Ptsd as debilitating

[mrsmegan]

My husband and I got into a fight yesterday about my PTSD. He was saying how tired he was and was feeling like I was not doing my fair share - I asked him how he would respond if I had cancer - and he said that this isn't cancer, it isn't at the same level.

I don't like playing the game of - what's worse and let's rate people's pain - but I hate that because my stuff isn't external, then it must not be that bad. I have found that my PTSD is completely debilitating at times - it takes everything I have to do therapy and work at my job. I try to be there as much as I can for my family, but I am so often just exhausted.

Can anyone relate?

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi @mrsmegan , it is very difficult to schedule around and try to accomplish what we want (the Spoon Theory), and I know I pay the price for trying, and I frequently can't accomplish my intentions or desires.

That being said, it's not cancer- it's ptsd. In fact cancer can go in to remission; in some ways ptsd rarely does- more so we learn better ways to deal with it. We also can't speak to that, unless we have it. People don't feel very good when they've got an illness like cancer if it's at the stage it's going to kill them. But chronic issues, and pain fatigue, are very very difficult to bear, regardless of illness, I think, from my experience. And with ptsd, pretty high rates of co-morbidities, and risk of suicide (for a reason, not because people 'want' to).

But no one has 'anything', until they're diagnosed. And so if a person is spent, or feels ill, and finds out later they are indeed ill, well that certainly explains to a greater degree 'why', later.

What I'm saying is hopefully you can each respect and love one another and go from the basic premise you're both doing your best, everything considered. PTSD is a big challenge, or frequently is.

It sounds like perhaps some education about ptsd might help your husband. Also, are there ways you can reduce your own stress, or relieve it? Are you able to sleep? Catnap? Get exercise, or time alone? How about med side-effects? Etc.

Your husband and family probably 'miss' you too. And this is the only time in their lives they have you as a wife/ partner, mom, etc.

Best wishes to you.

 

[mrsmegan]

It sounds like perhaps some education about ptsd might help your husband. Also, are there ways you can reduce your own stress, or relieve it? Your husband and family probably 'miss' you too. And this is the only time in their lives they have you as a wife/ partner, mom, etc.

I absolutely am there - I just can't always be there in the same capacity. A good example is that there are some occasions that I need to ask my husband to do bedtime with the toddler (we generally do an "every other schedule") - as at the end of the day, I am spent and just can't. Another example is on the weekends, I need a bit of downtime in the afternoon. It is not to the point where I am stuck in bed all day - although I am certainly tempted at times to do just that. I generally just press forward - but need breaks/space in the day.

 

[Tinyflame]

Maybe it's his way of saying he's overwhelmed?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Can anyone relate?

Totally!

I am training my adult dog to be my service dog for this exact reason. Outside of working, I cannot not function. I go without food because I can't seem to get myself into a grocery store and forget about any other stuff people do in life. I stay inside, all doors locked, curtian closed in the dark.

And with working, that's a struggle all in of itself. My insurence company reduced my therapy that we had to appeal, 3 times, because they see "functional" as able to work, which is so freaking wrong.

My dad & step mom (only 2 family left in my life) think I am being difficult and cannot get that I just simply cannot do it. The remainder of my family says its all for attention (I so don't get that). No friends.

So yeah, I totally relate. Ask him to research PTSD. I have a PTSD Sourcebook I bought off Amazon but even just google can lead him to some information about how dibilitating PTSD can be. Will he be open to researching it?

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

I think taking breaks when you need it is a good plan. I schedule breaks in order to maintain a certain level of functioning. (Or at least try to!)

 

[mrsmegan]

Maybe it's his way of saying he's overwhelmed?

I think it is - I just don't know what to do about it...

 

[Friday]

I have found that my PTSD is completely debilitating at times - it takes everything I have to do therapy and work at my job. I try to be there as much as I can for my family, but I am so often just exhausted.

Can anyone relate?

Yup. To the point of not being able to do anything. The whole homeless, jobless, asleep for the better part of months level of debilitating, nonfunctional.

I asked him how he would respond if I had cancer - and he said that this isn't cancer, it isn't at the same level.

I don't like playing the game of - what's worse and let's rate people's pain - but I hate that because my stuff isn't external, then it must not be that bad.

If you had cancer you would probably be arranging respite care for HIM. Because it's insane to think anyone can handle running a family, with a sick person, with no backup. And yet? We ask our loved ones to do all the work that cancer-spouses do... With none of the support.

So maybe try turning this one around for the win? :D Instead of arguing about what's worse? Treat it the same. By arranging care for him he hasn't been getting, but would be getting, if it were the other thing. He's at his breaking point. He needs help he hasn't been getting. Why is fairly immaterial. Whether that's a maid service, daycare, an accountant, food delivery, time off to go play on a regular basis... something -or more likely a combo of things- to help him out.

 

[mrsmegan]

So maybe try turning this one around for the win? :D Instead of arguing about what's worse? Treat it the same. By arranging care for him he hasn't been getting, but would be getting, if it were the other thing. He's at his breaking point. He needs help he hasn't been getting. Why is fairly immaterial. Whether that's a maid service, daycare, an accountant, food delivery, time off to go play on a regular basis... something -or more likely a combo of things- to help him out.

I really like this a lot - thank you for your response. I think it just hard for us - as humans - to ask for help for something that no one can "see" It's also hard because he was seeing a therapist - but decided to stop going. He also has a really hard time spending money "unnecessarily" - which is how he would see food delivery, maid service, etc.

 

[anthony]

He was saying how tired he was and was feeling like I was not doing my fair share - I asked him how he would respond if I had cancer - and he said that this isn't cancer, it isn't at the same level.

I'm not sure that is the best comparison to use, to be honest. I know you're trying to get your point across to him, and end of the day, he doesn't understand because he doesn't feel it -- being PTSD.

The Australian military place PTSD for combat veterans at the same level as losing a limb. Now that is not ALL PTSD, that is combat related PTSD only they put at that level. Doctors have agreed that combat level, severe, ultra incapacitating PTSD, is the same level of incapacity as losing your leg/s or arm/s within war.

Now... militaries don't use cPTSD because the diagnosis doesn't actually exist, thus everything Government is legal and compensable, so the i's are dotted, t's crossed. This level they compare, is cPTSD, in essence, as combat trauma is longevity exposure, usually 6+ months and for the majority, more like years of actual tour time from multiple tours for those at this level. And that is the severe spectrum.

I think you have to find a better comparison if you plan to have that style of discussion with your husband, otherwise he will state the facts, your PTSD is not cancer -- the outcomes and treatment processes are vastly different.

 

[anthony]

I like @Friday comments... look at bringing in help to cover you in places for him. Or better yet, bring in help to cover you, so you can be spending more relaxation time with him. Win win... as together time is super important if you want a relationship to last.

 

[mrsmegan]

I think you have to find a better comparison if you plan to have that style of discussion with your husband

You are absolutely correct - I don't think either of us is "fighting fair" - it is hard for both of us, just in different ways.

He is a big "fairness" and "justice" type person - and does work at not keeping a tally, although admittedly hard for him. I just feel the burden in that - and because my illness is not visible, than it can't be that bad. I am sure I am projecting some of that on to him as well.