice" interacting with others! With the added benefit of all the lovely people to be found here. :)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

That is why I love the forum, it has helped me to practice as well. I am glad this thread helped some people here.

 

[Sunshinekaz]

I saw this earlier in another place and I used to tell people why I was the way I was in hopes of getting...

Brilliant thread i used to explain my cptsd just so people could understand me . However never a good thing people can be extremely cruel . So it would make me worse the minute i feel vunrebale my anxiety goes up .
Therapy was the best place for me to talk and feel understood without judgement. That alone made me feel better. Looking for understanding out of that was never a good thing one person used my symptoms to say i was an unfit Parent mental as i made the mistake of telling her i get so upset im that hyper people think im on illegal drugs and makes my anxiety worse and she knew this upset me and i had no control so when i wouldnt bend to her bulling of another person she used it .
So for me as long as the wright people know thats all that matters .

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Brilliant thread i used to explain my cptsd just so people could understand me . However never a good thing people can be extremely cruel

I did this as well and it always backfired on me. I am so glad I do not do that anymore. I was in therapy at the time, and she did not warn me not to do that. I eventually quit my therapist to learn how to think for myself and I have never looked back. I did go to a therapist to have tune ups though, different therapist. And thank you for liking this thread.

 

[Teasel]

I am very happy for you @gizmo that you have grown so much from the painful situation you were in. It's very comforting for me to know others have come through this and found a happier life.

I have definitely done this, fairy recently too. And it mostly brought even more pain rejection and judgement. A really terrifying time for me.

Very happy to say I am learning things that are helping me begin to climb my way out of a terribly painful desperate and isolated period of my life.

Am starting to see that it was not the best way to get support and understanding from others. But at the same time I know I was just doing the best I could at the time, And I'm ok with that.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Very happy to say I am learning things that are helping me begin to climb my way out of a terribly painful desperate and isolated period of my life.

I am happy for you as well. It sounds like you went through a similar experience because once I realized the error of my ways I began to isolate badly and intensely.

Am starting to see that it was not the best way to get support and understanding from others. But at the same time I know I was just doing the best I could at the time, And I'm ok with that.

I liked what you said about getting support and understanding from others. That is what I was trying to do as well, but very ignorant of the ways of most people and setting myself up to fail because I did not know any better. I wish good things for you now and in your future.