Can You Ever Move On?

[Bristol]

As new year dawns i cant help feeling down about the prospect of yet another year of surviving. I feel like my past is something i am never going to be free of. I can do all the T in the world but i am going to keep having to deal with it, for example not being able to get pregnant for the last 2 years i know that is more than likely a result of what was done to me. I know i should be turning it around planning a life i can have but how do you ever move on when the stuff you try to move on from is still affecting things?

I just see the world getting excited and making plans as i loose interest and cant see how things will ever really change, i feel ruined.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I know the feeling as I cannot have kids because of my trauma and at 36 (in April) I remain single with no family.

But adoption has always been something I was intrested in. So many kids are taken out of abusive homes or homes where mom & dad passed and there isn't a relative. We promote adopting for dogs and cats but don't hear enough about adopting children.

Also foster homes. My neice and her husband fostered for years until she finally got pregnant.

I just never did either because I am single, it is expensive, and I can't even care for myself money wise let alone a child. But if I were married, a total different story.

So why not flip that around? There are also still possible options the natural way with more help. But if all that fails, adopt or foster. Many people's foster homes are their trauma. So why not be a good one?

 

[Seasounds]

but how do you ever move on when the stuff you try to move on from is still affecting things?

You have company; I went through a similar situation.

What I did that, I practiced daily, (at the end of my meditations and walks) was:

• Grieve, when I needed to
• Accept everything, including all circumstances in my life as a gift
• Place my intentions on new goals, that seemed realistic
• Forgive myself and
• Accept myself, as a very good person

After two years of this practice, along with directing my thoughts on what was possible, the sense of deep loss and not having my old dreams fulfilled, left. The reset worked.

Practicing patience and practicing self-kindness, helped a lot. My best to you!:hug:

 

[Bristol]

I know the feeling as I cannot have kids because of my trauma and at 36 (in April) I remain s...

Thanks for replying. I did think about adoption but my dad was my second abuser and i still have a relationship with him so im not sure they would let us adopt with him and his conviction in the family i would look into it though its just knowing where the disappointment would lie i suppose

 

[Bristol]

You have company; I went through a similar situation.

What I did that, I practiced daily, (at the end o...

Thanks for replying, i think i may have to start accepting it. Thank you for letting me know how you have gone about it, i need to accept it its just a hard thing to face i suppose

 

[lostforgottensoul]

so im not sure they would let us adopt with him and his conviction in the family i would look into it though its just knowing where the disappointment would lie i suppose

I would look into it and if needed, cut ties. That wouldn't be good for a birthed child either.

As far as accepting it, I went through this LONG before therapy but went back through it in therapy and you must accept that you are not damaged. MANY people in this country alone cannot have kids for many reasons. It does suck. It's almost like human nature to have a need to procreate but it isn't that simple and it isn't your fault. The fault always lies with the abuser or what caused it and that is where my issue is. It is always my fault in my brain but this must be worked through.

And it's ok. Their are many options to get those needs met. Like for a while I voluteered at a place to held abused children. Like a Big Sister thing. Then there is the Big Brother/Big Sister thing. I seemed to always make freinds that had kids. Family member's kids. Any way i could be around kids seemed to meet those needs a bit to have my own. At least temporarly.

And then I would investigate adoption. What is required? Should you cut your dad out to at least having contact with the child (so still phone calls, emails etc) or completely? I mean, if it is him or have a child and he was an abuser, he would have to go. I know it's no where near that simple, just my thoughts is all.

 

[Bristol]

I would look into it and if needed, cut ties. That wouldn't be good for a birthed child eith...

It is really tricky, if we had a child of our own he wouldnt ever be alone with them or in any position to hurt them but i feel that way we would have control. The problem with adoption is that i told the police about him and i feel that i would have caused my own downfall if it stopped us adopting.

I havent gone into this in any detail with T, i keep telling myself im ok with it but im really not. I love your idea of like charity work. I think i am just going to have to face making a plan B life im just not ready to face it.

 

[Anarchy]

Hi Bristol,

That you can think of a future, even if you're not thinking of a very bright one, is a good sign.

LFS is right,there are lots of potential reasons for not getting pregnant easily. Have you had things checked out medicaly? And your husband too - it might not be you who has difficulty.

If repairs are needed, like fallopian tubes needing unblocking, I think that they can be done by keyhole techniques,so minimal soreness and disruption to your life.

Please do bring this stuff up with your T

Hoping that this year is a good one for you
@

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Bristol, there is plenty of good stuff waiting out there for you!

I like what others have said about refocusing on the possible. There are so many ways to make a positive difference in this world!

Regarding adopting, it's hard for me to accept that you'd be rejected because of your father, especially if you cut him off.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Can I just add, for whatever its worth....

My Evil Grandfather hurt his wife and kids horribly. My parents didn't cut him off, but made sure we kids would never be alone with him.

Guess what happened? My grandmother and aunt took care of me for a few days when I was an infant, and somehow Evil Grandfather got me alone long enough to hurt me sexually.

So, even my parents' best intentions weren't good enough.

This is why I favor totally cutting off abusers.

 

[Bristol]

Hi Bristol,

That you can think of a future, even if you're not thinking of a very bright one, is a good sign.

LFS is right,there are lots of potential reasons for not getting pregnant easily. Have you had things checked out medicaly? And your husband too - it might not be you who has difficulty.
@

Anarchy, thanks for replying. We havent been checked out yet, to be honest im too scared to know, it feels like one thing to expect that is the cause and a whole different thing to find out that it actually is because of that. I have been trying to book a doctors appointment but i keep chickening out, i will try and get there eventually :)

Bristol, there is plenty of good stuff waiting out there for you!

I like what others have said about refocusing on the possible. There are so many ways to make a positive difference in this world

Buckaroo, thanks for replying. I know the logical thing to do would be to cut him out and i was so sorry to read of your experiences. Its such a tricky situation and i still feel like i need him if im honest, i dont feel able to cut him out and to hurt him, im not strong enough for that i dont think. Maybe thats why we havent got pregnant maybe some things just arnt meant to be maybe i wouldnt be very good at it and the sitaution wouldnt be a good one.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Its such a tricky situation and i still feel like i need him if im honest, i dont feel able to cut him out and to hurt him, im not strong enough

Yes, I also found the situation to be tricky. It was a hard road for me to walk. In a way, I was lucky, because I got 'forced' into rejecting my abusive family members (they got so nasty that escape was the only safe choice).

We all need parents. It's ok to feel like you still need him.

It might help that, if you should in the future decide to cut him out, it doesn't need to be done vindictively. As in my case, you could make the decision purely to save yourself.

And, if it helps, I think of you as quite strong. Whether you keep him in your life or cut him out, you are strong!