Relationship Hard Time Being Weak As A Supporter

[Hojay]

I guess this is just a bit of a rant or subdued vent - not sure what else to call it.

After all the ups and downs, the near breakups, and being strong for my sufferer, I'm starting to realize I'm fraying at the edges. I just feel weak from dealing with all this, always being the cheerleader, always the one understanding and forgiving, and on and on. My sufferer does the best he can to help and listen to me - really, given his limitations, he's a champion. But I stop myself, am afraid of letting myself go fully, because deep down I'm starting to fear what's glued us together has been my mental strength. That what attracted him initially was my independence, willpower, and knowing "what to do." What if I'm not that person anymore, or at all times? I'm afraid he will leave if he sees I'm just as weak as the rest of them and just can't be the person to save "us" all the time.

He's doing better with his symptoms, handling his panic attacks. Now, that he's seemingly over the very worst of it for the time being, what do we do if I start falling apart? I don't know if we could survive that...

I see my own therapist, so there's support there. I'm just afraid of what the PTSD has done to our relationship dynamic - I desperately want the lightness back, but for whatever reason, I can't seem to conjure it up myself anymore.

 

[Sweet_E]

I guess this is just a bit of a rant or subdued vent - not sure what else to call it.

After all the ups...

Dealing with someone with PTSD is certainly draining, especially over time. What makes things even more draining is that often the supporter puts the PTSD Sufferer's needs first. It may seem like the right thing to do because you see how difficult PTSD is to deal with but in my opinion, this is not the healthiest approach. The supporter needs to put her own needs first, ensure that she has energy and then from a place of having a surplus of mental and emotional energy, she can support the sufferer without overextending herself. I firmly believe that unless someone is a child or incapacitated that it is his job to meet his own needs. Granted, PTSD can be incapacitating. In that case, a team of professionals should be involved and it is not necessarily the role of a girlfriend to be complete caretaker to the Sufferer.

With that said, it is possible that you have been caring for him in an imbalanced way. The dynamic of the relationship was based around this imbalance and now it sounds like you cannot sustain this imbalanced approach because now YOU need support. It's great that you recognize that you have your own needs. This might be exactly what you need for your own well-being.

Since your boyfriend has gone through such suffering and pain, it is likely that he might have more capacity to give you compassion for what you are going through. It might be difficult for him if he has been reliant on you for support and has not built other support systems. I think you need to be honest with him that you need to give yourself some extra support and focus and that you are concerned that you might not have the energy to provide the same level of support to him that you have in the past. This does not mean that you do not love him any less. It means putting the oxygen mask on yourself first so that you are more capable of helping the other person. You can encourage him to find other sources of support. Ultimately, he is responsible for his healing and you are responsible for yours. When we do things for significant other, ideally it should be coming from a place where we are not completely depleted.

Know that you and he will find that lightness again. Unfortunately, some relationships have to go without much of it for a time. It's okay for you to feel a mess. You do not have to be perfect. Give yourself a break and get better and the lightness will come. Perhaps the new dynamic of your relationship, where you focus on your own needs will bring out other wonderful aspects of your relationship. Maybe he will get to take a turn in supporting you and that will make him feel good. Maybe you will get to show him your vulnerable side that you don't always show. That is intimacy. Being real is form of intimacy and yes, it can be scary as hell!

 

[TheMinsterman]

You're not weak @Hojay.

You're incredibly strong, you have to be to have gotten this far, to be so supportive, so loving, so caring.

 

[BlueOrange]

What if I'm not that person anymore, or at all times?

So, you're starting to say to yourself, "This person that I can be during an emergency or at my peak, I need to be that person all the time, otherwise there will be a disaster," huh? Take a good look at your sufferer. Now that you know where that road leads, it's time to realise that you can't always be that super-person. You can rest your mind occasionally, or you can fracture it.

 

[Hojay]

Thank you all for the kind and supportive words. Yes I'm depleted. I've been careful to take care of myself throughout, but the sheer number of "situations" we've had, plus the effort it takes to stay present for myself (because it takes some effort to continually have to manage the unpredictable in that way,) has really gotten to me.

True, maybe this will uncover a new sort of intimacy. That's what I've been working toward all this time, but now that it's actually, maybe possible, I don't know what to do with it.

It seems like i don't know how to relax in this relationship anymore, always fearing I need to be on high alert and focus to be able to manage situations the "right" way for myself.

I've communicated some of this to him and he listens, but also feels very guilty and quickly veers into saying "he's just hurting me and isn't good for me," which is an all-or-nothing statement that makes it hard for me to express myself and trust he won't bail because I'm starting to really, really struggle.

 

[scout86]

What if you asked him all those 'what if' questions? What if it turns out he doesn't expect you to be the glue that holds the relationship together 100% of the time? What if he's willing, ready, and able to do what he can from HIS side of things? What if he's worrying about being too dependent and you getting tired of being the only one giving anything to the relationship?

On the other hand, what if it really IS a relationship where you are the only one holding things together, for ever & ever? Is that something you really want to do for the rest of your life?

 

[Hojay]

Very good questions @scout86 !

I think the first round of "what ifs" are quite possibly true, and I told him my fears (which i have to some extent) those are the answers I get. He wants to be there for me, support me, and i don't have to be the strong one all the time. But what he says and the reality of the situation can be two very different things. That's my problem, of course, trusting what he says and running with it...

Second round of "what ifs:" No i would not be capable of going on if all that glued us together were my own ability to keep it together. Simply afraid that's what it may come down to. Afraid of having to make a tough choice in that case...choosing myself,

 

[scout86]

I'd like to suggest you consider giving him the chance to fail, if that's what he's going to do. He might surprise you. :)

 

[Hojay]

Hmmm...I might just have to go ahead and try that :)

 

[Nerak63]

Hi, am new here today. This post is exactly how I feel and some great responses.
The trouble for me is trying to understand what is reasonable behaviour to expect and what is unreasonable of me to expect with ptsd. This is all rather new to me. Like many of you have said my partner is very open. He tells me I am amazing and wonderful and the one and sends me the most beautiful messages and tells me what he's going to to. Sadly, the words are wonderful, but reality is non existent. He doesn't walk the talk. I feel like I have become his parent (we currently aren't having sex due to his issues). I feel like I'm giving him everything and am getting very little in return. I too need to feel looked after and not feeling like I'm the one that's carrying everything, but it feels like I have to carry all the burden as he embarks upon therapy again for the first time in years. Am I wrong to want to be looked after in return - is this an expectation too far, or am I supposed to be a selfless saint, in the hope that he will start behaving how he says he's going once he is starting to feel a bit better and not be consumed by his nightmares? It seems he's completely self absorbed and no-one is suffering in the same way as him, so he never asks how I am, how my day's been, or why, once again, I was pacing around the house at 4 this morning not knowing what to do with myself. Is this self absorption all part of it, or is he simply a selfish git? :-) Anyhooo, am exhausted, at my wits end and don't know which way to turn other than needing him to take some control, but not sure if I should think that is acceptable. Thank you

 

[scout86]

You aren't necessarily wrong to want anything you might want. But there are going to be times when some people, for a variety of reasons, may not be willing or able to fulfill those wants. A German Shepherd is a German Shepherd, whether you'd like a Beagle or not.