Who do you go to for advice when you can't turn to family?

[Fadeaway]

One thing that has always made me feel insecure is that I have never really had anyone I could turn to for decision making advice especially when growing up and as a young adult. I have the internet now and this forum, but there was a time in my life where the lack of having someone to ask advice from about basic things like friendships, cooking or "does my hair look ok?" would cause me to spiral out out of control.

I guess it fuled my current "research things to death" habit along with my turning to books and forums like this, but it doesn't quite fill that void of "motherly advice" I so long for.

 

[Suzetig]

I have a good circle of friends I can ask things of - like how often should you change bedding, clean out the fridge etc, has someone overstepped the mark with me, how do I challenge people without fighting etc. I do feel there's a host of things I simply never learned about from housekeeping to being in relationships to personal care and for a long time felt like I was really muddling through but some of my friends who know how neglected I was are great at answering basic questions without leaving me feeling stupid.

 

[Fadeaway]

I am really glad you have that!

Housekeeping was a big one for me. I would see products advertised on t.v. and would go out and buy all of them because I thought that is what you were supposed to do. It took experience with experimentation to really figure things out. I learned about female issues through a book written by a male Dr. and not a medical Dr. mind you but someone with a doctorate in theology. I am still horrified by that.

 

[ladee]

I was Cinderella growing up...so knew how to clean.... but learned about my periods from girls as school. Learned many things from books... how to set boundaries, ect.. Am not one to ask how to do something... I will watch people, and see how they do it... get the basics and go from there....
That is so sad to me, to be let loose in the world without basic knowledge..... it makes me sad and angry for you.... doesn't help you I know....

Keep your eyes open tho... someone will come into your life that will fill that 'mother void'.... So many things I missed in my childhood, have been given to me by life... people show up in my life that give me what I never received....

I am a retired private caregiver... one lady I took care of... ended up being the grandma I never had.... I loved that lady so much. One day she was setting on the side of her bed... I sat down next to her, and have no idea why, but I leaned over and put my head on her shoulder.... something I would NEVER do... and she reached up and patted my face with more love than I can put words on... I cry even today when I think of that moment.... I got what I needed... it's never too late to look for the miracles people have to offer....

I am sending gentle hugs, not the same, but they are real...

 

[Ronin]

I turn to research. Books. Hell, even divination, just because it was a form of research I had available growing up when there was no one I coulda ask.

So basically Read everything I can & hope the informational void just fills itself if I wait it out.

 

[Klo]

I just got very used to never asking for advice or help, very early in life, and it has stayed with me to present day.

I find the process of trial and error, learning for myself through experience and mistakes, to be far less stressful than depending on others and then being betrayed or otherwise let down.

A former therapist told me that this was likely due to being the family scapegoat my whole life. Failure isn't scary. Failure is normal. Trusting people, though.. lol

 

[lostforgottensoul]

but it doesn't quite fill that void of "motherly advice" I so long for.

I don't think anything will fill that void. Yeah, one can have friends. I have a friend that I met at 18 and who I still keep in every now and then contact with on facebook. She is the age of my mother. Her daughter is a few yrs older then me. She is who gave me early advice. I think I was lucky to find my first landlord as both together was sort of like mother & father sort of advice. In Kansas I had a sort of stand in family. But I have never really had that void filled. And now, without any friends, this site and research, youtube and some folks I follow there, thats where advice comes from.

I think its healthy to try to find a good support network in real life but trying to fill that motherly love void can never be filled fully. I think we need to accept that and try to build the best support network we can in real life and people we can turn to. But I think if we are searching for that motherly love, it will end in disappointment. Setting yourself up for disappointment. In my opinion and experience anyway.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

I ask anyone and everyone questions. I'm the arse hole who asked questions and stopped the whole class getting out on time. I'll ask who ever is around it doesn't matter. groups of people are always good they discuss amongst themselves and you get a better understanding of different points of view. I'll ask my partner and therapist, the forum is great. quite often the answer is already answered you just have to search for it. YouTube is pretty good for anything practical.

I've given up the perfect mother dream long ago. It's sad but that's the reality I have the mother I have not any other. Radical acceptance that shit, grieve and nail being my own motherly presence that I deserve.

 

[Fadeaway]

But I think if we are searching for that motherly love, it will end in disappointment.

I am quite familiar with the disappointment, unfortunately, experience is a bitch.

I've given up the perfect mother dream long ago. It's sad but that's the reality I have the mother I have not any other. Radical acceptance that shit, grieve and nail being my own motherly presence that I deserve.

Teach me your ways oh wise one. I know I can't fulfill that need but how do I stop wanting it? If I could figure out how to stop wanting it, I could spare myself a bit of torment. Reasoning with myself doesn't seem to be working though. My brain and my emotions rarely seem to be on speaking terms, so what I know logically doesn't get through to my emotions. I want to stop wanting it.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

how do I stop wanting it

I don't think you really do. My mom is dead and I still long for it.

It least in my experience (and therapy) acceptence happens over time. And the old saying of give yourself what you won't get from others goes a long way too. So what do you long when it comes to a mom? Someone to talk to? Ok, friends can do that and we can do that and an SO can do that. Love? Other family members? A SO? For me, I've never had a mother. A real mother. And in my time in therapy we have dismantled what I am longing for and have tried to replace a lot of that with realist stuff. And I have had to simply accept that I will never have that motherly love I long for.

There isn't a love like a mother's love so can we replace it fully? In my opinion and experience, no. But we can accept that we won't ever get that motherly love and advice etc that we long for and then create a support network for yoirself that resembles or meets some of those needs. And that acceptance can take a real long time. For me, it happened over many years and I am still in the process but way more accepting of it then say a year ago.

Does any of that make sense?

 

[Friday]

One thing that has always made me feel insecure is that I have never really had anyone I could turn to for decision making advice especially when growing up and as a young adult.

My mom is amazing. But I'm constantly stunned at the things people without mothers, or with abusive mothers, think everyone else has in their lives.

Doesn't mean that there isn't a helluva lot of 'check your privilege' type stuff in growing up without abuse. But 'without abuse' doesn't equal with everything imaginable, you know?

Or maybe not. As you're married... You know how a lot of single women envision marriage as some kind of Prince Charming Fairytale meets Romance Novel Sex God? Your husband is always your best friend, your everything, who provides you with the perfect support at all times, and always says the right thing, does the right thing, feels the right thing, thinks the right thing; and also thinks you're the most beautiful, clever, funny, sexy thing to ever walk on the earth? They're always there when you need them, and you're never lonely, and they meet your every need, and fulfill your every desire, and always understand you, and always put you first, and, and, and. :rolleyes: Even if they know in their heads that people are people (with flaws), and 50% of marriage ends in divorce... There's this underlining TRUE LOVE CONQUERS ALL! & Soul Mate = Perfection... And these beliefs about what something they don't have "is" oozes out in a lot of different ways. Like "should" statements & "when I'm married I'll never _____" & anyone with marital problems clearly isn't with their soul mate, and other nonsense? It's like that.

Nothing you listed are things I've ever been able to turn to my mother, for. That's either just not who she is, as a person, or we have differing viewpoints / opinions.

In fact, even if I rack my brain over hundreds of friendships and acquaintances Ive had over the decades? I don't know anyone who had the "mom" I read so often about on here.

Turning to family for advice? I know a few people who can do that, in very limited areas. But it's far more common that we're most of us ducking our moms' opinions, advice, and ways to do things... Rather than seeking it out. Not because they're terrible people. But because they are people; with either different ways of doing things than we do, or are even more clueless than we are about said thing we want advice on!

 

[Fadeaway]

@Friday I get that, I really do. When I was a teenager, I knew a girl who in my eyes had the most wonderful mom in the world. In her mind her mom was overbearing and stiffing and she would rather hang out with my mom because mine was the "cool mom."

I know the majority of people had average moms, I know there are people had even worse moms than me. It is just the emotion that I am dealing with I need the emotional discomfort to dial down a notch if that makes sense. Logic just doesn't seem to be affecting it any and that irritates the crap out of me.