Forgiveness And Grudges - Opinions, Please?

[Deleted member 33052]

Forgiveness is something that I don't understand. All my life I've been told that I'm unforgiving, that I hold grudges. Long after someone has forgotten some slight, some small offence toward me, I hold a grudge.

I finally do understand that holding a grudge has nothing to do with wanting to be pissed off. It's the most important indication that I'm still hurting from that *harmless* snipe. I can't forgive when the wound hasn't healed.

I don't know if I'm alone in feeling this way, but I would love some feedback. I'm tired of feeling ashamed of my inability to *get over it* .

 

[Bristol]

Totally with you on this i hold a grudge over the smallest little things like a rude remark from my hubby to some other driver not giving way the internal anger eats me alive lol

 

[gealach]

I am the same way! I see it as protective, rather than just 'not letting it go', in that I have an index of suspicion where that person is now concerned. If they've behaved that way in the past, there is no reason that they won't behave like that again, unless of course they've put in the work. If I carry that index of suspicion, I can anticipate their 'worst' known behavior, and prepare & protect myself.

I have no advice, since I haven't figured the solution out for myself, but I can offer support. :hug:

 

[Rani G2]

Forgiveness is something that I don't understand

Mal Content, what I see in many “preached“ forms of forgiving is that there is no liberation at all. There is no ability to express his or her resentment against abuse, no expression of Anger. What happens there? Its like putting camouflage on a wound. Covering it up with “forgiveness“. Thats what moral preachers do, but there is no healing there.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

I don't hold grudges I learn valuable lessons.

Everyone has off days and everyone says things they later regret, or it comes across the wrong way. as long as there's no malicious intent and as long as they apologise and regret I can understand. But where there is malicious intent even if it's said in the heat of an argument if someone's said something specifically to hurt me? I'm going to remember that. I wouldn't share intimate details of my life anymore maybe I won't give them any more ammunition for the next time they get pissed off. Lesson learned and if someone is constantly sniping at me and being a jerk..see ya later. It's hard enough without having people like that in your life. I'll forgive them all the way to the door.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

I am the same way! I see it as protective, rather than just 'not letting it go', in that I have an in...

Actually, I think you just nailed it. Defensive mechanism! :tup:

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Mal Content, what I see in many “preached“ forms of forgiving is that there is no liberation at al...

I agree. How can you forgive when the wounds are raw? Forgiveness is supposed to be about letting go, but what if the offense isn't ready to let go of you?

Can forgiveness be authentic if you're unable to let go of the hurt?

 

[Deleted member 33052]

I don't hold grudges I learn valuable lessons.

Everyone has off days and everyone says thing...

If someone hurts me - no matter how badly - and is truly remorseful, then it's done. There's nothing left needing forgiveness. Because you're right. We f*ck up. We lash out. Most of us are deeply sorry afterwards.

@Shankara, I just remembered something that my marriage counselor told me: The act of forgiving puts all of the responsibility on the injured party, while absolving the offender. I think she would like the way you put it.

 

[Sideways]

I don't really get forgiveness, but that's probably because I don't tend to get angry at people for treating me bad in the first place. I get angry at myself, sure. But them? There's nothing to forgive, because I'm not hanging onto anything that needs letting go of.

So, can you forgive someone if the hurt hasn't healed? Absolutely. Forgiveness, for some people, is one of the stages of recovery. It's a bit like, "This still hurts, I'm still healing, but you're off the hook". The anger at them is only one of the stages of recovery, so you can forgive them and let that anger go, but still (for example) have self-esteem issues etc that need healing.

To that extent, it seems as though for some people, forgiving the person actually makes it easier to work on the other aspects that need healing, so forgiveness aids the recovery process, as opposed to "You're not off the hook till I feel better".

But like I said, personally forgiveness seems pretty bogus. I'd have to actually be p!ssed at them in the first place.

 

[Nevermore]

Funnily enough I havd just had fresh hope on this issue. I have tried really really hard to forgive. I've thought that I have forgiven only to have hot spears of anger and resentment rise up all over again over z simple reminder.
You'll probably think this is crazy / I did a bit too . But I just started doing kundalini yoga and exercises around acceptance. Omg they have really helped me!
If interested, get thd book "the 8 human talents" by gurmurkh. There are exercised to do every day that are really helping me feel more acceptance.
I really want to break my attachment to all that stuff. I think everyone does,
This is really helping me / just passing it on in case it helps anyone else!

 

[Friday]

To me; forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better past, it says absolutely nothing about absolving the present. Which means if something is ongoing? There's nothing to forgive, nothing that can be, as it's not in the past, yet. It's only once the present changes that something can be forgiven.

 

[ladee]

What a f*cked up heavy question to wake up to.
Gotta think on this one.
I forgive you Mal.:rolleyes: