Death It's The Anniversary Of My Step Fathers Death

[Astrid_Shadow]

As of midnight tonight its officially the anniversary of my first step fathers death. This man first came into my life in 2010. He was the first person I actually considered as a father figure. He was with my mom when she came to get me back in 2010. I was adopted and I wanted out of that family so I called my mom to come get me and she arrived with that man.

His name was Mike. He was a really great guy. He died when I was 3 months pregnant. He promised me he would be there for my son and he didn't even live to see his birth. Its been officially 5 years since his death and I try not to make it look like its getting to me, I try to pretend everything is ok but I am breaking down. He was an amazing man, taken too soon cause the doctors didn't figure out his sickness soon enough. He died sitting on the couch with a coffee in one hand and a tv remote in the other.

I'll never forget him. I miss him so much. Nothing will ever be the same with his passing. He saw me as his own daughter. I can't be alone on the anniversary and I know I have my mom, my new step dad, my sisters but I still feel so alone. I wasn't even allowed at the funeral and neither was my mom. We were both devastated.

At first I was in denial when he died, I couldn't believe it. He was so full of life. I would stay up and wait for him to come home from work and he didn't get home til 3 am. I used to go wake him up with a coffee and a cigarette every morning. I know I'll always have my memories It gets harder every year...I miss him so much. He may not have been my biological father but he was close enough.

 

[jc3]

As of midnight tonight its officially the anniversary of my first step fathers death. This man fi...

I am incredibly sorry for your loss. I have three different men in my recovery that I rely upon emotionally, mentally and spiritually who have reparented me and accepted me in ways that my father never did, and I do not know what I would do without them. I hope your current stepfather is loving and supportive. Loss isn't easy, at all. I lost my mother to drug addiction when I was 14 and am now beginning to grieve the loss, as well as grieve the fact that I had an emotionally absent mother for most of my youth because of her addiction. I allow myself to feel angry at her for not making me a priority most of the time. Grieving is a very effective thing to do and I hope you find a little more peace as times goes on.

 

[Astrid_Shadow]

My birth father was never around he had his way with my mom and disappeared. All I know is his name but this man Mike, he made me feel like I was wanted. I know I had adoption parents but I saw them more as caretakers not real parents. Mike made me feel like I mattered. Like my existence wasn't just for show. I let Mike into my life and then he dies and people wonder why I close myself off from people, pretty much everyone I've ever gotten close to has died. Its too much I feel like I'm gonna break, I've lost five important people in my life. I don't wanna lose anyone else.

 

[jc3]

My birth father was never around he had his way with my mom and disappeared. All I know is his na...

I imagine that hurts quite a bit. I know how important it is to feel like a priority, especially from a father figure.

 

[Astrid_Shadow]

Yeah hes out there doing who knows what. Worst part is he knows I exist and he chooses to stay away. My mom ran into him when I was four years old and my mom asked if he wanted to meet me he said "No its better if she never sees me"
Thats why I try so hard when it comes to my new step father. I want some sort of father figure to look at me and say "I'm proud shes my daughter." I really hope I get this chance with my new step dad. Hes a really nice man but he will never replace Mike.

 

[jc3]

Yeah hes out there doing who knows what. Worst part is he knows I exist and he chooses to stay aw...

Do you like to read at all? I can recommend a few good books.

 

[Astrid_Shadow]

Sure. Send me a message if you'd like.