Childhood Why Does Csa Hurt?

[Leisel]

I experienced CSA and now when I watch my parents with my sibling I feel really weird because they have so few boundaries. It's normal for parents to touch their kids all over. I think. Like with changing their diaper, or putting on diaper cream.
So how come CSA hurts? Where's the line between what's normal parenting and what isn't?
My therapist suggests that the abuse may have occurred before I was 4, since I don't have visual memory. If I was that little, if I didn't know it was sexual, how did it hurt me so much? I don't understand.
Like so I remember someone rubbing cream on me when I was like 7 and had a bladder infection and that's not abuse so why is it traumatic if someone does the same motion and touches the same place but without cream? Or why can doctors do something and it's considered normal (like pelvic exams, which I used to get a LOT as a kid bc of infections) but when a parent does, its abuse?
I am terrified of experiencing sexual assault or abuse again in the future and I am afraid of having sex at all because it could give me flashbacks or I might lose control. But why? Why does it scare me? If the doctors and other things shouldn't scare me, then why is it accepted that the CSA does?
A lot of people have sex, you know? And they aren't scared. And someone changed their diapers and they probably went to the doctor so chances are they were touched in the same places as me. What's the difference?

 

[One step at a time]

When you know someone is going to touch you for the sake of your health and when they have your permission, there is less fear, even if there is discomfort. When a person touches you for their own sexual gratification, especially if they are supposed to protect you from harm, that is a reason for great fear. They are putting themselves and their desires before your rights and safety, and that is wrong. Kids are perceptive, and your body is perceptive. You could feel the difference, even when the acts looked similar.

Sending peace and healing.

 

[talon]

I experienced CSA and now when I watch my parents with my sibling I feel really weird because they have...

If I knew more I might be able to find a trigger. Changing a baby touching ,being intimate it's all normal unless it's not wanted or has other associations which are not love based but sexual. Some people say they make love when there is no love present they are just having sex. I know someone who had DID she had problems with medical interventions . She fainted if she had examinations or had injections or dental treatment. Her problem stemmed from her child abuse in family. The medical intervention was not the problem the problem was about who has control. Losing control / not being in control can be frightening . When we are children we are vulnerable and have no choice but to trust . If I can help I will . I have a past as many do but I don't intend my past controls my future. Hopefully friends here my have the answers. Its good to talk

 

[trying to heal]

I experienced CSA and now when I watch my parents with my sibling I feel really weird because they have...

Hey Leisel I too have no memories of my early childhood and have a huge amount of issues with working out boundaries between who is safe and who isnt. My T says I'm not in a safe place to even start unpacking any of this so now I'm just left trying to band-aid myself enough to survive till im well enough to get out of this place.
I have had to have multiple medical procedures that have left me retraumatised and distressed that even thinking about them leaves me nauseated and panic building.
I cant stand any of my family members touching me at all and feel sick if they are standing too close to me. It is so scary to know why I have such a huge reaction with no memory.

Not sure any of this will help .. but maybe it helps to know you aren't alone.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

I know someone who had DID she had problems with medical interventions . She fainted if she had examinations or had injections or dental treatment. Her problem stemmed from her child abuse in family. The medical intervention was not the problem the problem was about who has control.

Yes, I agree, control is the issue here.

 

[Friday]

I usually stay out of the childhood forum... But a thing to consider?

A child breaks their arm falling out of a tree.
A child's so called parent breaks their arm.

In both cases? The arm is still broken. So what's it matter how it was caused? Why does one heal in six weeks & one will carry a lifetime of scars? What makes physical abuse different from physical injury?

A very, very, very long list.

And anything sexual is an even longer list, because children are as sexual as they are able to fly. They don't physically have the capacity for it. The physiology (puberty) isn't there. The neurology isn't there. The cognitive emotional development isn't there. They're -pure and simple- not capable of sex. There is no such thing as sex with a child. There is only rape & assault of a child.

 

[talon]

Hey Leisel I too have no memories of my early childhood and have a huge amount of issues with working...

I have supported a female with DID who eventually had 20 alters ranging from a teething baby to early and late teens and adults and both sexes. I chatted to the alters as they appeared and they shared their fears and worries. I was able to reassure and explain that their trauma was in the past rather than the present and all was well. One alter was a male who did not like to be touched and would shout out "watch it" if anyone came too close. Eventually i was able to remove this fear having discovered why. I called the alters family and introduced them to host / client and each other by getting them to leave notes or emails. They all had different tastes in dress and music and food. Female teenager smoked and liked to party whilst client did not. None of the alters wore or needed glasses whilst the client did. The 20 yr old male alter was the protector of client . Baby finally disappeared when given milk and a teether and over a few weeks she became a happy child and did not appear anymore .