Elysium Lotus
New Here
This is my first post (obviously I'm sure) and I don't know how I'll feel once I post it. I have a very strong belief in not talking about this with others, as it can be hurtful. I've sort of always been in therapy, terrible most times, but they're different. I'm paying them to touch the ink on my form and be stained by my stories, you do not get anything from this, and for that I'm sorry.
I'm turning 21 this month, although I've been older for years. I know that sounds ignorant, but I haven't connected with my age since childhood. It's something my body holds onto that just doesn't translate.
I can't remember anything in certain years of my childhood. What I do remember are sensations, or nightmares. Memories become more constant at around age 11, when I first began self harm. I don't know how it came to me, but I was feeling that "feeling" on my chest again, the one that made me feel guilty and scared, like I was a monster. Like looking at me hurt. I got it when someone older showed me affection, or I was being stared at. It disgusted me, any sort of affection I didn't instigate. I dragged nail clippers over my skin and that was it, the first time. I am 21 and I am just now a quitter of self harm, it lasted ten years. For some reason psychical pain always brought me to an equilibrium of nothing. Dissociation.
Years passed, I started sexual acts with other kids very young, I grew up to be a lesbian but as a child it didn't really matter what you had. I was volatile, angry even, I isolated myself and only left my shell to start arguments or help other sad or isolated kids. I really liked people, I just didn't trust them. When I was a teenager I was assaulted several times by partners, I confused their intensity for depth, apparently. All through this time I would have that bad feeling, and it lead to nightmares, even bits if memory from my childhood. I noticed that when pain came I knew exactly what to do and where to send myself so I wouldn't feel it. One moment I remember would be at a party with friends(in high school I developed a few I still have now) and then someone would make a remark that he would rape someone. The next thing I know I am behind a pane of glass watching myself storm over and push this guy into the couch, choking him and slamming my fist into his face. Five minutes later I remember my friend pulling me off him in tears afraid that I'd kill him, and I'm exhausted, feeling cruel and yet proud at the fear. A part of myself assured he'd remember that next time he threatened to rape a girl. I was always the protector on my group, because one part of me mourned everyone's suffering, and the other part did something to fix it(not always violent ofcourse). I just attributed this to my personality, but it got more evident.
Around age 16 I was aware that I had been sexually abused as a child. I was smart, I knew what the signs meant. My drunk abusive narcissistic mother (genuine narcissism) had spent my childhood chasing abusive men and it wasn't much of a stretch to imagine. The problem was that I couldn't remember. I would have flash backs that were sensation based and I could FEEL it I just couldn't see it. I had memories around it such as sexually explicit fantasies at age 5 that I had no basis for, or the fact that I saw other girls at my daycare being naked in the bathroom with adults, I even had stories about the daycare being investigated for child abuse. But no solid memories. I started to feel like that just didn't make sense, that surely I would remember.
After months of no leads I decided it can't be real, I'm just some sick twisted creep. My mom had alot to do with that, gaslighting in majority. Years pass and I leave my abusive home, I thrive on my own, I have beautiful partners and meaningful sex life, and I can't even remember most of my teen years. As if every time I thought about my childhood is wiped out. But the symptoms persist.
I'm dissociated more than I'm here.
I don't recognize my body.
Sex becomes a mindfeild of tears and body spasms that make me scream and cry and push my partner so far from me I hurt myself in the process.
Psychical pain becomes home. I don't notice bruises or cuts, anything in dead zones is forgotten.
My dissociative state becomes more me than me. " And she protects me. I mean I do. Don't I? " was my daily struggle.
And now I'm at the part where one of my partners rapes me. I'm 19, putting up with zero abuse, dtermined to never get hurt by anyone again... and she forces me. I am small and alone and a slave to her whims and as she finally sleeps I lay there disgusted. In shock. Bleeding and bruised. Angry at myself for being so fragile. For letting myself be in this situation! How could I have let it happen? Have I not changed at all?
Just like... yeah. Just like when I was a kid.
I realized it was real, and had always been. That little miss boo boo badass was really just a victim. A small little girl who had monsters in her closet. It took a while to like myself again, forgive myself, love my fragility. Let the protective part of me love her too, as she must have always done.
Since then I have struggled to find my lost memories, convince my psyche that I'm ready for them. I just want to get it over with, I want to stop feeling crazy, I want to combine the little kid who loves everyone and everything(the one that checks out when pain or stress comes) with the adult who grew up with monsters(the one who stayed and took the abuse). I don't have two personalities, they're both parts of me as a whole, but I don't know how to combine them without the memories. Without mourning. Without letting out the poison. I love them both... I want to be purple not just blue today and red tomorrow if it's sunny out and no one gets hurt.
And last but not least...
I want to put that bastard away for good. Whoever they are.
Because I swear I would rather suffer a thousand times then watch anyone else suffer because I couldn't lock them away. I need to remember, I need to protect people like me, and if I know any of his victims after me are my fault.
The statute of limitations is coming up.
Tick tock.
If anything good came of me being assaulted, it would be to spare others pain. And I'm failing.
Sometimes it feels like I was born to feel pain, I'm just so good at handling it. I've taken years to learn that isn't the best thing about me. The best thing about me is my ability to feel so deeply, you should be terrified to hurt those I love.
And for everyone, everyone who's experienced this?
"I am angry for you. And one day you will learn to be angry for someone too."
Those are the words that have gotten me through posting this. Because I deserve to say my peice, and you deserve to as well. If you're scrolling this website and want to post? Just do it. I did, and as scary as this is, it feels so good to say it all finally. To drain the wound.
With love,
A survivor
I'm turning 21 this month, although I've been older for years. I know that sounds ignorant, but I haven't connected with my age since childhood. It's something my body holds onto that just doesn't translate.
I can't remember anything in certain years of my childhood. What I do remember are sensations, or nightmares. Memories become more constant at around age 11, when I first began self harm. I don't know how it came to me, but I was feeling that "feeling" on my chest again, the one that made me feel guilty and scared, like I was a monster. Like looking at me hurt. I got it when someone older showed me affection, or I was being stared at. It disgusted me, any sort of affection I didn't instigate. I dragged nail clippers over my skin and that was it, the first time. I am 21 and I am just now a quitter of self harm, it lasted ten years. For some reason psychical pain always brought me to an equilibrium of nothing. Dissociation.
Years passed, I started sexual acts with other kids very young, I grew up to be a lesbian but as a child it didn't really matter what you had. I was volatile, angry even, I isolated myself and only left my shell to start arguments or help other sad or isolated kids. I really liked people, I just didn't trust them. When I was a teenager I was assaulted several times by partners, I confused their intensity for depth, apparently. All through this time I would have that bad feeling, and it lead to nightmares, even bits if memory from my childhood. I noticed that when pain came I knew exactly what to do and where to send myself so I wouldn't feel it. One moment I remember would be at a party with friends(in high school I developed a few I still have now) and then someone would make a remark that he would rape someone. The next thing I know I am behind a pane of glass watching myself storm over and push this guy into the couch, choking him and slamming my fist into his face. Five minutes later I remember my friend pulling me off him in tears afraid that I'd kill him, and I'm exhausted, feeling cruel and yet proud at the fear. A part of myself assured he'd remember that next time he threatened to rape a girl. I was always the protector on my group, because one part of me mourned everyone's suffering, and the other part did something to fix it(not always violent ofcourse). I just attributed this to my personality, but it got more evident.
Around age 16 I was aware that I had been sexually abused as a child. I was smart, I knew what the signs meant. My drunk abusive narcissistic mother (genuine narcissism) had spent my childhood chasing abusive men and it wasn't much of a stretch to imagine. The problem was that I couldn't remember. I would have flash backs that were sensation based and I could FEEL it I just couldn't see it. I had memories around it such as sexually explicit fantasies at age 5 that I had no basis for, or the fact that I saw other girls at my daycare being naked in the bathroom with adults, I even had stories about the daycare being investigated for child abuse. But no solid memories. I started to feel like that just didn't make sense, that surely I would remember.
After months of no leads I decided it can't be real, I'm just some sick twisted creep. My mom had alot to do with that, gaslighting in majority. Years pass and I leave my abusive home, I thrive on my own, I have beautiful partners and meaningful sex life, and I can't even remember most of my teen years. As if every time I thought about my childhood is wiped out. But the symptoms persist.
I'm dissociated more than I'm here.
I don't recognize my body.
Sex becomes a mindfeild of tears and body spasms that make me scream and cry and push my partner so far from me I hurt myself in the process.
Psychical pain becomes home. I don't notice bruises or cuts, anything in dead zones is forgotten.
My dissociative state becomes more me than me. " And she protects me. I mean I do. Don't I? " was my daily struggle.
And now I'm at the part where one of my partners rapes me. I'm 19, putting up with zero abuse, dtermined to never get hurt by anyone again... and she forces me. I am small and alone and a slave to her whims and as she finally sleeps I lay there disgusted. In shock. Bleeding and bruised. Angry at myself for being so fragile. For letting myself be in this situation! How could I have let it happen? Have I not changed at all?
Just like... yeah. Just like when I was a kid.
I realized it was real, and had always been. That little miss boo boo badass was really just a victim. A small little girl who had monsters in her closet. It took a while to like myself again, forgive myself, love my fragility. Let the protective part of me love her too, as she must have always done.
Since then I have struggled to find my lost memories, convince my psyche that I'm ready for them. I just want to get it over with, I want to stop feeling crazy, I want to combine the little kid who loves everyone and everything(the one that checks out when pain or stress comes) with the adult who grew up with monsters(the one who stayed and took the abuse). I don't have two personalities, they're both parts of me as a whole, but I don't know how to combine them without the memories. Without mourning. Without letting out the poison. I love them both... I want to be purple not just blue today and red tomorrow if it's sunny out and no one gets hurt.
And last but not least...
I want to put that bastard away for good. Whoever they are.
Because I swear I would rather suffer a thousand times then watch anyone else suffer because I couldn't lock them away. I need to remember, I need to protect people like me, and if I know any of his victims after me are my fault.
The statute of limitations is coming up.
Tick tock.
If anything good came of me being assaulted, it would be to spare others pain. And I'm failing.
Sometimes it feels like I was born to feel pain, I'm just so good at handling it. I've taken years to learn that isn't the best thing about me. The best thing about me is my ability to feel so deeply, you should be terrified to hurt those I love.
And for everyone, everyone who's experienced this?
"I am angry for you. And one day you will learn to be angry for someone too."
Those are the words that have gotten me through posting this. Because I deserve to say my peice, and you deserve to as well. If you're scrolling this website and want to post? Just do it. I did, and as scary as this is, it feels so good to say it all finally. To drain the wound.
With love,
A survivor
