AslinSparx
New Here
Hi all,
I've been reluctant to post anything on this forum as doing so means that I have to confront what I've been avoiding. By putting myself 'out there', I admit to being broken and internally damaged, although not beyond repair. Putting it all out there makes shit REAL.
About 3 months ago tensions had been building with my partner and I (we were entering the 2yr phase of our relationship, and the 2yr mark is where all my relationships fail). What occurred was such a small thing, but for me it triggered off a cascade of horrible actions on my part. I became fearful and in doing so, I became incredibly judgemental, critical started to have a panic attack, attacked him verbally, dramatized the situation and became stuck in a circular argument. These kind of over reactions were becoming increasingly regular on my part, and I think my partner finally had enough. He prompted me to seek help, and what ensued that following week was a cataclysmic downward spiral into intense flashbacks that were emotionally and physically crippling. I was reliving my childhood experience all over again. I could hear my stepfather and aunts vicious words of contempt and was reliving past emotions as a child. I was even remembering past abuse that I had not thought about. It was all coming at me full force and I felt incredible shame, was depressed and highly anxious, remaining in a panic for most of that time. I reached out to HelpLine but avoided my friends and socializing (I dont have family as I am estranged) and I threw myself into researching as much as possible on why I over react in situations, why I am highly critical of self and others, why for so many years I've struggled to take full deep lung breaths, why I'm so nervous and 'jumpy' why I cant maintain relationships beyond 2yrs, why I put insurmountable walls up, why I have difficulty concentrating and completing things, why I have intense emotions/reactions and why I have such a negative view of myself and why the hell I am so terrified of abandonment! I discovered through researching and later on, through diagnosis, that I am suffering from BPD. It made total sense and whilst it was a punch in the face it was also a relief to finally get some answers for which I can actually work on, not just theoretically think about. I'm currently under the guidance of a therapist and doing DBT weekly. I've found it to be incredibly helpful. It's only recently that I've learnt that the years of physical and emotional abuse I endured has caused me to suffer from C-PTSD. I'm also a little confused as I've read that they can't exist as a comorbidity. Is this true??
Anywho, I'm here in all my brokenness to drop my walls and reach out to others in similar circumstances in the hope that I can heal and Love myself.
Thanks for reading.
I've been reluctant to post anything on this forum as doing so means that I have to confront what I've been avoiding. By putting myself 'out there', I admit to being broken and internally damaged, although not beyond repair. Putting it all out there makes shit REAL.
About 3 months ago tensions had been building with my partner and I (we were entering the 2yr phase of our relationship, and the 2yr mark is where all my relationships fail). What occurred was such a small thing, but for me it triggered off a cascade of horrible actions on my part. I became fearful and in doing so, I became incredibly judgemental, critical started to have a panic attack, attacked him verbally, dramatized the situation and became stuck in a circular argument. These kind of over reactions were becoming increasingly regular on my part, and I think my partner finally had enough. He prompted me to seek help, and what ensued that following week was a cataclysmic downward spiral into intense flashbacks that were emotionally and physically crippling. I was reliving my childhood experience all over again. I could hear my stepfather and aunts vicious words of contempt and was reliving past emotions as a child. I was even remembering past abuse that I had not thought about. It was all coming at me full force and I felt incredible shame, was depressed and highly anxious, remaining in a panic for most of that time. I reached out to HelpLine but avoided my friends and socializing (I dont have family as I am estranged) and I threw myself into researching as much as possible on why I over react in situations, why I am highly critical of self and others, why for so many years I've struggled to take full deep lung breaths, why I'm so nervous and 'jumpy' why I cant maintain relationships beyond 2yrs, why I put insurmountable walls up, why I have difficulty concentrating and completing things, why I have intense emotions/reactions and why I have such a negative view of myself and why the hell I am so terrified of abandonment! I discovered through researching and later on, through diagnosis, that I am suffering from BPD. It made total sense and whilst it was a punch in the face it was also a relief to finally get some answers for which I can actually work on, not just theoretically think about. I'm currently under the guidance of a therapist and doing DBT weekly. I've found it to be incredibly helpful. It's only recently that I've learnt that the years of physical and emotional abuse I endured has caused me to suffer from C-PTSD. I'm also a little confused as I've read that they can't exist as a comorbidity. Is this true??
Anywho, I'm here in all my brokenness to drop my walls and reach out to others in similar circumstances in the hope that I can heal and Love myself.
Thanks for reading.
