M
Misslola
Hi
I met my boyfriend four months ago (knew him briefly 20 years ago). We're both in our late 30s and he has a child from a previous relationship. He has served 20 years in the army and is still serving.
We had the most amazing first three months and fell deeply in love. Weekend away, butterflies, unbelievable sex etc and it really felt like we were laying the groundwork for a great relationship. Things that were issues in past relationships for each of us weren't problems for us (we're both close with our exes and we both accept and support that, I made a huge effort with his child etc). He said I was everything he'd ever wanted and he loves me more than he loves any woman. I felt the same and thought he was adorable with his little boy and we talked about having a baby one day in the not too distant future (biological clock!).
Then Xmas time was a disaster. Xmas eve he snapped over nothing and started smashing things up. He's locked me in the house and threatened to kill me. New Year's Eve was the worst night of my life. We went to a wedding and he was going careful with booze after what happened at Xmas yet he lost it after a minor argument and punched me in the head, knocked me to the floor and kicked me. It was like his eyes glazed over and he was a different person. I was so shocked and tried to break up with him, but within 24 hours we were cuddled up in bed together, crying and both shocked at what happened. He was diagnosed with ptsd some years ago, and had felt over it, but has had some triggers lately, such as bumping into a colleague who has lost his legs and arm. My boyfriend was there when it happened and saved him but he'd begged him to kill him. When he saw him just before Christmas he said, you should have killed me I have no life. He says there are around six major incidences like this which have traumatised him, having served in Iraq and Afghanistan. He was blown up himself and lost a finger, and has seen numerous friends die in front of him. He immediately realised he needed help and within a week started seeing a military psychiatric nurse, who is going to start him on EMDR. He is very open about his traumatic experiences which gave me hope that he is treatable.
I always thought I would walk away if a man hit me but I wanted to give him another chance. It is early days and I could walk away but I feel the real him is someone I could really love and build a life with. Things seemed to go back to normal but a couple of days ago we were just watching telly and he got angry for no reason again. I walked off when he raised his voice to avoid it escalating. I've just spent the last couple of days on the phone to him feeling pretty emotionally abused as she's screamed at me for no good reason, he's brought up all kinds of things he says I'm doing wrong and annoying him. Now he's admitted he's picking at me because he's ill and it's all his fault. Again I've said OK let's start afresh and he's saying no, I'm walking away from you for your own benefit because I can't cope with what I've done to you and I can't promise I'm not going to hurt you again.
I'm so torn and confused. I've not known him that long and in theory could walk away ad get over it (as he's pointed out). But I do feel drawn to him and feel a lot of love for him, despite how badly he's treated me the last month. He's blocked my number anyway and I don't know if he wants to give it a go again anyway. I get that he's just finding the expectations of a relationship too much, and I've suggested we take things slow and keep casual contact but heard nothing back from him. He's pushed me away but I don't want to beg. Any advise please?
I met my boyfriend four months ago (knew him briefly 20 years ago). We're both in our late 30s and he has a child from a previous relationship. He has served 20 years in the army and is still serving.
We had the most amazing first three months and fell deeply in love. Weekend away, butterflies, unbelievable sex etc and it really felt like we were laying the groundwork for a great relationship. Things that were issues in past relationships for each of us weren't problems for us (we're both close with our exes and we both accept and support that, I made a huge effort with his child etc). He said I was everything he'd ever wanted and he loves me more than he loves any woman. I felt the same and thought he was adorable with his little boy and we talked about having a baby one day in the not too distant future (biological clock!).
Then Xmas time was a disaster. Xmas eve he snapped over nothing and started smashing things up. He's locked me in the house and threatened to kill me. New Year's Eve was the worst night of my life. We went to a wedding and he was going careful with booze after what happened at Xmas yet he lost it after a minor argument and punched me in the head, knocked me to the floor and kicked me. It was like his eyes glazed over and he was a different person. I was so shocked and tried to break up with him, but within 24 hours we were cuddled up in bed together, crying and both shocked at what happened. He was diagnosed with ptsd some years ago, and had felt over it, but has had some triggers lately, such as bumping into a colleague who has lost his legs and arm. My boyfriend was there when it happened and saved him but he'd begged him to kill him. When he saw him just before Christmas he said, you should have killed me I have no life. He says there are around six major incidences like this which have traumatised him, having served in Iraq and Afghanistan. He was blown up himself and lost a finger, and has seen numerous friends die in front of him. He immediately realised he needed help and within a week started seeing a military psychiatric nurse, who is going to start him on EMDR. He is very open about his traumatic experiences which gave me hope that he is treatable.
I always thought I would walk away if a man hit me but I wanted to give him another chance. It is early days and I could walk away but I feel the real him is someone I could really love and build a life with. Things seemed to go back to normal but a couple of days ago we were just watching telly and he got angry for no reason again. I walked off when he raised his voice to avoid it escalating. I've just spent the last couple of days on the phone to him feeling pretty emotionally abused as she's screamed at me for no good reason, he's brought up all kinds of things he says I'm doing wrong and annoying him. Now he's admitted he's picking at me because he's ill and it's all his fault. Again I've said OK let's start afresh and he's saying no, I'm walking away from you for your own benefit because I can't cope with what I've done to you and I can't promise I'm not going to hurt you again.
I'm so torn and confused. I've not known him that long and in theory could walk away ad get over it (as he's pointed out). But I do feel drawn to him and feel a lot of love for him, despite how badly he's treated me the last month. He's blocked my number anyway and I don't know if he wants to give it a go again anyway. I get that he's just finding the expectations of a relationship too much, and I've suggested we take things slow and keep casual contact but heard nothing back from him. He's pushed me away but I don't want to beg. Any advise please?
