Poll Do You Re-create Your Trauma?

[lostforgottensoul]

Please help me

To learn to not push him away or the fear of abandment? Or both?

This guy is a good one?

Growing up my boundaries were always kind of ignored like if I didn't like something I was always told I was being too sensitive or overdramatic and in a weird way I think this played into me ignoring my sexual boundaries as well.

Maybe. I don't think you have to be sexually abused to have sexual disfunction. I think sex and love can get mixed up due to many things as can sex and control. I think you maybe on something with control. Did you feel you had no control growing up? Sex is something you give and something you do thus you can control it.

But, obviously there can be supressed sexual trauma as well. Working in therapy was the only way I was able to remember supressed memories. If that makes sense.

 

[WishfulThinking123]

Yes...I don't have any control I feel like. Unfortunately a few years ago I had to move back home when I left my abusive husband and both my parents I love them and they have been supportive of me through the divorce and everything but, my mom is also very controlling and very critical. I have been a little better trying to take responsibility for her feeling like she can control me and I am trying to stand up for myself...its just hard for me having been criticized so heavily growing up and then having been in now 3 different abusive relationships... sigh

 

[EveHarrington]

To learn to not push him away or the fear of abandment? Or both?

This guy is a good one?...

I don't know how to stop. I mean in general. With him I'm calming down enough to slow down the pushing behavior. Because he finally feels safe. When someone doesn't feel safe I push them away.

 

[EveHarrington]

I mean both!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I don't know how to stop. I mean in general.

Stop pushing people away in general? That one is hard. I still push people away today. I think maybe the slowing down was a good start. For me, I think theres a lot of moving parts. Learning how to allow others close and still feel safe. Learning that hurting someone with my issues isn't worse then them being out of my life. That I am worthy of their love. And, with that, learning to trust they won't leave. Or, if they do, that doesn't mean I am less worthy of their love and/or friendship.

I actively pushed my therapist away for a long time. I think it's something we learn to stop over a long period of time. A process. But, I think if you were able to slow it with one person, that in of itself may have been a good learning experience. If you can do that with him then maybe you can apply that with others?

I don't know. That's a hard question.

How to stop fear of abandonment is hard too. They do go together for me - fear of abandonment and pushing people away. I think that's more a BPD thing but it's a cross over with PTSD. Trust is part of it but I think a bigger part is self worth. Because, if we feel like we are worth recieving love and friendship, then that fear wouldn't be as magnified or there at all.

It's a process though. A maraton. Hopefully my ramblings made some sort of sense. I think what is in both of them is self worth and that may be a good place to start?

 

[Pjj]

I think abuse creates demons in us. I know that I battle the demons every day. Really interesting was reflecting on how far I had come before my current sexual harassment. Suddenly all of the bad habits came flooding back, the want to have unhealthy sex, the OCD which for me is tossing a coin - heads yes I will and tails no I won't, came back, the insomnia and so on.

In some ways my harasser has done me a favour. Bad people are simply evil. Now that I know that the impulses belong to "them" not me, it is easier in one way, so the crying has stopped. On the other though, the anger and frustration has returned and so has the numbness but I still feel that this is a step forward as the anger was just below the surface anyway. By the way I am not violent and nor do I fight with my wife. Another thing I learned, the abused, if you look at the stats protect not harm others

To those in the Northern Hemisphere enjoy your night

 

[UnKnown-Self]

I work at thinking of anything but them. My thought is we all pulse with energy. That energy is way too busy elsewhere. Who the f*ck am I fooling but myself. They are heavy bastards too.
Building a new foundation takes so much work.
I think I can be fashionably angry.

 

[Pjj]

Double edged sword always. I know exactly what you mean. Before my harassment I had blocked out even my abusers names but now all I can think about is them again. I spent a lifetime trying to get away from them!!

If I knew the answers I wouldn't be talking to good people such as yourself so there is a positive I guess

 

[lostforgottensoul]

so the crying has stopped. On the other though, the anger and frustration has returned and so has the numbness but I still feel that this is a step forward as the anger was just below the surface anyway

The crying has yet to start for me. I think that will be the last thing that happens in my healing. But, you are right about the anger. That was just under the surface for so long. Years and years. About 8 or so. Then anger started to leak slowly out on its own. A leak in the dam. Getting worse over time. By year 10 it was a full force leak, going all over everyone.

Its only been about a year that I have been able to slow it down a bit. I am thinking my therapist broke the dam in which held my trauma so maybe I am learning to express anger better rather then plug the leaks? I'm not sure.

 

[Pjj]

I hear you, I thing that you and Alice in wonderland and I have similar journeys and can learn much from each other. It is 10a.m in Aus on Sunday - look forward to swapping tales again before too long

 

[UnKnown-Self]

I cry when I stop paying attention. Usually when I am tired and cycling starts. There are no release in the tears. I cry in my confusion. When I know I am not making any good sense. I am mortified when it happens.

 

[Pjj]

I cry when I stop paying attention. Usually when I am tired and cycling starts. There are no release in the tears. I cry in my confusion. When I know I am not making any good sense. I am mortified when it happens.

I am male and often feel ashamed of this, anger or tears what a choice! It is the in between times that I am learning to love. Mindfulness my psych tells me. I hate it when you walk into an important meeting and you have to tell yourself don't tear up and guess what you do. However, I am learning to be self forgiving. The thing about this site is that I am learning that my reactions aren't unusual, don't make me less but makes me more. I am human, I hurt, I cry and if you see it so what, build a bridge and get over it