How Long Did You Spend On Stabilization?

[Mach123]

It took a few years to find the right therapist or till I was "there" and could talk about it. Even when I got with the right therapist (how did I trust myself enough to know that?) it took a year to really start talking about it and I still am just getting to some of it but it's mostly out now.

I don't understand the process completely but I felt like it had to happen by itself. I was really just watching it the whole time. It had to come out of me when it was ready, not when I was ready. The therapists would always tell me I was doing such great "work" and I would laugh at them. I really felt like I had almost nothing to do with it.

I think actually the work I did was not trying to get it out it was trying to keep it in. Then I remember in the beginning I felt like the abuser me used to look out at the therapist and say "go ahead, ask him anything you want I'm right here and you'll never see me."

 

[Laurie2001]

It took a few years to find the right therapist or till I was "there" and could talk about it. Even wh...

That last part, I can totally relate to. Also, Maybe not the same, but it sort of went like this, when anybody would tell me to relax or breath I'd feel enraged. I guess that was really a protective part. It felt like someone telling you to relax, when you're terrified because you're walking in a minefield. I'd think, yeah you feel like I do and then tell me to relax. Made me more distrustful. But I would explain it to them and then they, or at least my current therapist would get it and understand (sometimes) and I'd feel more able to trust her.

Also it took me 4 years to find the right therapist. Someone who really knew trauma. All these people advertising themselves as having an expertise, but not really wanting to touch it. Anyway, glad you got "there" with someone right for you Mach123.

 

[EveHarrington]

2ish years initially

 

[sun seeker]

I would just tell him you need him to help you settle before you leave and agree a way of ending (breathing, a meditation, chatting) that helps.

I am going through some old posts as I prepare to leave the forum at least for a time. Tying up loose ends, though I may miss some.

We're doing better on this, though there is room for improvement. There is still no foolproof method of grounding that always works for me, but we're working on it. There are many fewer sessions that I leave in a bad state. A lot of that has to do with the work my therapist did on himself, I think; he is much more present when he is with me and that helps me not to get so triggered or dissociated in the first place.

One thing I should say: I don't think another therapist would have done any better. There are no shortage of grounding techniques; most of them just don't work for me. We've had to figure out our own by trial and error. It's the nature of working on my particular variety of complex trauma: it's not that delving into the trauma too soon is destabilizing, but being in any kind of relationship that is important to me. Working on our relationship isn't incidental or just a precursor to working on the PTSD. It's an integral part of the work. Relationships have been messed up for me from the very beginning. So it's working through the developmental trauma, gradually and cautiously, and coming to a place of "earned secure attachment" that will stabilize me the most. We're getting there inch by inch.

 

[sun seeker]

but being in any kind of relationship that is important to me

Did that make any sense? What I'm trying to say is not that "it's important to me to be in any kind of relationship" but that relationships where I become attached to people bring up all my issues, and foremost among them are some issues that can be destabilizing. And my therapist is very committed to helping me work on that. There just isn't a way to avoid bumps in the road because, well, the road was built pretty bumpy in the first place.

 

[Suzetig]

orking on our relationship isn't incidental or just a precursor to working on the PTSD. It's an integral part of the work.

That makes perfect sense to me, as it's been the same for me. The relationship very much is the work for me, allowing myself to be in a relationship with a constant, caring, stable other was nearly impossible for me. I'm much much better now but it's been a long road.

Thanks for updating. I hope taking a break from here goes well for you, I'll miss seeing you around.

 

[scout86]

It totally makes sense to me too. It's not something I expected, but it's turned out to be the most useful,, and transformative, part of 'therapy'.

I'll miss you too! Hoping all the best for you!

 

[garden]

As long as your bill is paid they don't give a flying fvck anyway.

I have felt this way about a few therapists in my past. It is so hard to find a genuinely caring therapist. I have often felt that my therapist was totally thinking about his/her grocery list while pretending to listen. This was especially true when I did 'talk' therapy, they'd listen, then not offer any solutions or insight, and then it's over til the next session.

I already spent several years getting stable once. I damn well know how to do it. I simply haven't been able to. And every time I try to, I just seem to slide farther back.

I so relate to this. This is why I reference groundhog day a lot, it's just gonna come back around again, sheesh. I feel as if I have been at this for years, and I have been 'stable' off and on for years, but it's never for very long at all. Some of the things about the way I function that I call 'stable' now, would not have been seen as stable to me years ago. It's all strangely so relative. It's as if I am different because I am not so disturbed with myself anymore, and I have adapted to the changes in myself by re-arranging my life, using tools that I have learned in therapy, and focusing on basic living, however, I can still become 'unstable' if met with the right triggers, and I still don't know how to do anything but endure and recover, and slowly get back to 'stable'. Is there anything else?

Although I had accepted this pattern, I recently began looking for a therapist and spoke to one who told me she believes whole heartedly that she can help me break this pattern through EMDR, and when I told her that my old therapist, who was a 'Trauma Specialist', told me this form of therapy was not appropriate for me and that it could actually cause more damage to me, she actually became a bit irate and said that he shouldn't be licensed because this treatment is ideal for someone with my history, and she hates to see it withheld.

 

[Friday]

EMDR, and when I told her that my old therapist, who was a 'Trauma Specialist', told me this form of therapy was not appropriate for me and that it could actually cause more damage to me, she actually became a bit irate and said that he shouldn't be licensed because this treatment is ideal for someone with my history, and she hates to see it withheld

EMDR has come a long way in the past 10/15 years. As an example of the changes? It used to be completely counter indicated for complex trauma, full stop. Now -with some serious advanced training- it's often (but not always) recommended for complex trauma. Training practitioners is another thing that's come a long way / the requirements have tooooootally changed, requiring a lot more hours, more supervision, & a lot more specialization.

It could be Therapist1 has the old training, and hasn't stayed up on advancements & certifications. It could also be that Therapist2 doesn't know you as well as Therapist1 and is biting off more than they can chew. Not knowing your trauma history, or them, there's no way for me to say.

I've had the second one, however. My (awesome!) MFT therapist was getting certified in EMDR (basics) and reeeeally wanted to have me be one of his certification clients. Couple years later? He about fell over himself thanking me for refusing him back when. While he knew the broad strokes of my trauma history? He had no idea what that actually meant (for either of us) in regards to doing EMDR. He now has the most advanced certification & a lot of specialized training, and he still wouldn't do EMDR on me, for fear of causing harm, because he's still too inexperienced. He says he wants several more years of dealing with less complex histories, before he'd feel competent to handle cases like mine. (Which are hardly the most complex out there. I'm pretty middling.) But still more complex than he feels he has the experience to handle right.

So just a word of caution; That T2 is super excited about using EMDR on you? May be because they're totally competent & really think they can help. It may also be because they don't know enough to be wary.

 

[garden]

May be because they're totally competent & really think they can help. It may also be because they don't know enough to be wary.

My fears exactly.

This new T's website states that she specializes in EMDR and she's an EMDR International Association approved consultant. She's also got some testimonials posted that sound pretty life changing. Nonetheless, I plan to tread carefully. Thank you for the insight Friday.