I'm afraid to talk to my therapist about my sexual abuse

[Tinyflame]

Yes I agree in theory, but you have to be prepared if the e-mail is ignored. It just reinforces shame and embarassment, feelings of worthlessness or self-blame. For 'me', anyway, others may be different. Because I think that was stupid of me/ not important/ what ego of mine to think it was?, etc.

 

[NightSky]

Ooh, this is good...I like it a lot!

Brene Brown.. she's my go to for all things vulnerability-related. It's all so helpful.

 

[NightSky]

Yes I agree in theory, but you have to be prepared if the e-mail is ignored. It just reinforces shame an...

yes, that's very true. I had to talk to my T very early on about email expectations. We had to be very clear on how I was feeling if she didn't respond, and come up with a plan that worked for us. (For me, just a line that she got it and we would talk about it is enough.. usually she responds with more, but sometimes she doesn't, and it has become ok.) Took me a while but I got there. And it has been invaluable. I had to be really honest with her about how I felt if it seemed an email was ignored. It may not work for everyone, but it has worked well for me.

 

[Tinyflame]

That's good @NightSky .

Yes I'm sure it's me, it's the same with a crisis line etc. I know about mind-reading & cognitive distortions, but I think, "It could be (x).. But it isn't." Just as one looks at the sky and says, "They aren't calling for rain, but I think it will", based on past experience, knowledge, etc. And it does. So I draw the conclusion it's just because of me/ the content, etc.

Also, I think, why should it matter to anyone- since it's either past, or in the present and therefore my problem, no one else's.

Also I'm sure there has to be guidelines, they don't work for free nor around the clock- nor should they, and there's lots of clients.

 

[NightSky]

@Junebug I have all of those thoughts too. And often they hold me back from emailing. But when I know there's something I have to process, I try to push past those fears. Even with my T always saying she's glad we have that method of communication I still never believe her, feel like it's not important, that I'm taking up her time etc. and she consistently argues that I'm not the nuisance I feel I am. Its so hard to battle those lies that tell you you aren't worth it. But you are. Even when you are forgetting you are.
If my T says it's ok to do, I have to trust her, even when I'm afraid to. You know?

 

[Tinyflame]

That sounds like a good choice for you @NightSky .

 

[Tinyflame]

I've always understood it to be, expectation leads to disappointment, disappointment to resentment.

And, well, why send anything at all if it's a crap-shoot? It's too difficult to send.

But whatever works for a person, that is good.

 

[barefoot]

Brene Brown.. she's my go to for all things vulnerability-related. It's all so helpful.

Yes, I love her. I'm familiar with the idea of empathy/self-compassion reducing the power of shame but I especially liked the way you worded the bit about there being no empathy for parts of yourself you don't share and that has really resonated with me this evening :-)

 

[NightSky]

I've always understood it to be, expectation leads to disappointment, disappointment to resentment.

And...

I agree you have to do what works for you. And everyone draws the line in the sand in different places. You could apply that expectation leads to disappointment theory to almost anything, and then you might be safe from resentment, but are you living whole heartedly? Might you be missing out on good, healing relationships in an effort to protect yourself? I fight those same battles so please understand I'm only playing devil's advocate to challenge your thinking. I struggle immensely with trust. I walk into therapy each week sure my T will be annoyed with me.
The only reason I'm able to put myself out there is because of how reliable my T has been with this method. It took a year of testing her out and trying, and being petrified and ashamed and yes, sometimes resentful. Even if she took "too long" to respond. But then I saw over time that she would always address it in session and learned to use that method of communication to further my progress.
Like OP I just couldn't physically get the words out. I still can't. Writing it the only thing that works. So for me it was that or nothing.
I hope I'm not stepping on your toes or pushing your buttons. I think you bring up an extremely valid point that I didn't think to include! :)

 

[talon]

My therapist knows I've been sexually abused but I'm too scared to actually talk to her about it even though the memor...

Firstly don't apologize there is no need. A lady i supported had DID and had 20 alters. She like me communicated through poetry . This may be an avenue to follow or just sharing your feelings by writing little and often if that helps. Often inspiration comes at odd times and something on the TV May trigger an idea or thought. have a notepad and pen at hand then share as and when you are ready no pressure

 

[TheOne]

My therapist knows I've been sexually abused but I'm too scared to actually talk to her about it even though the memor...

You have to be ready to tell your T, if you don’t feel comfortable perhaps find a T you do feel that you can, but if you have already created a repour with this T, I wouldn’t. You should never feel awkward, embarrassed by telling your therapist, most likely they have already heard it before, they are there to help you to cope with it.

If I may suggest something, something I wanted to tell my T, instead I wrote it down and gave it to her, I sent it to her by email or whatever way your method is. But, it might be easier for you do so, but you aren’t there to be judged, no T would make you feel that way and if they did, they are no T.

It feels great that I have someone to talk to, without being judged. Take your time, no rush to getting there, you will in our own time.

 

[roaringrachel]

The entire basis of sexual abuse is shame and embarrassment. The perpetrator has complete control over you and wants you to feel like it is your fault. If you share your story with your therapist, you are taking away the control from your abuser. You get to take back your life. I was in the exact situation as you just a month ago. I desperately wanted to tell my therapist everything, yet it felt impossible to tell her and I couldn't get the words out. The moment I finally said the words, I felt less ashamed. She didn't freak out and it wasn't awkward. Because therapists are prepared to handle things like this.

A first step for you might be saying something like this to your therapist: "I think I would like to talk about my trauma with you but it's really really hard for me to talk about it."

If you literally say just that, your therapist can take it from there.