Mastering Ptsd Symptoms; Self Sabotage

[saraemerald]

I'm sure this may sound vaguely repetitive of some of my previous posts but also somewhat different. What if you were "the good girl", "peace maker", overcoming great odds, trying to be as innocent as possible despite being abused, trying so hard to overcome any symptoms of abuse and even possible symtoms of abuse, I was also determined that even though I was hurt and abused by others never gives me an excuse to treat anyone else lilewise, I took as much responsibility as I could to overcome the effects of what my PARENTS did to me, I excercised, learned breathing techniques, ate good food and took supplements that helped me with my anxiety and I worked REALLY hard to get my life in a better place in addition to "being a 'good' Jehovah's Witness.
And the I got to a better place in my life feeling better than I ever felt before amd then...
I SABOTAGED IT ALL AND FORCED MYSELF TO SHRINK MYSELF, RUIN ALL MY HARD WORK AND EFFORTS, AMD SABOTAGED ALL THE GOOD THINGS I WORKED HARD FOR MOST OF MY LIFE

 

[Astrid_Shadow]

It is really hard when all your hard work to keep everything together just crumbles apart.. I know that pain all too well. I really am glad you reached out to us. No one completely gets over what happened to them, we just take a deep breath and move forward, always remembering whats happened and doing our best to prevent it from happening again. I am really sorry your suffering but please remember you are not alone. You have us. We are all here to back you up. No matter what happens. Please don't forget that.

 

[Friday]

Learning how&why I sabotage myself has been really useful to me.

Also? Not taking more (or less) than my share of the blame. Which isn't something I do well, full stop, and that goes by about a zillion when in insolation. Personally, I tend to need 'reality checks' for 'how much of this is actually my fault' ... Which means I not only need people, but people who won't blow sunshine up my ass & tell me something isn't my fault when it is (no matter how well intended, it's just not helpful!), or will blame me for things that aren't my fault. It's a difficult thing, for me. People I can trust to tell me the truth as they see it, as well as world views I agree with, aren't exactly commonplace. Who can help me break shit down into shades of grey. Okay. What's my fault, what isn't, & what is a blend of each? <<< I have to do that before I can really figure out how&why, or I just end up chasing my own tail.

 

[ladee]

This may be completely off the Mark...but I feel you wanted out. And had no clue how to go about it.
So You went from' good girl' to 'bad girl' to make sure you were no longer accepted.
Unfortunetly you feel you ruined your good girl image.
You are still that loving caring young woman. So You took some actions you aren't proud of.. Its called 'growing up'. Finding what works and what doesn't.
It doesn't surprise me that in an extreme religion, you took extreme measures to get out. And not giving yourself any slack at all that you are an abuse victim that had a meltdown.
I still have a problem understanding what answer you are looking for about this. That's on me, not you

What is it you are needing to hear or be validated that you did what was right for you at the time
Its not like you had anyone to ask or talk to about it.
Ate you confused as to who you are?
Help us out here to g
et you an answer you can live with.Or to help you accept what is done is done and help you to move on.

 

[Sophie's Daddy]

I'm sure this may sound vaguely repetitive of some of my previous posts but also somewhat different...

Been there and am doing that right now. Don't worry, you are in good company.

Pete Walker, a cPTSD survivor himself, speaks about this in his book Survive and Thrive with a better articulated perspective than I've ever read.

Building back ourselves and recovering from cPTSD will probably be a lifelong process for all of us, and very likely a two steps forward one step back kind of deal.

For my part, I sometimes have to get to the bottom before I realize just how much progress I have made.

So take heart- now that you have seen your own ability to rise up, your past success will be your own encouragement to build even higher next time.

 

[saraemerald]

Been there and am doing that right now. Don't worry, you are in good company.

Pete Walker, a cP...

I'll check that book out then. I am having a hard time understanding why we would be doing great at moving forward and keeping ourselves going and then to turn against ourselves. Like, that doesn't make sense to me. Sigh. Once I understand it all, hopefully I will be able to forgive myself.

 

[saraemerald]

So this is a theory. Self sabotage is caused by an internal conflict within ourselves we are unaware of or we are aware of it but cannot do anything about it.

And that internal conflict for me was suppressing years of tears and anger and being a peaceful, humble, slave for an organization without even realising it amd putting my life on hold till some paradise comes while witnessing a whole lot of hypocricy.

My resulting behaviors were so CRAZY and I am upset that being in such an organization/religion/ cult would lead to such crazy behaviors. The blame game involved is awful and knowing YOU are the one manifesting the crazy behaviors and not knowing why at the time, so you just go downhill even more and further demean yourself. Ugghhh! And you have no one to blame and then you start to curse at God even tho, if there is one, it's not his fault. So at that point you just want to disappear.
And then you discover it was a cult and by this time, it's too late. Because you have already demeaned yourself so much at this point that you don't ever want to forgive yourself for going so low! And so then you become a hateful person like never before and then miss the person you were when you were stuck in the cult, because at least then, you were honestly doing the best you could with what you had.

 

[Friday]

I'm curious how much you deem self sabotage is actually being symptomatic.

As in it's fairly natural / common to get through trauma just "fine" and then as soon as you're actually safe? Fall apart. Which is what I mean above in taking too much blame. There's actual self-sabotage, and then there are symptoms that are "just" beyond your ability to deal with. And there's the blend of the two. Using self defeating behaviors in order to attempt to cope with symptoms.

 

[saraemerald]

I just had a thought and I think I am somehow still scared of myself for some reason that somehow something is terribly wrong with me and I need to be fixed amd if I don't fix myself, I could be a psychopath or something

 

[saraemerald]

I'm curious how much you deem self sabotage is actually being symptomatic.

As in it's fairly natural /...

Maybe that's it too. I don't know. I can't believe how much other ppl's abusive actions and judgemental behavior can make us hate ourselves

And just when we think we are finally safe or in a better place in our life.
I am hurting so bad. I was just trying to be a good person for so many years and I just wanted ppl to like me and for life to be good

I'm curious how much you deem self sabotage is actually being symptomatic.

As in it's fairly natural /...

Why would we use self defeating behaviors to cope with symptoms? And what kind of symptoms are you referring to? By the way, thank you for responding

 

[saraemerald]

To explain, my mom was not just abusive but weird and she was definitely psychotic. It was embarassing to be related to her. Because I was so isolated because of growing up the way I was, I felt very lonely and only had good connections to people through school and church in that strict religion. I was not allowed to be friends with anyone outside of that religion, so growing up, I learned to be friendly with everyine around me but scared of getting too close and making mistakes or becoming overconfident and making too many mistakes.

 

[Friday]

Why would we use self defeating behaviors to cope with symptoms?

Because they help, in the short term.

- Someone who is feeling too much may self medicate with drugs or alcohol.
- Someone who is numb may engage in risk taking/thrill seeking in order to feel anything.
- Someone who feels out of control may turn to an eating disorder in order to feel in control.
- Someone who is hypervigilant or overwhelmed with stress may quit going to work/school in order to lower their stress.
- Someone who has been hurt by others may push trustworthy people out of their lives & seek out untrustworthy people because being treated badly is comfortable & familiar.
- Someone whose stress is maxed may be blowing up & lashing out at people in order to vent stress.
- Someone else whose stress is maxed may turn that inward, to protect those around them, but hurting themselves.
- Someone whose anxiety is running hot may stop eating, or sleeping, suffering the side effects of starvation or sleep dep.

List just keeps going and going. The list of symptoms from PTSD are fairly short, but the list of unhealthy coping mechanisms, and effects of trauma? Is huuuuuuuge. It doesn't absolve someone of personal responsibility. For example, if someone is choosing to drink, or cut themselves, that's their choice. But the symptoms that the drinking or cutting are "helping" (in the short term) are not their choice. Learning how to use other tools & coping mechanisms that aren't self destructive is as much a part of dealing with PTSD, in my experience, as learning how to reduce the symptoms leading to need coping mechanisms.