Want to punch everything, rage

[Mashed Potatoes]

The rage feelings started about 6 months ago. I don't know if it's the PTSD, anxiety, depression, ABI or what it is from...

It's like the smallest thing... can't find my keys. 0-60. I want to punch something then I want to S/I (kill myself) even though I don't.

I feel my chest tightening.

Today it was just a series, a feelingly LONG series of small events.

Bumped into the side of the wall, misjudged while walking
Hit a chair
Decided to work out with the Wii
Wii wasn't plugged in
Wii fit board needed batteries
Husband tried to help around lunch time, ordered Subway online
Drove to the wrong one
Had to go across town
Gas light went on

Seriously... I realize they are small things. I don't know why they leave me feeling desperate, out of control, alone. Trying to talk to my husband about how I'm feeling, trying to be open about it. He doesn't understand and it makes me feel more alone.

Sorry for all this venting. I have no one else to talk to that would understand.

 

[loui50]

I get feelings of rage too. Usually when my kids act up. But they are kids, they aren't perfect and I'm not talking tantrum. I'm talking I say lets go and they walk slow. I would never take it out on them, but I have hit the wall before over it. Believe me you are Not alone. Sometimes I want to hurt myself. I've been known to hit myself repeatedly in the head with my hand when I can't take it any more. And it is always the little things.

 

[bring em all in]

I can relate to your post, Mashed Potatoes. I blew up big time over the weekend when the toilet stopped up. I pounded on the sink counter and almost punched a hole in a wall. Like you said, it's 0-60, no warming up, no seething building up. I even go beyond verbal to growling and roaring like a rabid animal. It scared the hell out of my wife and me.

I started working with a new therapist who's teaching me a new strategy for dealing with my rage issues. I'll keep everyone posted if they work for me or not.

 

[Mashed Potatoes]

@loui50 @bring em all in THIS IS WHY I LOVE YOU GUYS and THIS BOARD! Seriously!! I hate that we go thru it but I love when I find out I am not alone. I am not crazy. I am just dealing with things that have happened thru the course of life that have left me in this brain space. I read you talking about rabid animal @bring em all in , I let out a crazy scream not that long ago during a heavy downward spiral I just couldn't control. I was scared, I scared my husband. I was shocked the police didn't show up over it, and glad they didn't :). @loui50 I certainly understand your example too. Thank you for taking the time to share and to write back to me. I actually feel a little better knowing other people relate. <3

 

[bring em all in]

I know what you mean, Mashed Potatoes! My wife said she was worried a neighbor (we live in a townhouse) might call the police. There's a song by Lou Reed on his album "Magic and Loss" titled "Warrior King." I'm going to try to sing it the next time I start to go off!

 

[jc3]

@loui50 @bring em all in THIS IS WHY I LOVE YOU GUYS and...

I understand the uncontrollable feeling of instantaneous rage, too. It's definitely attributed to our childhood trauma. Abandonment and abuse is so detrimental to us growing up that whenever there's the slightest semblance of losing control in our adult lives it immediately hijacks our brains to the point of no control as children, thus resulting in the outbursts. It's especially unfortunate because there can be so many things that trigger terrible feelings every day. I had an occurrence last year that involved my sink getting clogged in my kitchen that backed up my entire plumbing system because I spilled potting soil into the drain and then immediately afterwards I was so ragefully devestated that I threw a serving bowl across the room that put a hole into the basement door. It was as if my father was in the same room as me when it happened and was abusing me for making a simple mistake. I was flashing back to how my father treated me when I made a very simple mistake. He was very mean to me when I was just being a clumsy little boy sometimes. Punching bags and pillows are good to hit instead of ourselves. I also have wanted to kill myself many times while feeling so angry, but that's because we are in so much pain. The abusers of our past, whomever they were/are, have been so incredibly unfair to us!!!

 

[jc3]

I know what you mean, Mashed Potatoes! My wife said she was worried a neighbor (we live in a to...

The cops were DEFINITELY called on me by a neighbor because of post traumatic outbursts.

 

[Mashed Potatoes]

I know what you mean, Mashed Potatoes! My wife said she was worried a neighbor (we live in a to...

@bring em all in Let me know how that works out : )

 

[Mashed Potatoes]

The cops were DEFINITELY called on me by a neighbor because of post traumatic outbursts.

@jc3 were they understanding?

 

[jc3]

@jc3 were they understanding?

Not quite, but that was 6 years ago. I cut my head by smashing an oscillating fan against my television and bled everywhere, so by the time they showed up my living room was tore apart and i was bleeding all over myself. They confiscated everything sharp in my kitchen and left.

 

[LuckiLee]

The rage feelings started about 6 months ago. I don't know if it's the PTSD, anxiety, depressio...

Glad you're able to vent here. I'm usually on the receiving end of the rage so all I can say is please apologize to the people in your wake. We understand your frustration but like to have our feelings acknowledged too. Good luck.

 

[LLMertens]

Hey I started hitting myself in the head ovrr and over when I got so angry I couldn't think. I was balled up on the floor in a corner wanting to knock myself out. I think I was mad because the bread I wanted for a sandwich was sold out and my husband brought home a different kind. He got screamed at for getting the wrong kind and he calmly looked at me and said they were out and next up was the screaming meemies on the floor hitting myself. I don't typically get THAT bad so it really was scary.

I have definitely had success using DBT distress tolerance skills since that time. Getting on the treadmill, grabbing a handful of ice, balancing a ziplock baggie of cold water on my face, balancing eggs, and singing have all worked at some point or another.