Not sure what this is exactly, but i can finally explain it.

[Roslie22]

Hi everyone.

Even though I've experienced the below for years, it's taken me this long to sort of holistically realise it and put it into words.

I find that when I am alone (even though I enjoy being along at times and am very independent ) or not a lot of distractions, in my mind I plunge into lots of negative thinking or depressive feelings. Sometimes so much i get distracted from what is around me (let's say walking in a city ) Sometimes the thoughts are fast and overwhelming, sometimes they are gradual. But then they suddenly/quickly dissappears when let's say someone starts talking to me, or i am distracted, and I then sometimes forget how bad I felt just a few minutes ago. Like nothing happened. Even in the past when I had therapy , by the time I walked into the room I forgot about how I was just feeling or how over the top the thoughts were. So I didn't even have the possibility to tell my own therapist then and there.

Sometimes these thoughts relate to let's say, people I'm living with *non family*, the 'thoughts' telling me how bad they think of me etc. But yet I'm only affected by the thoughts before the 'distractor/event' not after. But mostly the thoughts relate to me feeling 'broken' or criticising . Even though nobody would suspect this from me.

I don't know if this is directly from ptsd, relating to those thoughts being echos of how I was treated growing up (NPD mother), or if I have tendencies for depression and anxiety or if this even a common thing for others?

I feel like I can't stay in the present moment sometimes and I'm missing out on feeling things I should be.
It was suggested twice I go on an antidepressant but I tend to have a lot of side effects for even simple medications so I can imagine I would have trouble.
I don't know how to combat it and I do feel a broken just by having this issue.

If anybody else has any input or ideas or their own experience I would love to hear it


Thank you

 

[Ronin]

I'm happy for you for productive realizations & eloquent wording of them :)

 

[Isobel Wolf]

Yes that running dialogue sometimes takes on the voice of someone who has criticized or put me down. Takes you out of the moment. It's good though you recognize them as over the top- that's a CBT strategy. CBT they say doesn't work long term but there are some useful strategies in it.

If you're a reader and haven't heard of these before, all have been helpful to me

Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David Burns is the CBT bible. There's a handbook that goes with it also that teaches you how check the chatter and "cognitive distortions"

Capture: Unraveling the Mystery of Mental Suffering helped me understand what my brain was doing to me, to everyone that gets trapped in the unreal world the mind creates

And of course mindfulness meditation can help you stay present.
Buddhas Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love and Wisdom

 

[Roslie22]

I'm happy for you for productive realizations & eloquent wording of them :)

Oh thank you! Thats quite nice of you to say :)

 

[Roslie22]

Yes that running dialogue sometimes takes on the voice of someone who has criticized or put me down...

Thankyou very much for your answer and reading recommendations! I was wondering where I could read more about it and now I have a clue!
:)

 

[ChandraD]

Hi everyone.

Even though I've experienced the below for years, it's taken me this long to sort of hol...

. Are you familiar with emotional flashbacks? If not, look it up. We are catapulted back into a previous time emotionally. One of the characteristics is an extreme self-critic. Distraction brings us back to the present. The trigger could be being alone, especially if you were neglected this way in childhood. I don't know if that helps or fits. I have a book that explains it really well. Let me know if you want information.

 

[Roslie22]

. Are you familiar with emotional flashbacks? If not, look it up. We are catapulted back into a prev...

Hi There Chandra, thankyou for your post,

Yep, unfortunately am very familiar with this. but I wasn't aware that the "inner self critic" was part of the ptsd, rather some other issue occurring concurrently . Its strange, because I am known (and I know) to be very independent, have no trouble travelling around the world, etc. but I am captured by this. I think I am just constantly reminded every day about how I am not like others ( one e.g I have severe dietary restrictions for due to past trauma), and when im alone this is highlighted.

Of course id love to know the name of the book! I am looking to read up on this all.

 

[Freedomfighter]

Hi everyone.

Even though I've experienced the below for years, it's taken me this long to sort of hol...

I actually think that our minds travel faster at times and then slower at times. When PTSD is involved then these kind of symptoms are exacerbated.

Your thinking reminds me also of victim thinking: I often will be mistreated but I am unable to stay mad for a long time, my brain wants to move forward, not backwards. My ability to do this though has been terribly misused by ill meaning people.

You just go through different emotions throughout the day, and I too find myself lingering within bad or good memories. I don't think medicine is necessary unless you can not escape the bad emotions.

I have had the problem of repeatedly addressing trauma situations, which of course is one of the essential symptoms of PTSD, I am thinking that might also be one of your challenges.....

I also know that I was placed into intense training, o.k. super intensive training, every day for the past 7 years to overcome this and to correctly adapt my thinking to such challenges.

Never had I had such rigorous mental training before, gotta say, it can leave you breathless, but it gets you out of that fatal in a circle thinking too.

Never thought that could be that difficult.

 

[ChandraD]

Hi There Chandra, thankyou for your post,

Yep, unfortunately am very familiar with this. but I wasn't...

It's Complex PTSD by Pete Walker. I bought it on Amazon.

 

[Roslie22]

I actually think that our minds travel faster at times and then slower at times. When PTSD is in...

Hey there @Freedomfighter, great name !
I agree with the most part of the victim thinking type. Somehow I'm both, very angry and not angry enough at the same time ..

Yeah... regarding the medication I think so too. Every time I considered it, soon after I started to suddenly improve or go back in the right direction.

I see .. It definitely is one of my problems, for a long time the only thing I felt I could do was just try to ignore it and let time heal, but when one experienced recent traumas that doesn't really work...

I'm so glad you had that opourtunity for training and you got out of that 'fatal circle of thinking' . That's very very important , I kind of go in and out of this and it's not good, I have to stop shaming myself for it too.

It's Complex PTSD by Pete Walker. I bought it on Amazon.

Thank you @ChandraD! I was reading his website earlier and his ideas sound very very good.. again something which I couldn't put into words before..

 

[watundah]

Yes, the inner critic is common w PTSD. Working on my self esteem made that sucker shut up.

 

[Ally2016]

Hi everyone.

Even though I've experienced the below for years, it's taken me this long to sort of hol...

If you are not sure about antidepressants, don't until you are sure. It's your body your the one who will experience the side effects. To a degree I think that most people in my opinion suffer from this internal dialogue you have described. I know I have. Mindfulness meditation and DBT is really helpful I have found in combating that negative internal dialogue. Dbt self help and Mindfulness you can google as well. It has made such a significant difference for me so I hope you find the help you need. All the best. They also have mindfulness apps if you have an iPhone - one I use is called headspace, website headspace For some reason I can't include the proper internet addresses sorry