DID Parts, alters, agency, not knowing who i am

[theshadowoftheliving]

The dissociation is worse this week than usual.

I'm struggling to know what time of day it is, where I am, what I'm doing, why I'm there. Usual strategies of note-keeping, list-making and alarm-setting isn't working the way it should. I keep "waking up" mid task, then losing track again. I can't tell the difference between reality and dreams and thoughts and I think that parts are taking over and I feel so distant, so far away. I don't feel like I have agency anymore. I feel like I'm fading into the background it is so alarming, so frightening, so panicking. I don't know how to keep trying to make things work if I can't remember things and I don't know how to care if it isn't me that owns these actions.

I'm getting worried about this because it is getting so much worse than usual. I'm starting to do crazy things like check my car for damage in the morning in case I did something crazy the night before. I'm really, really scared.

Someone tell me that this isn't just how it will always be. I can't keep doing this if I'm just going to end up fading away completely.

 

[Afraidtochoke]

It will not always be like this. Is it possible to leave yourself notes for the morning after?

 

[Muted]

The dissociation is worse this week than usual.

I'm struggling to know what time of day i...

I can understand how scary these types of things feel. Have you tried tracing back to when things shifted? I think parts tend to cause chaos when something is really triggering.

When do you see your t next?

 

[Intrepid]

Unless you have a history of causing damage when you dissociate you probably won't cause damage now or in the future. Knowing that you are not dangerous might give you some space to regroup.

Right now I'm both cussing my parts out and telling them it isn't their fault. It's hard. But it does get better. I notice what's going on now when I used to be oblivious.

 

[Sideways]

Any changes in your life recently you can think of that might have triggered this?
Any chance of taking some time out to do something grounding or soothing?

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Is it possible to leave yourself notes for the morning after?

Yes, but only if I can remember to write them. This is the problem right now.

When do you see your t next?

Not till next week. I wish it was sooner.

Knowing that you are not dangerous might give you some space to regroup.

I'm driving to work though. A few years ago I hit another car when driving and almost totalled mine and his. And sometimes I find myself hiding in strange, punlic places. I don't do "dangerous" things but its also not super safe sometimes and that is really, really scary.

Any changes in your life recently you can think of that might have triggered this?
Any chance of taking some time out to do something grounding or soothing?

I think it is just stress? I've bene working a lot/work is really demanding right now.

 

[Sideways]

"Just stress":rolleyes:

I'm guilty of saying such things at times. Stress? Way overdoing it and not looking after number 1 properly - would that possibly cause me to derail!?!?:eek:;)

 

[7Cs]

Yes, but only if I can remember to write them. This is the problem right now.



Not till...

Can you call your T and explain the situation? Maybe you can get in sooner.
Oddly, I never think to do that when I'm in the midst of a crisis.

 

[whiteraven]

When I am in a similar place, the only thing that helps me is to eliminate whatever is creating the stress (if it is an outside source and can be removed) and focus entirely on grounding mysel(ves). Safety is the most important thing here. We can deal with the confusion and the upset and the craziness, but if we run our car up a pole because a 4-year-old was driving, or an angry insider was suicidal, then everything else is moot. So, for example, if work is overwhelming, then I will call in sick. Not ideal, but sometimes you do what you have to do. Or maybe I'll arrange to go in late. Or work from home. Then, I'll take that day and spend it working with my insiders on grounding or, I'll just do some generally calming and relaxing activities that I know will carry over to everyone.

If you are starting to notice this fragmenting more often, and you think that it might be because you are under more stress, see if you can figure out some ways to reduce your load. If you have to, write down some of the things that are contributing to your stress and then maybe you can work out some ways to lessen their impact on you.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Stress? Way overdoing it and not looking after number 1 properly - would that possibly cause me to derail!?!?:eek:;)

Yeah, somehow I always think I'm super human. Plus, there's one part that takes things on thinking she can do it all and that just isn't reality, but then there are so many things to be done and the consequences of not doing them are higher than the pain of doing them ....

Can you call your T and explain the situation? Maybe you can get in sooner.
Oddly, I never think to do that when I'm in the midst of a crisis.

I emailed, but I can't get in earlier even if I wanted to, as my own schedule is too crazy. Waiting to hear back.

Safety is the most important thing here. We can deal with the confusion and the upset and the craziness, but if we run our car up a pole because a 4-year-old was driving, or an angry insider was suicidal, then everything else is moot. So, for example, if work is overwhelming, then I will call in sick. Not ideal, but sometimes you do what you have to do. Or maybe I'll arrange to go in late. Or work from home. Then, I'll take that day and spend it working with my insiders on grounding or, I'll just do some generally calming and relaxing activities that I know will carry over to everyone.

I know this. But my job isn't flexible at all. Calling out sick isn't an option, and this is just reality, not me being dramatic. So it makes it really hard, and that's where I feel stuck.

 

[Muted]

I get feeling stuck @theshadowoftheliving.

 

[Sunshineturtle]

The dissociation is worse this week than usual.

I'm struggling to know what time of day i...

You need to work with a therapist. You have to try and talk to the alters. Make deals with them so that you can lnow what they are doing
Each has a purpose. Each is there for a reason. Most likely takes over when you are stressed. Try EMDR or brain spotting.