Desperate For Advice Please

[Esterio]

Hi Esterio, Thanks for the welcome.
I'll try to answer your questions, sorry if it come out a bit...

Hi there A little lost.
Being told that you have PTSD and then the doctor refusing to refer you for treatment has caused you a lot more harm. I was able to self refer myself to Mental health at our local hospital. I didn't find that out for 5 terrible months after I broke down again that I could refer myself.
Your CCS rule I never had an acronym for it. I used that a few times after being druged and left naked in the park. I'm glad no one found me and call the police. I don't think I could go through that. I sorry for your trauma and hope that you are able to open up to your Councillor and get the help you need.
This place has helped me open up as most here know what it is all about and are never judgemental. I have not told many what happened to me and I have never told about the worst 3 years. In EMDR 2 weeks ago I started to talk about that time 15 to 17 years old. I could not control my emotions. I came very close to throwing up. My T put a stop all of this from coming up and took me to the beach with my mom to some happy times. Last week he stood me up with no notice. i am not sure how i feel about that I am really pissedI know this week we are going back to that time and now I am not sure how I am going to get through it. Everyone keeps telling me that getting it out will help me heal and that overtime I say what happened it will become easier. I am extremely ashamed, embarrass and really not wanting anyone to know.
I hope this is beneficial to you to know that we are all struggling and here is a good place to come and talk with people who care a lot and give a lot of support. Good luck I wish you all the strength it is going to take to get you though this.
Peace be safe

 

[A little lost]

Have you shared these views with your counselor? To just let your counselor know what is going o...

Hi Freedomfighter,
I hope I misunderstood what you said about having to have a significant other and friends to get through. I actually don't have anyone, that was one of the reasons why I reached out to get counselling. I actively avoid being around people now and I know that isn't normal but it's the way I feel safest. I get so scared and anxious around other people that I never made any new friends when I came to live here, over 300 miles from where I was before. I thought that by actually dealing with what has messed my life up then I might be able to one day be like everyone else. From what you said I kind of thing that I'm kidding myself thinking I'm ever going to be a normal person. Who is going to want to start a friendship or whatever if it takes so much effort on their part?? Did I misunderstand you? I'm sorry if I've got it wrong.

What you're experiencing is normal. Unfortunately our subconscious blocks us from saying stuff we want t...

Hi Kilted,
I think your suggestion of printing this off and taking it with me is what I'm going to do. Tomorrow morning is my next session and I'm already starting to panic about how I can get myself to be able to say what needs to be said. I keep telling myself it's just words, damn well say it.....but I crack up and stutter, then fall apart. I'm sure she's beginning to think I'm mental. Anyway, thankyou...I'll give it a go tomorrow and see what happens.

 

[A little lost]

Hi there A little lost.
Being told that you have PTSD and then the doctor refusing to refer you for...

Thanks Esterio,
I'm sorry for the the stuff that you have lived through and thank you for sharing with me what you have. It IS beneficial to know that I'm not the only one who feels like this and is struggling with how to deal with things that have happened... it gives me a small hope might not be as abnormal and crazy as I think. Sorry if that came across wrong...That is just how I feel about myself. That is in no way a comment about anyone else on here at all. I think you are all nice people who are trying to help me having unfortunately had to live through horrible things youselves.
Thank you, I really do appreciate that you have spent the time to talk to me.
I just need to try and get through tomorrow's session without really falling apart. I'm even starting to question why I should say anything to anyone....I've lived this long without saying anything. Then I tell myself thats my fear talking, but I'm kind of like a crab halfway out of its shell...do I really want to face what will happen when someone knows? But at the same time I know I can't stay like this, as everything is just getting harder to be able to surpress.
My morning alarm is due to go off in 6 hours...I guess I need to try and sleep.
Thanks again.

 

[joeylittle]

I think your suggestion of printing this off and taking it with me is what I'm going to do. Tomorrow morning is my next session and I'm already starting to panic about how I can get myself to be able to say what needs to be said. I keep telling myself it's just words, damn well say it.....but I crack up and stutter, then fall apart. I'm sure she's beginning to think I'm mental. Anyway, thankyou...I'll give it a go tomorrow and see what happens.

Just in case you check in before you go, @A little lost - I wanted to support this plan. It's a very good plan. And your therapist will be able to help you.

At first I couldn't talk about anything in a narrative, but I could do bullet points. Like actions - and some of them were shorthand, but I knew what they meant. It was easier to go from there to starting to talk about it in a narrative form. Also, seriously, writing isn't cheating - it's a legit technique.

 

[Esterio]

Thanks Esterio,
I'm sorry for the the stuff that you have lived through and thank you for sharing...

Didn't come across as wrong at all. Just didn't see the whole picture. I'm not sure how old your but I kept everything locked in for decades my last trauma was 40 years ago so I don't think living with it did me any good I lost everything I live for and loved by not dealing with it. This is my second attempt at therapy. I hope your session goes better tomorrow. I agree very much with joeylittle's post about your Therapy. Good luck and let us know how it goes tomorrow.
Peace Be safe

 

[A little lost]

[GALLERY=media, 4260]Be careful by A little lost posted Apr 5, 2017 at 12:00 AM[/GALLERY]

Today the plan worked in a round about way , it got the conversation started and I ended up having to force myself into saying something I now wish I hadn't told her. It's backfired in a big way and now I feel like total filthy crap. Tonight I just need to have a drink, wrap myself up in my duvet and try to stop the shit storm of memories and mental replay that this has reawoken. My personal Pandora's Box has now had the top blown off just by opening it a tiny fraction to allow someone to have a very quick peek at the contents.
Her reaction today now has me thinking I don't know if I can ever look her in the face again. If today turned I out like this, then there isn't a snowball's chance in Hell that I can say any of the darker stuff.

 

[joeylittle]

If today turned I out like this, then there isn't a snowball's chance in Hell that I can say any of the darker stuff.

You'd be surprised. Desensitization does happen, and it's part of the process.

Consider starting a Trauma Diary - check out this format, and see if it sparks any ideas...

Link Removed - tips for Trauma Diary structure.

 

[A little lost]

Just in case you check in before you go, @A little lost - I wanted to support th...

I forgot to say thanks Joeylittle, I did check in before I went this morning. Your advice was ( and is) appreciated.

 

[joeylittle]

Hey, no worries. I recognize a lot of my own struggles, in your situation.

 

[A little lost]

I think I need to find a crib sheet for terms people use, I haven't done much reading about any of this. I don't know what you mean by desensitization. I'm sorry I'm not trying to be thick, my head's a bit fried. Is the way I am after today desensitization? Should I have expected this to have been the outcome of trying to talk about it? I'm sorry, enough of the twenty questions. I think I'm just really out of my depth , can you recommend any book I could get or something that might help me understand any of this please? I've had a bit of a nosey round the site , I guess I could do with a proper look round.
I'll definitely have a look at the link, thank you, and will look into the trauma diary idea.
I decided not to have a drink as I'm not too sure it would have stayed at one which would only make things worse. Though it is time for some heavy metal in my headphones to try and knock my head straight.

 

[joeylittle]

I don't know what you mean by desensitization.

Sorry - desensitization in a trauma context refers to the lessening of acute symptoms, that comes along with exposure.

So, you are concerned that things will get harder not easier - and in some ways, that is true. The pandora's box analogy is really right on.

But - there are other ways that things become easier. That has to do with desensitization. The more you are able to work your way through your memories, the easier it gets. I could maybe compare it to riding on a roller-coaster. The first time, everything is unexpected and it's quite affecting. The second time, maybe the same. Get up to the fifth time, and you start to know what's coming, and it isn't as scary as it was.

When we talk about, or write about, the experiences we've had - and go over the same bits, repeatedly - the emotional twists and turns become less and less sudden, shocking. It gets easier. That's the theory behind exposure therapy, and Prolonged Exposure (PE) is a very reliable method for processing the trauma memories until they become part of your past, where they should be, and aren't interfering in the present, where you live now.

The memories don't stop being bad; but they stop causing utterly debilitating physical symptoms.

What's tough about PE is those first five times on the roller coaster, where it still is able to totally effect you. Some people call this 're-traumatization' - basically, what happens when you deal with your traumatic event(s), and in remembering, experience something close to it all over again.

EMDR is a type of trauma therapy that is meant to help avoid the re-traumatization. There's a sticky about it at the top of this forum. So is Somatic Experiencing, which goes at it from a more physical angle. A lot of people have to mix and match the kinds of therapies they do, depending on all the variables: what sort of trauma event, what kind of person are you, what's your coping like...all sorts of things.

These articles are great:
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, will give you a good overview.
Prolonged Exposure Therapy for PTSD
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)
Link Removed

PTSD Stress Cup
You might find this piece useful: Stressor vs. Trigger - What Is A Trigger?
MyPTSD - Reading Forum Increases Symptoms!

I hope some of that helped...

 

[kilted]

Don't talk about "it", talk about the block that stops you talking about "it".

The key is not to be forcing yourself to talk about "it" because then you'll get what is sometimes called "script blowback", which is a mental loop where you convince yourself never to talk about "it" again.

Feeling awful is unfortunately a natural part of the process..... this is what one part of your psyche is trying to protect you from, while another part knows that to heal and grow you have to let the light in and be able to talk about it.