Relationship Spouse Of Combat Vet

[Corinne]

I feel like I have hit a wall in our relationship and have been replaced with a PC game, Reddit and his PC community. Today he played from 12pm-4pm and has currently been playing from 10pm-4am! (Currently awake because he's so l loud talking and clicking) He wasn't playing before 12 because he was asleep and wasn't playing between times because he was working. He works part time. So pretty much every waking hour is on his game. Unless I preschedule something and hope he 1)remembers and 2)doesn't cancel. This is crazy right? I heard games are good for PTSD but this is by far extreme right? I need advice fast. I can't talk to him about it because he gets defensive and angry and tries to compare it to me being on my phone or watching TV. Can someone please help. We have a family and my girls need him to be present. I need him to be present.

 

[Kintsugi]

I don't know who told you games were "good for PTSD." A gaming habit like that is like any habit of vice--escapist, a means of avoidance. As someone who is crazy prone to gaming addiction and was a huge stoner, I'll tell you that gaming at that level is not much different from a marijuana addiction (a difficult behavioral habit to kick with a chemical component that isn't as serious as other substance abuse problems). Games release certain feel-good chemicals associated with achievement, the same natural high you get from getting shit done.

I don't know that there is a solution that doesn't involve verbally engaging with him about the problem, though. Communication is the foundation of relationships.

 

[AslinSparx]

I don't know too much about gaming but I do know a bit about communication. If he becomes defensive and compares his gaming to the amount of time you spend on your phone/TV then would you be willing to cut down your usage to demonstrate to him that you are present for him? You could also approach him when he's not gaming and express how much it means to you and your relationship, if you could both spend some quality time together (a picnic, cooking together, a movie, a shared massage- whatever floats both your boats). You could also suggest a date night once a week/fortnight etc and emphasize the importance of reconnecting with one another. He may feel totally bombarded and cornered if you attack him with demands to stop gaming. I would suggest a calm and soft approach with some validation such as letting him know that you love him, support him and would never want to change him, but that you just feel like you could both do with some more intimate time to reconnect.

 

[Phantom Shadow]

Well, I have done what he is doing to my wife. As what been stated before me, it was an escape from the real world for me. An when I wasn't sleeping, eating, or at work I was on the game. My wife of 36 years had to get in front of the game one afternoon and tell me I was addicted to it. An now I see that I was, but nothing would stop me until that night. I guess it was a world were I had to win and avoid the real world. I had no problems when I was in that world. Only that world, me an escapism. I did not have to fight my PTSD an when I did go to bed I was too tired to have my usual nightmares. She had to make me see what I was doing to her. My kids at that time were already out of the house and having there own babies. It was not easy for her to do as she is afraid of my temper that the war and my PTSD gave me in spades. But she sat in my gaming chair and would not allow me to boot up the game until I heard her out. We had a really donnie brook fight that night over it but she got thru an after I got over it an played that night. The next couple of days at work I realized what I was doing as I replayed that fight over in my head. I stopped playing all the time an within a few months stopped that game all together. I still play an do get into that gaming mode from time to time especially with new games but not months and months straight like then.

I do believe it helped me somewhat with my PTSD as I could escape it for a time but it was always the same when I stop. My wife from time to time when I am in one of my bad moods over the PTSD sends me to my office or man cave as she calls it. Sometimes I think it is only to have alone time for herself too. But she knows now how to get me out of that mode when she needs too.

All I can tell you to do is ask him, "WHY" he loves it so much. Make him see what it is doing to the family and especially to you. Ask him if the escapism that he is doing is ok with his therapist if he has one. I was hiding it from my therapist, I did not realize I was then but I was. My therapist got all over me about escaping instead of coping with the real world.

Hope it gets better an that this helped you see it from the other side.

 

[Friday]

How long has it been like this?
How long does he usually get like this?
Did a long awaited game just release?

First 2 questions are because I use gaming like I use isolation, (for me is often -but not always- a form of isolation, but one that allows me to physically stay present instead of walking out the door), and there are both healthy & unhealthy versions of each. What draws the line = time + consequences.

3rd question is just because like hunting widows, football season, etc. major releases = "I'll see you in a few weeks".

 

[J'qel]

There are a few different studies out now that have found Gaming is actually very good for PTSD. Mostly because it allows a safe space for the person to be in. For combat vets, it allows them to experience otherwise traumatic things (like people getting shot) in a safe environment they can turn off if it becomes too difficult to manage.

That being said- I was an EQ widow (gf at the time)-my (now husband) bf would spend most of his days with his head in the game. He even missed a new year's party by lying to me and saying he was sick. I dropped by to see him because I felt bad and there he was-plugged in.

His case was partly due to depression and self imposed isolation-which made it worse. He had had some rough spots so it was his life away from the life where things were too demanding, too painful for him to deal with.

It took years. We broke up four times because he decided his habit was more important than time with me. We talked about it a lot.

Now he still games pretty often, because it is his leisure. He doesn't do poker nights, or going bar hopping with the guys, or anything like that and tbh-it's cheaper than pretty much any alternative. We have a point where I can ask him to spend time with me, though he a community online he's committed to supporting, and that's his "poker buddies" he hangs out with twice a week.

Replace gaming with another more traditional hobby and try and decide if you'd still be upset. Four hours for a poker night would be nothing. Heck, six hours would be nothing, and they're considered normal in relationships. A lot of folks are weirded out simply because gaming is so new to our society, but it is cheap, and it is less harmful than drinking and smoking cigars and gambling.

What else, if he wasn't gaming would you be doing together? If you'd just be in different rooms reading, then it's not taking any time from you when you would be together-and honestly-that should be your concern.

Is he missing sleep, work or events he's otherwise committed to because of his gaming?

If so, then you need to give him a schedual, and explain why. Point out that his habit is fine as long as it doesn't interfere with his life-which it is. Let him know that as a hobby, it should come in second to life events, and that if it interferes with his life, it's no longer a hobby but an addiction.

Both sides need to be reasonable.

For a long time I hated his damned game, but I, as well, needed to look at myself. A lot of the time was time when we really would just be doing our own thing separately. So my complaints weren't really valid, they were just resentment at an inanimate object. Not very reasonable of me.

When he missed the new years party-that was definitely valid because he was choosing a hobby over time that was set aside for us to be engaging in something together as a couple.

He even missed classes to be playing and that wasn't proper either.

Now he games when we'd be doing our own thing, and it is back to a hobby. He does it when he doesn't have anything else he'd be doing and I've learned that it's not alcohol, it is really cheap (try to find any other hobby that's 15$ a month), and it helps him relax. As long as it isn't taking precedence, it really *isn't* a problem.

 

[Kintsugi]

There are a few different studies out now that have found Gaming is actually very good for PTSD

He even missed a new year's party by lying to me and saying he was sick.

Now he still games pretty often, because it is his leisure.

Is he missing sleep, work or events he's otherwise committed to because of his gaming?

These reasons above are exactly why I likened such a habit to smoking weed. A strong behavioral addiction with a lesser chemical component that can become destructive and a means of avoidance, even if at certain levels such a habit could be fine or even helpful.

 

[FallColour]

I feel like I have hit a wall in our relationship and have been replaced with a PC game, Reddit and his...

I wish you the very best. Seek out help via forum's like this. If you have a decent VA around, they may offer counselling group/couple/individual. Be honest with your health care providers when you are asked if you feel safe at home.

My ex (sorry, know that is not what you want to hear) would disappear into video games for weekends at a time. I got blamed for my increased gym and work hours.

I also have suffered from PTSD for 16+ years, but am considered medically managed -- I am under the care of good physicians and admit I have trouble keeping my PTSD symptoms under control at time. As military/federal we have additional resources and are protected by law against losing our employment when we self identify a disability like PTSD. It took me years to self-identify my PTSD as I viewed it as a personal inability to perform my job.

When my home situation became violent (toward me), I isolated and made lots of excuses to friends/family for years. When the violence spread to one of the kids, I left. I had some very scary nights with police intervention. Also, some civilian police can provide great support referrals -- safe houses or just a 24 hr number to call.

There are lots of great therapies available, but the first step is for the person in need of PTSD help to recognize that he/she needs help. And is not a failure as a spouse or employee.

Sometimes, the spouse or significant other is not the best option to help your loved one with unmanaged PTSD. Perhaps a fellow combat veteran may provide some outlet in a social environment. The American Legion was a great resource for us when we were stationed in TX.

I realize now that when I was restationed to FL, that the American Legion was replaced by local beach bars that did not help either of our PTSD management.

Of course, the constant separations and different duty stations were tough as well.

I wish you the very best and send thoughts and prayers your way. Stay safe and connected.

 

[J'qel]

These reasons above are exactly why I likened such a habit to smoking weed.

I know some about smoking weed-and I wouldn't advocate it for some of the side effects on a neurological level (should the individual be predisposed)-also gaming doesn't vent smoke into the environment, it's purely self contained and doesn't the safety and health of the environment around whomever should choose to partake. Smoke is still bad for you, weed or cigarette, it's still carcinogenic. Any burned material is.

If anything I would equate it to oils, which don't produce smoke-but even so-predisposition to certain forms of mental illness can be heightened or even brought into play should someone partake on a regular basis, whereas gaming doesn't.

I have nothing against those who pursue in a safe and responsible manner, but we must always be informed.

.....and anything can be an addiction. From eating to watching TV. It's always best to manage our habits lest they manage us.

 

[Corinne]

I don't know who told you games were "good for PTSD." A gaming habit like that is like any habit of...

He is a recovery alcoholic. That would make perfect sense. I do know that he does have a addictive personality. He typically will obsess over one hobby and move to the other fairly quickly. I guess this one just stuck.

 

[J'qel]

If you have concerns, true concerns about his gaming-if it is showing an addictive pattern (avoiding sleep, eating and basic hygiene, not keeping committed social events), then you can take some steps.

You need to find out if it *is* an addictive phase however. If he's only gaming four or six hours two, maybe three days a week and not neglecting anything else, it's not an addiction, it's a hobby.

While you may not share his enthusiasm or you may wish he had a different hobby, that is a different animal all together and must be handled in an entirely seperate manner.

I have run into other spouses who hate their -almost exclusively-husband's video game hobby. It seems a fairly common response, and many of them do refer to it as an "addiction"-but it isn't. It's simply a hobby they find distasteful or resent because they wish more time together. I can totally understand that, but then you need to address the real issue.

The issue they were having wasn't with an addiction, it was with lack of intimacy in the relationship. Lack of an emotional connection. Those who went on to identify it and were able to say: "I'd like us to spend more time together as a husband and wife, because I feel lonely in our relationship" were much more likely to have a constructive response than those who responded as if they were a one woman intervention team on what was, in truth, nothing more than a hobby.

As I stated, there are guys who spend more time playing touch football, watching sports, playing poker and whathaveyou. Hells, it may even be that simple. A lot of games are on social media or are networked or online. A lot of people spend time on them hanging out with online friends the same way the rest of us would hang out offline. It's still a social action.

You say 10am to 4pm. That's six hours. If he's unemployed, is he not doing something he should be? If there isn't anything he should be doing, then he may simply be filling the time with entertainment. That it's not TV or talking on the phone or tossing a ball in the backyard shouldn't really matter. Entertainment is entertainment.

I get that it can be irritating, but take time away to breathe and consider objectively as you can. What else should he be doing during that time? What else is not doing or avoiding doing? How many days does he spend that 10am to 4pm? Is it more than three? More than five? Has he blown off social engagements for it-ones you think he'd normally want to attend?

Head-in-box(computer) is, for some people, the equivalent to head-in-book or head-in-movie. For PTSD it puts us in a safe environment. It gives us a space to relax and be safe. In imaginary worlds and places we can't be reached and damaged by all the other things that careen around in our minds, and in our lives.

It can be hard to be isolated from him, but it is a very very normal coping mechanism.