Relationship Signs A Spouse Is Exaggerating Ptsd

[Isobel Wolf]

Whether or not it's the PTSD, he's not present in the relationship. If he's not interested in being present, it's certainly not your fault.
Blaming you, withholding affection, saying PTSD is making him act that way... I don't know. It sounds exactly like my ex when he was having multiple affairs. Literally I could not touch him, no backrubs, couldn't initiate sex, then he'd tell me it was something I did, which he knew would make me jump though hoops to be the fixer/people pleaser/overinvestor- anything to shift the blame away from him and control me and my self-esteem through gaslighting and neglect. He liked to say things like, oh, I had to drive around til 4am because I didn't want to deal with me (wanting to know what was going on, why he was absent, basically feeling sad and having needs.) But he was sweet as pie to our pets. They won't let you call them out on it. There will always be an excuse when you live together and parting ways is not an option. His excuse was his Crohn's disease, but there were lots and lots of women. Illness is a very fast way to stonewall. His diagnosis in his youth was sociopath, which he was proud of. I didn't take it seriously, I was naive. Today we'd call it NPD.

You can only blame one person so much while you are still there, dealing with it.

Oh, also he worked in law enforcement. A career that breeds misogyny, kills compassion. He was involved in one armed standoff when we were together, no shots fired, and he MILKED it for years. Recently saw that he was still milking it. Not because of PTSD, but because of his need for absolute power. Yet my emotions made me "an emotional tyrant." All I wanted was to know what was going on. I should have cashed in my chips instead of sticking around hoping I could fix him.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I explode, blindly. Have no idea what I am saying or doing until its over....only on my dad and step mom because they trigger me, badly. At my job I am "normal" as I compartmentalize and put it all in mental boxes and numb them away. I am numb at work usually. I have no control over that. When I numb, what, and how much. I also cannot control my explosions but only feel it a second or two ahead. I was taught to feel it. Its anxiety skyrocketing from zero to hundred in a split second. I normally cannot get away fast enough as they fight with me which makes it worse or follows me. But yes, I can go off on just two people and treat others "normally".

What I dont do is say i have PTSD so its ok. Its not ok. I do advise why i explode. PTSD is the reason but not an excuse. There is no excuse. When its over and i have had a chance to calm the anxiety and become rational again i can and do appologize.

Is he exaggerating it? I dont know but I think its dangerous to say someone is exaggerating mental health disorders. If i had kids i wouldnt explode on them or around them as they are my kids and i want to love them and give them a good childhood but if one person triggered me id be going off on them only, making look selective when its not. But again, I dont excuse it.

 

[ShanaK]

I explode, blindly. Have no idea what I am saying or doing until its over....only on my dad...

@lostforgottensoul I think that speaks volumes that are able and do apologize after a blow up when you feel you need to. My husband never apologizes. He just says it's me. I don't want anyone to think I voice to my husband I think he is exaggerating. I absolutely would not say that to him. But like today, I hated to do it but I was going through bank statements to try and figure out where our money is disappearing to. He won't let me have anything to do with the account or asking questions. So I asked some questions about some money taken out. Well he said I was just wanting to fight and he handles the checkbook and I was just accusing him of something and trying to start something. Then he throws back to tje days when he wouldn't help me at all with keeping up with the checkbook and bills when i had 3 babies at once. He says i kept it from him and he never knew what was going on. He says now its his turn. Its all a bunch of deflection and pulling stuff out of the air. I cant fathom his thinking. And no im not tryijg to. But this is our main household money. And something is going on. But that's fine. I decided I will start my own account with my part time pay and I'll have complete say over that. But that's just an example of not being able to ask or know about anything.

 

[BlueOrange]

A true PTSD 'trigger' so to speak would be an issue with everyone, not just one person.

Not necessarily- a trigger can be specific to a class of people. And 'wife' is a class of person. It doesn't justify the behaviour, and it doesn't mean that the behaviour can be tolerated. It does mean that PTSD is a potentially valid explanation.

That said...

What he lied to the psyche doc about was he told her he gets up at night smelling smoke and checks the house.

Presenting fabrications to your psych/therapist is a Very Bad Thing. It prevents any progress from being made, and in the context you've provided, it might constitute the crime of fraud / obtaining money by deception. Get legal advice regarding your potential exposure as an accessory to a crime, and make sure you have protected yourself.

Ask yourself whether you can afford to trust this person, and get clear, unemotional advice about the other risks of your situation and how you can protect yourself. (Lying about this stuff is definitely a dealbreaker for me, as reflected in the tone of my advice. But I don't really know him, and I don't really know you - make your own decision.)

 

[ShanaK]

Not necessarily- a trigger can be specific to a class of people. And 'wife' is a class of person. It...

@BlueOrange I do believe he has ptsd. But I don't believe it is as bad as he says. I just asked him about getting up and smelling smoke...asked why it was on the report and he said "Well yeah I did one time". Not sure I believe that. He knows I'm upset over things that have happened in the last couple of days and he knows I'm checking up on him. So he is being very nice. But as soon as I act OK he will go back to the stay 20' away from me attitude and don't cause trouble.

 

[BlueOrange]

@BlueOrange I do believe he has ptsd. But I don't believe it is as bad as he says. I...

OK, so it sounds like there is reasonable doubt, and he shouldn't be treated like a criminal. That's a relief.

It's normal for a PTSD sufferer to avoid therapy, but I wouldn't negotiate on whether he goes or not. You're right, improvements won't last without therapy.

 

[Friday]

If you have PTSD can you be completely fine to your kids and others but completely detached and almost emotionally abusive to your wife?? I

Yep.

I have never once in my life exploded on my own, or anyone else's, kids. No matter how I'm feeling? No matter how otherwise out of control I am? I will lock everything away, indefinitely, as long as there are kids around.

Adults? Totally different matter, there.

Also, if I'm exerting extreme self control & overriding discipline to be around kids? The adults around are going to catch it by about x10 the moment the kids are not around anymore. Very much like a shaken soda bottle. I can cap shit... For awhile... But sooner or later the pressure is going to vent. The longer I've kept shit capped? The more I've shaken shit? The worse it's going to be. I am exceptionally careful to clear my backblast area of short people. Adults? Can move their own darn selves.

The PTSD Cup - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Explained <<< This might help explain that a bit. Especially if he's a combat vet. And it sounds like it, if he was doing the drug runner thing. About 1/3 of my combat exp was cartel based. Loved the f*cking coast guard, though we flipped them hella shit. They could seriously handle themselves in close quarters. And Cutters? OMFG. Talk about modern day pirate hunters, straight outta hell. :sneaky: Give me a few coasties on a cutter over a big damn navy ship any day. They had serious balls. I loved joint ops with coasties. You could trust them to actually handle whatever you threw at them. And they shifted gears, worked with multiple ROEs, on a dime. SAR, humanitarian, police, unleash hell, even in the middle of the same OP, without batting an eye. Great guys. Anyhow, point being; There seems to be a level of self control possible with vets that isn't possible with victim-trauma. Our cups don't tend to overflow. They cap. And then bust open.

 

[ShanaK]

Sometime

Yep.

I have never once in my life exploded on my own, or anyone else's, kids. No matter how I'm feeling...

Sometimes I wish other people would push a button or two on him. It is very isolating for no one else to have a clue except for a few who see the way he treats me now. And I feel like he knows it's just me and that not a lot of other people know so there isn't really any pressure to get therapy. Make sense? Above all he wants his good reputation in tact and unscarred. But he has always been that way about that.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Very much like a shaken soda bottle. I can cap shit... For awhile... But sooner or later the pressure is going to vent. The longer I've kept shit capped? The more I've shaken shit? The worse it's going to be.

YES! A THOUSAND TIMES YES!!!!

It's why I get onto my dad from stopping me from venting. "Just let it go" he says. I have to let it out or it will come out on its own later and it will be completely and totally f*cking ugly!

 

[ShanaK]

YES! A THOUSAND TIMES YES!!!!

It's why I get onto my dad from stopping me from venting. "J...

My husband never explodes exactly...it's like he just says really mean things or really cold things. There isn't ever a lot of blowups and stuff like that. If I try to tell him something, ask about something or set a boundary then that's when he says stuff he says. But he doesn't blow up. Get mad yeah. If I kept on asking and kept on he might loose his temper.

 

[Snowflakes]

@ShanaK You know, I have refrained from posting but I'm going to anyway. I'm also going to hope and pray that you can tell from all my posts that I am not a mean nor negative person. But I'm going to tell you what I think because I really dislike the way you are being treated.

I'll accept your husband has PTSD and many of the symptoms you describe can be attributed to his illness; however, the title of your thread makes you feel that he is using his illness as an excuse to mistreat you. I tend to believe there very well may be some validity to your suspicions. I also think you should follow your intuition because, while all of us here may have experiences similar to you....you have been the one living with your husband all these years so you know him the best.

If you took PTSD out of your post, it looks a lot like a man going through a midlife crisis. If you took PTSD out of your post, it looks like a control issue. You say he was recently awarded a VA service connected disability rating? Unlike SSDI, the VA pays by a percentage. It is known by veterans themselves that some (always a few bad apples in any honorable group) will "game" the system to increase their rating percentage and thereby increase their compensation payment. Doing so "looks" a lot like the title of your thread.

The point being of my post here is I am not accusing your husband of anything....I don't know him. I'm just saying that you know him, you have a suspicion, and after reading your posts....I tend to agree with you.

 

[Beaglefan61]

hard to talk, but not sure what never apologize has to do with PTSD. most of us when having any symptom cause problems feel horrible or if symptoms go into anything near psychosis or into it because we get battered down by our symptoms we feel all the more rotten for how we were. good luck with things there. not sure if can help much but to say not apologize has nothing at all do with ptsd.