Why do people lie?

[Fadeaway]

For me? Honestly? Because people ask way too personal questions. It might seem like an innocent question to them, but because of my history, there are no simple answers, and when I don't want to explain something I give a canned response.

"Do you have kids?" This is the worst one for me, I dread answering the question because it isn't a simple yes or no for me. If I say yes, it opens the door for too many question and then people end up apologizing for asking and I end up having to console them because they feel bad for asking. So I just say no.

"Why did you move to this state?" Easy answer, my husbands job. The truth is we moved her to be closer to our fertility specialist.

"What do you do for a living?" Easy answer, I am a homemaker. Truth is I am disabled and the farthest thing from a domestic goddess, but I don't like telling people I am disabled.

"What about your parents?" Mom died when I was young, didn't know my dad raised by my grandparents (Partial truth, my mom dies when I was 22 but I don't want to explain that I was removed from my mothers care as a child and that is why I lived with my grandparents. Dad situation is slightly more complicated and I don't even know how to explain that honestly)

So yes, if I don't know you well, and you ask me a personal question that touches on my past that I don't want to discuss or explain, I will lie. I despise all personal questions from strangers really, and I don't like the spot light on me, So I will lie if it gets the attention off of me and onto someone else quick. I suck in social situations, I don not know how to manipulate a conversation well to redirect to another topic so I lie using the most generic statements I can think of so I am not interesting enough to be asked more questions.

I lie to my husband and tell him that an appointment is a 1/2 earlier than it is because he can never be anywhere on time. I set the alarm clock 1/2 hour earlier than he thinks it is set for for the same reason. If he loses his job because he is late too often it affects me, and if I try and talk to him about it I am being a nag.

I also feel compelled to confess once I have gotten to know someone.

 

[A Soldiers Wife]

Lies...
I don't know exactly why people lie, people who aren't trying to minipulate you, or have an ulterior motive.
My son is a compulsive lier, he is 15 and has done it his whole life. I have always thanked him when he told the truth to encourage him to tell the truth. He still insists on telling lie after lie and lie about his lies. I can read him like an open book and he knows that too, yet he will continue to dig a deeper hole for himself. I catch him in the act of doing something and he will blatantly lie to my face that he wasn't doing it and that I didn't see him doing it and that I'm lieing about it... you would think after 15yrs I would just be numb to his lies but I'm not, it still stabs me in the heart every time.
My husband, since returning from his last deployment, has started down a road of lies. And I give him every opportunity to own up. I have been so patient with him, with the PTSD but all the lieing is ripping me apart. It's not that he just lies about bigger things to spare hurting me but he lies about the stupid little shit too... why???
He had drill the last 2 weeks and during that time my son lied and lied and lied and stole from me and lied about that and got defensive and played the guilt game with me "you never believe me, I'm your son and you don't ever trust me...". I am patient, I look for the best in people, I try my hardest to rationalize and be understanding, but even I have limits! Last night I caught my husband lieing to me and I snapped and I broke down... he got very defensive, stuck to his lie, made me feel like crap (more then I already did and still do), made me feel guilty and then just shut me out. Yes, I reacted badly, insensitively, irrationally and impulsively. I regret it and I confessed that to him and appoligized... he lies to me and here I am apologizing to him.

Lies, no matter how small and insignificant they are, hurt when they come from loved ones. Even withholding information, with good intentions, is still a lie. Lies create tension and stress and guilt. It may hurt the person to tell them the truth, it may hurt you, it may be embarrassing... the truth always comes out one way or another, why not just be honest to yourself and to others? Why lie to someone you love, who loves you and wants nothing but the best for you? Why burry yourself in unnessary guilt and stress that's just going to eat at you and get worse when the truth finally comes out? Stop digging the hole deeper, put the shovel down, and climb out of the hole! It may be difficult but I bet those who are truly there for you, truly love you, will be holding their hand out to help you out of the hole! Trust in those you love, respect them and give them the chance to show you they are they for you... give them a chance!

I have learned to read lies very well and I understand that most people lie because it's their first instinct and a natural defensive reaction. Once the lie is out there it's harder to admit you lied, it's hard to say "I don't know why I just told you that, it's not true and I'm sorry. This is the truth...". You feel ashamed that you just lied to this person you care about, that trusts you and at that point it's "easier" to just go with it... because they believe you and trust you and they wont ever find out...........................

Sorry I can't answer your question, I wish I could! I do know there isn't an easy answer, and that each individual has their own reason be it mental trauma, mental illness, conditioning as a child/adult, fear... just because they can, because they want to, they enjoy it, they don't care... I could go on all day! If you do find an easy answer PLEASE let me know!
Sorry for the long post, touchy subject for me

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I normally find that people lie to gain something. That could be anything. Even if it is to look good, that is gaining attention. To cover something up? Also gaining something. Your cover up.

If I pick apart lies, I always find that person was trying to gain something.

Lies to ourselves? I think we all do that to an extent but its still to gain something. Hiding from the past? Gaining cover. Can't handle the truth? Gaining an easier life or however you want to put that.

I mean, when you really sit there and pick it all apart, gaining something is at the base or else why do it? To do something and to continue doing that something you always need to be gaining something from it or else you wouldn't continue to do it. That is why Dr Phil tends to ask a lot "what are you gaining from doing this?" It's the same for lying.

 

[Deadman]

Sixty percent of people lie often, at least once every ten minutes.

Really? I don't even speak every ten minutes. I can't imagine how much talking you'd have to do to lie every ten minutes.

 

[anthony]

So why lie?

We all lie, little to big things... it seems to be human to protect ourselves to promoting ourselves more than what is.

I guess its always about the size and nature.

I don't like lies. I can live with it, because I accept everyone does it... to me, its simply the context and impact of a lie that determines whether I continue having that person within any of my circles.

 

[I need to heal]

My eldest daughter & I have experienced so many lies, false promises made, or make- up gifts that came at a very high price. Recently it happened again & we were both left asking each other - where are we going wrong, she was aware of the lies but this one was a blatant 'in your face, not a blink of the eye' kinda lie - you think you should be used to it but we never do. We have seen this person so many times dig their self a bigger grave that makes it harder each time to forgive & to continue to love.
She again sadly needed my answer because she too now was confused: how could he say he couldn't afford her school jacket, an educational expense (the only thing he pays) , to then when she calls him at the uniform shop to be verbally abused on the phone only then to suffer further humiliation when his credit card declines. Later he 'makes it up to her, & says I'll take you shopping, - she has to help pick which Armani suit fits him best - oh & don't forget the new shoes; her thought- 'how many school jackets would that have cost. Resignation & despondency creep in again.
A few weeks later a school trip requires payment: he says give it to your mother, we gently remind that I had paid for the school shoes, school books, uniforms & extra curricular expense - the battle ensues, tell her I will pay 50% he says, which is met with a NO, he arranges a meeting to discuss with her, but the meeting leads to him again talking about himself, another holiday away - she needs to be excited for him because he has booked a trip to Italy for himself to get away. Picking the right moment, she reminds him again about her school trip, for which the response is your mother will need to pay. He tells her how he paid for her diving trip last year.... she freezes, horrified... thinking should she tell 'no, she says, I'm pretty sure Mum paid for that too, he tells her she is wrong, & not to disrespect: 'he says if it wasn't for me & all that I do for you'.... it is here she drifts away - remembering how her mother on that day had given the credit card for the diving trip for which she had personally gone to accounts & paid.
She sees how her mother has deteriorated since a car accident & from some bullying at work. She sees the heartache when her mother too tells her about how the people she worked for have told so many lies. It's life, I guess it happens & sadly for me it's no longer a surprise- she says. She remembers when she saw the passion in her mothers eyes: talking about all the things at work they could do, excited about making improvements & being part of a team - she loved hearing the ideas, a share portfolio for staff, translation services, double beds in maternity ward for fathers to 'room in', a la carte/room service menu in maternity, customer service training, name badges worn for staff, daily movement sheet, newsletter written by each ward to educate others, & so many more.... she saw over time how her mother became disillusioned & worn down, these people were cheating her & using her & wearing her into the ground. She convinced the mother to take it further, but wishes now she hadn't, for when her mother told what happened, & of how she had also been hurt by other things done, the report came back showing they denied it, they LIED. The hard lesson for both - DONT TRUST ANYONE. The knowledge they have both gained: when you have something someone else wants be prepared for them to lie.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear @I need to heal , I know this is so disheartening, but just suggesting humbly perhaps it's a better option to avoid emphasizing the 'let downs' with your(?) daughter and if feasible pay for it and go to him yourself privately. Just because he is still her father- she is '1/2' of him, and children really don't need the same degree of adult perspective at that age.

If someone will always break promises or hurt you or be self-centered, it's best to make your own plans (JMHO).

 

[Deadman]

Everyone lies and not all the reasons for lying are nefarious. You can tell a small lie to spare a friends feelings. You can tell a bigger lie to save your life or protect the lives of others. Lying is neither good nor bad. Its the intention behind the lie that matters.

Every man whose wife has asked "Does this make my butt look big?" knows this truth. Its not the time for radical honesty :)

 

[desiderata310]

Its not the time for radical honesty

Depends on the woman.
If I have a big interview tomorrow and I want to avoid the bubble butt look, I WANNA KNOW that it doesn't make my ass look like two rhinos fighting under a tent and don't WANT my 'feelings spared'. I want to know that the other outfit is more appropriate.
Lying in a case like that? Not a good idea.
Just saying..

 

[Deadman]

Depends on the woman.

Oh I agree. My ex was the same way. Which was good because I'm inclined to say what I think. I just learned to be a little more diplomatic than saying something like 'no bigger than normal' or "Oh my God yes'.

 

[desiderata310]

:laugh:
Deadman, you and I would get along fine.
"No bigger than normal"
would have been countered by me with "yeah but does it look BAD or does it look GOOD"

you don't know what I like:D

 

[EmmaOwl]

All I know is that I'm excellent at lying, have had some very good reasons in my life to use that, and I feel very guilty about it.
Seriously, I think I am an evil person just because I am a good liar. "What's wrong with me, that I can lie this way?" I have wondered this about myself in the past. "It can't be good."

Sometimes it can be simple, like to alleviate boredom. It may be the mark of a creative person. ? Lots of reasons. I think you need to think up a specific type of situation to really question this.