Jealous Of My Inner Child

[Thinkbig]

I never knew how to love myself. So when I when I met someone who started to show me love and maternal stability my whole world started to open up. It was like being able to breath for the first time. She has become my safe place.

Visualization has always been easy for me. For the first time I actually have someone I trust in real life that I can visualize bringing healing to my inner child. I actually feel safe enough to become that three year old child that wants nothing more than to crawl into someone's arms and feel protected.

But somehow the adult part of me started to get angry this week. Or jealous. It's like that child is getting all the love and attention that I never got! I want to integrate and allow the comfort that my inner child is receiving to become internalized for every part of me but I'm not sure how!

Any advice??

 

[joeylittle]

But somehow the adult part of me started to get angry this week. Or jealous. It's like that child is getting all the love and attention that I never got!

Before you conclude that all this has to do with your inner child - can you examine the reality of where else that anger might be sourcing from? Are you sure it's jealousy? What kinds of thoughts and/or behaviors are you experiencing that lead you to classify your anger as jealousy - and, what's happened in your actual day-to-day life that relates to when these feelings started?

 

[The Albatross]

Hmmm. Be careful because that's a pretty heavy load to put on a relationship, "For the first time I actually have someone I trust in real life that I can visualize bringing healing to my inner child. I actually feel safe enough to become that three year old child that wants nothing more than to crawl into someone's arms and feel protected."

What can or could you do to endeavor to fill that need yourself?

 

[Thinkbig]

Hmmm. Be careful because that's a pretty heavy load to put on a relationship, "For the first time...

If I never received support as a child after trauma, how am I supposed to be able to show that to myself? How would it be possible to love yourself if you don't even know what love even looks like?

Isn't this why recovery begins for so many after years and years...we finally find someone who is safe and we feel safe enough to start processing things that we were overwhelmed by before?

 

[Thinkbig]

Before you conclude that all this has to do with your inner child - can you examine the reality of w...

Very good question. It all gets so complicated for me when dealing with alters and all the emotions get tangled up.

 

[The Albatross]

You endeavor to learn it ("How would it be possible to love yourself if you don't even know what love even looks like?")

 

[joeylittle]

Isn't this why recovery begins for so many after years and years...we finally find someone who is safe and we feel safe enough to start processing things that we were overwhelmed by before?

Personally, no. Recovery began for me when I started doing trauma processing in therapy; and I didn't start doing that because I felt 'safe' with my therapist, I did it because it was time and it clearly needed to be done.

I am not saying you are wrong; I'm saying that recovery is not tied to replacing what you may have lost or had taken from you. Recovery is tied to your own decisions, that's all.

It all gets so complicated for me when dealing with alters

Is your inner child an alter? These are not typically the same concept...

 

[Thinkbig]

You endeavor to learn it ("How would it be possible to love yourself if you don't even know what l...

I totally agree that we must be self motivated yet even then it is the process of reaching out for help, via therapy or education or breaking the silence for the first time. It's making a courageous stand toward trusting someone enough to listen and confirm that you are worth being heard. It's wanting to believe that you are worth being loved, daring to believe that the lies you have known may not be true.

 

[Thinkbig]

Personally, no. Recovery began for me when I started doing trauma processing in therapy; and I didn't start doing that because I felt 'safe' with my therapist, I did it because it was time and it clearly needed to be done.

I hear you. I meant feeling safe in general, meaning safe in life, removed from the trauma environment itself, hopefully finding support. I wasn't able to process after the trauma due to this very reason. The world was an unsafe place and I didn't trust the people around me.
I admire your tenacity to take control of your recovery. Part of my deepest wounding was not the trauma itself, rather the lack of support.

I'm saying that recovery is not tied to replacing what you may have lost or had taken from you. Recovery is tied to your own decisions, that's all.

That's a good point. Perhaps I'm speaking from a place of intense self-hatred and not believing I was worth being loved. Walking through the experience of feeling loved for the first time, not just being told, was everything.

Is your inner child an alter? These are not typically the same concept...

Another good point. It is not "a distinct personality state that control's the individuals behavior", so not an alter.

 

[joeylittle]

Part of my deepest wounding was not the trauma itself, rather the lack of support.

This resonates with me as well. Bear in mind, I had late-onset PTSD; my primary trauma occurred when I was in my teens, and I did not begin addressing it until about 20 years later. Our timelines are likely quite different, and there's a lot that goes into how and when one decides to dig into recovery.

I'm also very skeptical of the usefulness inner-child imagery; so, I have an admitted bias, there. I understand it helps many people.

I'm glad you see that an inner child is not an alter. I think this is a very slippery slope...the notion of the inner child, and re-parenting, can be super-useful for some. Id just encourage you to keep it separated from your relationship; because just as you don't necessarily want to carry your PTSD struggles as they are now, forward throughout your life; you also don't want your relationship to become a sort of three-way situation with your inner child interfering....if that makes sense.

So, while you explore the idea of the inner child, be careful of endowing it with more influence/agency over your present-day life than is warranted. Ultimately, you are that child...it's not separate from you. It's a way to think about your early life experiences, identify what needs were not met, and then meet those needs for yourself with yourself - not have those needs met by someone else.

 

[Thinkbig]

This resonates with me as well. Bear in mind, I had late-onset PTSD; my primary trauma occurred whe...

I started disassociating when I was 4 so it seems very much like a separate part of me. But when I visualize, sometimes its me and sometimes its that child. That's why I was wondering about the integration thing.

And yes! I totally agree about keeping all this separate! This is so personal to share.

In a way, allowing my 4 yr old self to be loved is how I'm meeting that need for love and support myself. Maybe weird, but has been so helpful! I just want those feelings to resonate with my adult self because sometimes that child still doesn't feel like part of me. Sorry so confusing!