Forgiveness And Grudges - Opinions, Please?

[FireSign8]

I learned how to forgive myself. Everyone else is on their own!

 

[Recovery4Me]

I learned how to forgive myself.

^^^ That is crux for me and took a long time to learn. Forgiveness for me started with forgiving myself for being an victim. Everything else fell in place after that. Self compassion came easier, the inner critic slowed down and I learned to let go (which is different than forgetting) of some major components that were never in my control. Shame, guilt rolled away and I got my life somewhat back.

I still have diagnosed Sever PTSD but I am not consumed with their poison or my anger.

 

[ladee]

Thank you @Recovery4Me ,i have been trying all day to think how to share about forgiveness.
What R4M said better then I would have.
Forgiving myself by doing the work to no longer be a victim.past, present or future. Still a work in progress.

 

[VioletButterfly]

To that extent, it seems as though for some people, forgiving the person actually makes it easier to work on the other aspects that need healing, so forgiveness aids the recovery process, as opposed to "You're not off the hook till I feel better".

To me; forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better past, it says absolutely nothing about absolving the present. Which means if something is ongoing? There's nothing to forgive, nothing that can be, as it's not in the past, yet. It's only once the present changes that something can be forgiven.

^^^ That is crux for me and took a long time to learn. Forgiveness for me started with forgiving myself for being an victim. Everything else fell in place after that. Self compassion came easier, the inner critic slowed down and I learned to let go (which is different than forgetting) of some major components that were never in my control. Shame, Guilt rolled away and I got my life somewhat back.

I still have diagnosed Sever PTSD but I am not consumed with their poison or my anger.

I'd agree with what has been captured above. Just adding my spin, now. Forgiving others is something that comes easier for me than forgiving myself. To me, forgiving someone means that I no longer give them real estate in my soul. Why carry around anger for past deeds? It happened, they mis-stepped, I forgive them for my own well-being. Forgetting and/or deciding to continue a relationship with that person is another story. If continuing a relationship would be harmful, then cutting them loose seems prudent. Life is too short and way too complicated to have extra drama on board.

This is stickier when it comes to family. I'm dealing with a whole lot of this right now. I am still forgiving my mom every day even though she has passed away because caring for her has caused a great deal of damage to me that I'm still paying a price for. My sister - I forgive her every day as well for what she says and does that makes a complicated life even more complicated. I will not let her shut me down though - I won't allow her to have that power over me. I won't let her poison my life though, there is a higher power that will deal with her. Trying to keep my mind in the land of gratitude and grace as much as possible until I can step away from her.

The most difficult forgiveness issue right now concerns my dad. It's complicated. He's broken my trust, been selfish and childish, and abandoned me and put me in jeopardy time and again. The latest occurred around my mom's funeral. I haven't reconciled this yet as it seems to be a last straw predicament. I've had some time, but need more without him contacting me. If he keeps pressing, I may have to draw a line and walk away without an explanation. I'm very sad, but also very resolute. A lot to weigh and consider. I'm just sad as I remember being a little one, getting ice cream, going to play miniature golf, playing crazy eights, etc... Yep, a lot of work.

At the end of the day, it seems forgiveness is about freeing your soul of anger, resentment and hurt brought on by perceived and/or real harm done by others or yourself, or even life circumstances/living in the World. Holding onto these negative emotions only hurts you. It's like giving the other person poison (in your mind), but really taking it into your body. It takes a good deal of reframing and thoughtful consideration, but you have to take care of yourself and advocate for the best outcome for you. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, although you don't want these memories looping on a reel in your mind either. It does mean learning lessons, and setting and maintaining healthy boundaries so that you can live a life.

Forgiveness of myself is the most difficult issue I still work on every day. A lot of reflection, reframing, mindfulness, practicing, advocating, and compassion.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I don't know if I'm alone in feeling this way,

Not at all!

So, I advise people that I never hold grudges. And in the way I understand grudges, I don't.

For an example, say you did something horrible to me. Said something, did something that really, REALLY hurt me. Then say the next day (or even the next min as I have done this that soon of being that hurt by someone) you ask to borrow money or for a ride or anything, even if I really can't, I will give you money or take you where ever and not ask for gas money, etc.

That is lack of boundries but I don't stop talking to you or any of that.

BUT, for as long as I am hurt by what you did and even longer if you don't see that you hurt me and/or wronged me and didn't appologize or make it right and even more so if you keep on about it or keep hurting me, I will always have this running dialog about you in my head. It could be that you are such a bitch or it could be that you were right and I am a horrible person or whatever. I rumminate about it for however long I am hurt for. And that has been years for many of my family members. But any of them ask me for help and I will drop everything and run to help.

So maybe that is still holding a grudge. I don't know. It has dictated the way I have interacted with some. Whether that is walking on eggshells or being a bit harsher and rougher. I don't call it a grudge, I call it being hurt and never been made right with.

If the person rights their wrong with me it will stop. If not, I can work it out but that takes time. Some times days and other times years and other times unknown as its still going on.

But thats me. I dont call it a grudge. I could be dead wrong. But whatever.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

@lostforgottensoul I'm with you, sister. :hug:

 

[joeylittle]

So maybe that is still holding a grudge. I don't know. It has dictated the way I have interacted with some. Whether that is walking on eggshells or being a bit harsher and rougher. I don't call it a grudge, I call it being hurt and never been made right with.

I'd call that a grudge; I don't know that all grudges are bad, except in that they can cause the individual holding them to suffer.

The hurt can be legitimately felt; still, the person holding the grudge is carrying around some residual pain that can only be made right (for them) by the actions of someone else. And, as we all know, expecting others to act in the way we need them to act doesn't work - even if what we want them to do is really very simple, and a whole roomful of people would agree that they should do it.

In my own experience, people who have been hurt and are holding a grudge end up suffering (sometimes more than the original hurt), and often allow the hurt to grow, so that there's actually no way the person who is being 'grudged' against could ever make things right, ever again.

I have a few grudges, and they are old, and very deep, and I know full well that I suffer from them - not the person who instigated them. They would never know that I have the grudge. I'm suffering. They aren't. The best course would be for me to confront the issue with them, not so I can get them to apologize, but in the hopes that expressing how the event has affected me will help me release it.

Or, to learn to leave the past in the past. I know that would help me too.

 

[mamachick]

@joeylittle-I don't usually give advice but I would think very hard before confronting the issue with persons you have a grudge with. I know you say you wouldn't expect an apology but you could express the way in which they affected you. In doing so, you may be expecting them to respond in a particular manner which you may never get. What I have seen to be very healing is to write a letter to the person (but never sending). Being very specific about their behavior and its effects. Then critiquing it repeatedly. It often becomes condensed and less significant. You are so right about the hurt of carry a grudge. Its like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

I seem to forgive...or forget too easily...then history repeats itself. Somewhere I keep score or a tally though, and it would not come up again if the same thing was not repeated and the wounds get deeper. I am angrier at myself for letting it happen again. When I have stayed away from toxic people I don't feel this way. That means pretty much no family contact, something I need to accept.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

The best course would be for me to confront the issue with them, not so I can get them to apologize, but in the hopes that expressing how the event has affected me will help me release it.

Best but not something doable with my family.

Honestly, the more I think about it, the more I think the interactions that I have had with my family (trying to approach a topic for really me to be right with them, MANY times over. Like, I am talking about at least 20 times where I legitimatlly wanted to just make us right again) to make us ok again and the repeated over and over failed attempts. With the ones that mean the most to me. I think that, being about 4 ish years, shaped how I approach the topic today. I completely know I am hurting and they have no idea. But its a "why bother? They will never square with me." Its just this 'I've tried every thing I possibly can and I just don't have anything left' feeling. And I also get, say, you aren't them but its almost, I think, shaped, at least some, of how I approach the topic at all. In general.

I don't know. It's sort of a forgiveness topic where its for you not them and its all very confusing. But I have not yet met one person that has tried harder to square with people that just won't budge. And those are deep, and old. They are my family and nothing hurts worse then that I don't think. Other then a spouse maybe.

I get its a 'kinda grudge'. I know, you aren't a little bit pregnant. But its just not the typical one you would come across I don't think.

Anyway, I am a hardened clay project or something. A work in process. Still cooking. Whatever you want to call healing and changing lol.

 

[joeylittle]

I would think very hard before confronting the issue with persons you have a grudge with.

I don't necessarily disagree. I can easier speak to it from the other side of the fence - there have been a few times in my life when people who have held grudges against me have wanted to address it, and it's generally been an OK experience for me to be able to sit and listen and take in what they are saying. So, I don't know that 'confront' would be the right description....more like 'tell'.

And I wouldn't recommend it without having already done a fair amount of work around it. Because you're right, the emotional state being heightened can so easily lead to unfair or unrealistic expectations of what they should do, or should say.

 

[Suzetig]

In all honesty I don't really do forgiveness for the bigger stuff that happened to me. I can accept that people chose to hurt me for their own reasons and that while I can make educated guesses about what those reasons were, it doesn't change the injury caused to me.

I'm entitled to my feelings about that injury, whether that's anger, or wariness, or disappointment and I can choose what if any level of engagement I have with them. That may change over time or not but I don't need to feel bad about doing what I need in my relationships to handle my hurt and I don't need to make people feel better about what they've done.

Acceptance feels more consistent for me than forgiveness.

 

[Rani G2]

I agree. How can you forgive when the wounds are raw? Forgiveness is supposed to be about letting go, but what if the offense isn't ready to let go of you?

By saying this, there is a slight hint hidden which says, well “you have no choice, no self efficacy“ but thats not what I mean. For me, authenticity means a lot, i find that anything which is being imposed on me from the outside, that says, “for healing you have to go on this road“is of no use, when my emotions go against them. Its not about repression, about not facing a conflict, not wanting to deal with them. Its about being truly honest, to myself. If I feel, I feel I want to articulate it to my own self. There is no healing for me in “Oh I think I should finally learn to see it this or that way“. Emotions always come in their truest forms. The more I do the more they crack open.