Sufferer Survivor Of Sexual Abuse By Father

[Issy]

Hi everyone, Im new to myptsd, however I am happy to be here. I am at a place in my life where I could really use support from people, who can truly understand and empathize with the hurt and pain that stems from being abused by a parent. I was diagnosed with ptsd about 6 years ago and its been an uphill battle. Somedays are good, some a bit difficult. I suffer from severe noise sensitivity, hypervigilence and social anxiety as a result of ptsd. To make matters worse my dad was released from prison about 2 years ago, and the prison system as well as my mom and a few other family members have deemed him a changed man, his good behaviour, i.e, singing in choir, translating for other prisoners, convinced the authorities to reduce his sentence. I was molested at nine and he was given a 25 year sentence. I am originally from the Bahamas, where the rape occured, and the justice system, especially regarding sexual abuse cases is extremely flawed. I am grateful that I am safe here in the U.S. and far away from my father, however I still struggle with managing my fears and anxiety on a daily basis as I try to come to grip the fact that he is a free man. I have had a hard time accepting and respecting my Mom's wish of having a cordial non sexual long distance relationship with him. She informed me for her sake she feels its something she needed to do, perhaps to be at peace with the situation. There are times, although subtle I feel nudged to forgive and forget and allow my Father into my life, however this is not something I could ever do. The forgiving part is still a work in process, and its more so for me than him, so that I am not carrying around a heavy burden of negative emotions. Forgetting is simply not something I can do at this time, everything hurts so much. The thoughts about it, the actual horrific experience, the betrayal and the shame I still struggle to release, because of what my Father did. Anyhow each day is a beautiful challenge, one step at a time, I am hopeful I will overcome and be the young lady I desire to become.

 

[aphr0ditus]

Hello, friend! Welcome to MyPTSD! I am so sorry you had to go through that. Just know that there are people here that will talk to you and help you with whatever you need! I wish you luck with your recovery and hope that life is kind to you!

 

[Issy]

Hello, friend! Welcome to MyPTSD! I am so sorry you had to go through that. Just know that there are peo...

Thank you @dotbot I really appreciate that. May life be kind to you as well.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

Hello @Issy and welcome! I too have and am continuing to survive from complete dissociative child molestation at the hands of step-father (monster) my sister's memories and I am in emdr therapy and am beginning to realize that I dissociated while bio-father molested me as well. I like you suffer from severe noise sensitivity, hypervigilance, and (no longer drink and use drugs to help me through social situations) struggle in social situations (up in my head a lot). Both of my abusers never saw the inside of a jail cell (dad came close when he punched a KY State Trooper square in face while drunk). He lost his license for a time, and dad's face should be next to the Wikipedia's definition for the term rage. He took out most of his rage out on my little body then as an adolescent, then as a woman.

There was no establishing any type of healthy dialogue and relationship with either of afore-mentioned abusers @Issy; and I'm so glad for you that you have put a lot of physical distance from the Bahamas to the states between you and abuser/father. I would only listen to my gut and only in this instance regarding any contact with your abuser father. Haven't you been through enough because of him? Ask yourself how you feel about having any type of contact with father who set you on the course you're on now? And f*** the prison system, choir director (singin' in the choir), and good behavior! Well, oh my, what a good boy is he? For me, I wouldn't let him get one ocean close enough to me. That's just me Issy.

So glad you found us here and many will share and you will grow (if you choose) and learn about all there is to know about surviving (and some here are even thriving!) while dealing with sexual trauma Issy. I am in emdr therapy, and I will never give up and my abusers will never hurt me again. Huge HUGS if you accept them. Let the healing begin! Yeah! JadesJewel

 

[Issy]

Hello @Issy and welcome! I too have and am continuing to survive from complete di...

Thank you @JadesJewel hugs accepted and hugs given in return :) I have refused to and will continue choosing not to have contact with him. Its ultimately whats best for me, and you're right he has caused alot of pain and problems and I am still trying to cope and recover from what he did, so he does not get a free pass. I have already told my mom when she said he kept saying I need to forgive him and let go, I said I will forgive him when I stop having issues and heartache and pain because of what he did. Its no small task, the forgiving process I have begun is with myself and the healing I need. Thanks for your support, it helps to know Im not alone especially with noise sensitivity issues. Mine are often dismissed if I bring them up to discuss if there is an issue, I feel some may view it as a minimal struggle, it can be distressing along with everything else.

 

[ladee]

Welcome! So Happy you found us.
We not only have abuse in common..but I too am very noise sensitive and have anxiety.
Very few people understand about the noise sensativity.
It will make my PTSD symptoms worse .
I have to isolate if I can, on those days.
High praise for putting distance from your abuser.
And your approach to your recovery is wonderful.
Hope we see you around.
Gentle hugs if you accept

 

[Jo.27]

I am new to this site, too, and just shared part of my story yesterday. The support and love I received from my post made me feel so much better knowing that I'm not alone in my situation, and that others out there know exactly what I'm going through. Just simply talking about it has really helped me. Props to you for coming on here and opening up! It's a good place to start/progress your healing. Regarding your abuser, I feel that you are absolutely doing the right thing by keeping him out of your life. That must be very difficult for you to have your mom and family still interact with that person, knowing what he did to you. You're a stronger person than I am for even being able to talk to your mom since she still talks to him. I don't think I could do that. I do hope that your family understands and accepts your position and doesn't push you to have communication with that man. It's in your best interest not to, and to continue doing self-care to help you heal. Thank you for sharing your story, and I hope you find the support you so need here!

 

[Deleted member 37085]

Thank you @JadesJewel hugs accepted and hugs given in return :) I have refused to and w...

Precious Issy forgiveness and seeing your dad are two totally different acts. Apples and Oranges, precious one. I have forgiven dad (deceased since 2008) and I am still raging over it too. When he was alive I did not know that I was sitting on - being the dissociated sexual trauma (not just the verbal and physical intense trauma he subjected my precious body and mind too). Dad also subjected me too not only covert sexual trauma - also overt sexual trauma - and not until recent emdr sessions - this did just recently begin rearing its ugly head.

Back to you @Issy. Forgiveness you will hear shared is something you do for yourself as you already know, and allowing someone who nearly broke your core being get physically close to you - well that's apples and oranges. And your mom has her own viewpoint, and you two are not joined at the hip in your decision-making. You have the right to just say - No, without explanation to ANYONE. No one has the right to try and push you to do something that you may NEVER (just sayin') never be ready to do regarding the child-molesting father of yours. I wish both my parents had seen the inside of a prison; but there is no justice for me, my baby brother, sister, nor myself. No legal justice, that is. I believe there is a burning hell and I believe in karma. Oh yes, I do!

Again, healing and moving forward in your life - let this be your major focus! For you were not allowed by your dad to grow up in a healthy environment. So, now one second at a time, one minute, etc., you must choose to be the sole focus in your recovery. And as you may know full-on recovery is not a destination for most who have suffered through childhood sexual abuse at the hands of a parent(s). Some do and most do not fully recover due to memories locked away either through dissociation (as in my case) and/or due to being unable to remember due to time factor (length of time passed since trauma took place), and again childhood sex trauma or whether adult sex trauma, dissociation, nightmares only, etc. (This is all in van der kolk's book @Issy).

So, there is a book by Bessel van der kolk - get your hands on this book, as soon as you can. This book which I purchased because it is talked highly about in this forum - is now my other bible on why I go crazy in my mind and (most of the time) feel, act, and process, react, numb out, become hyper-everything, and feel like an alien on an alien planet. I keep this book right next to me at all times now. This book is a must read for anyone who has been sexually traumatized especially by a parent (helps vets as well) and is geared also to the adult sexual abuse in childhood survivor, as well as adult sexual abuse in adulthood survivor. van der kolk is for me is brilliant in his ability (has over 40+ yrs.) to so cleanly and easily explain what is going on in my mind and why post abuse. Hope you will pick up a copy of this book that is for me - life-changing and life-giving and life-framing book @Issy. Baskets full of hearts and hugs for Issy! JadesJewel

 

[Issy]

Welcome! So Happy you found us.
We not only have abuse in common..but I too am very noise sensitive and...

Thank you @ladee I appreciate the kind words and support, thank you for the hugs, gives hugs back.

 

[Issy]

Thank you so much @Jo.27 it absolutely is wonderful having the support and knowing we all have alot in common, and not alone.

 

[Issy]

Thanks for the wise words @JadesJewel much appreciated and thanks for sharing the book info. Gotta check it out

 

[Tricia74]

I'm so sorry you went thru that pain as a child . I was sexually abused throughout my childhood . Age 4 by my uncle ( my brother and me ) which continued until he got caught years later for malesring my cousin and went to prison . Then by my cousins /brothers . Then by my gpa , who I was very close to and died the day following the one time incident . I dissociated with my gpa . It was the hardest on me bc I was so close to him . My sexual abuse has caused severe problems with intimacy for me my entire life . I feel that I have forgiven them all . I just don't know how to stop the impulsive behaviors that I learned for years . I equate pain with pleasure .. hurt with love . It's something I try to stop but it's very hard and old patterns always come back and I find myself once again at step one . Sometimes I wonder if it will ever end . I was diagnosed with PTSD 20 years ago but think I've had it most of my childhood . I remember waking up screaming every night and anxiety attack and night terrors as a child as well . Fear has been a huge part of my life . I have the hardest time with the healing my " subconscious " part of my mind . Bc I feel like it's trying to drive a car missing it's engine . Like I lost a part of me and I don't know how to feel any other way besides what I was taught . I know somehow it's there bc I left the ones who hurt me . But now I feel I can't stay with it long . It's like trying to stay away from a drug I feel evebtho I have never even used drugs . Kinda like when I was messed with I felt it hurt me but it was by people who loved me . So I don't know any other way . We are conditioned . I'm not saying it's impossible to change our wiring but it is very very hard . I hope that things are easier for you , and I'm sorry you are hurting . It's so nice to have a place to just be myself without hiding anything and feeling safe . This place is nice .