Paralyzed with fear

[mylunareclipse]

I was going to update that my insurance answered and they will pay the fee for the new therapist. So I will see her for a second appointment on Monday!!!
I don't think I would not have done this without your help Bearlinda! The little steps really helped. Once they were done I couldn't understand why I had thought this was so extremely hard.

I am looking forward to meeting my new therapist, but I have also randomly exploded in tears several times a day from the pain I feel from losing my previous therapist.

I saw her for two year and we ultimately had to part ways. As embarrassed as I am to admit the pain of rejection hurts too much. I just start sobbing and thinking if I had been better maybe she would have liked me better. Why could she not even say I am sorry for your loss after I emailed her I lost my grandma and I was about to see my dad for the first time after six years at her funeral. Why couldn't she be there for me? Somehow I have fulfilled the prophecy that I am invisible.

Hope you are doing ok as well Bearlinda and thank you again. It means a lot. Wishing you a good Sunday ahead.

 

[shimmerz]

The really cool thing is that you asked for help here and look at what happened!

I think more important than the actions you took about your insurance issue, is the fact that you actually 'mythbusted' your thoughts around you being able to ask for help. Which you did, successfully here.

Congratulations to you on being so brave. Try and carry those successes with you as you continue to chip away at the isolating and faulty thought patterns that trauma can plant in our heads.

 

[Teasel]

Really pleased for you re the new therapist :-)

Sorry to hear you feel so rejected by your old T. I react similarly powerfully when something triggers feelings of abandonment. But grounding techniques and meditation are making a huge difference to how debilitating that is.

Somehow I have fulfilled the prophecy that I am invisible.

Because your T isn't staying in touch?

Thanks for the well wishes. Friday was a horrible horrible day for me but yesterday and today have been pretty good :-)

 

[mylunareclipse]

I am sorry you had a hard time Friday. Glad it is better. Hang in there and keep fighting :)

 

[mylunareclipse]

Congratulations to you on being so brave. Try and carry those successes with you as you continue to chip away at the isolating and faulty thought patterns that trauma can plant in our heads.

Thank you! I didn't even think of that, but you are right! Thank you for your kind words. It feels nice to get positive acknowledgement and reinforcement like this.

 

[lady truck driver]

Occasionalfealt this frozen feeling. I take a temporary break from the pressures and try to escape with some good healthy food and getting absorbed in television for awhile. If I don't have much time then I take a nap. I can relate to the frozen feeling you are talking about.

 

[mylunareclipse]

I thought I would give a small update. July has been better than June.

I have gone back to seeing my therapist

Sorry interrupted by mistake. I have gone back to seeing my old therapist and we seem to have a better relationship now, but I have also made a huge change in my diet. I have decided to give up gluten! It might seem like a fad, but my brain has never been as clear as in the last month!

 

[ladee]

Happy to hear you are doing so much better !! and fad or not, this seems to be helping many people.... keep us updated... I might have to give it a go myself.... Congratulations for keeping on trying to find ways to get healthy !!!

 

[mylunareclipse]

Thank you!
Hoenstly I would tell everyone to give it a try. If being in a fog is a problem you might see a huge difference. I still feel emotions. I still feel sad or might cry occasionally, which is why I still need to go to therapy and work on things, but it's like my baseline has shifted.
I got tested and I don't have celiac based on a blood test, but I still am thinking to stay this way. I ate some cake and drank some beer a week or two after starting the gluten free diet and I felt so so awful. I feel a bit embarrassed to say this has helped me, as I try not to follow fads, but honestly it has.

 

[anthony]

Diet is a huge factor in mental health. Many discard it as irrelevant, yet a healthy diet and exercise can do wonders for symptoms.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

Gluten was my gateway discovery into my gut/brain/overall wellness connection. I used to vend at a farmer's market on Saturday mornings. After it was over, I always had to go straight home and lay down because of the pain of my swollen ankles, lower back, calf muscles, couldn't think straight, didn't have energy to even make a decision, was moody as all get out, just hurt all over, etc. Sleep was my best friend as it was the closest I could get to death without the commitment.

Gave up gluten for a week, at the suggestion of a registered dietitian after she thoroughly explained the reasoning to me, along with her personal experiences. The next Saturday, before I realized it, I noticed I had gone to the grocery store, the hardware store, started a load of laundry, and was preparing to fix a meal after I'd worked the market that morning. Holy shit!!! I sat down and cried. Finally....after years and years of suffering, I had connected dots that no doctor or specialist ever managed to.

Later on, after more ongoing suffering and the threat of surgery thanks to an ER visit, I begrudgingly decided to try to give up meat, dairy, eggs, caffeine, alcohol, and most highly processed artificial "foods", colors, scents, flavors, etc. At first I was still convinced I'd die without them, based on what I learned in school, However, I stuck with it thanks to the one on one help of a local plant-based consumer and eventually lost 110 lbs and got my life back in ways I never thought were possible, especially based on what the doctors were telling me, like, "Just get used to it.", "It's simply things that come with age." ,"You'll have to take these pills the rest of your life to enjoy any quality of life.", etc. etc. I used to believe them wholeheartedly, now I call bullshit.

Our daily energetic exchanges with self, others, and all living things really matters, from what I've experienced. The product itself isn't the only thing we absorb/digest. After looking behind all the curtains, I'm no longer okay with the state of things that must happen to get certain things to a dinner plate. It's rather sickening, to say the least. It seems we're kept too busy and distracted to notice, more often than not.

It took me and my body breaking down and having to completely step out of the life I once knew to be able to see it. It took desperation and an ER visit to catapult me into actually acting on it, though. I definitely didn't ease into healthy changes throughout my life, as I've lived most of my life being an example of what NOT to do. I also felt I'd been through enough shit and didn't want to make myself suffer anymore by denying myself what I craved and such. I was determined to keep viewing all of that stuff as a "treat". That's how I ended up almost bed ridden, completely miserable, and weighing in at over 300 lbs. But no professional ever discussed food choices, and my yearly blood work repeatedly came back as being "okay", so I never questioned anything. I question every damn thing now.

My gluten-free whole food plant-based vegan fork, my breath, and fun daily movement are three of my most powerful therapeutic tools. It's a huge tool box, though, full of things I never imagined I'd partake in based on how I was previously programmed, but damn glad I did. Best wishes in finding even more of your various flavors of relief. Thanks for sharing!

 

[mylunareclipse]

Thank you for sharing your experience Tornadic Thoughts. I hate that there's not more "eclectic" doctors out there. People who can see a little further, and try to explore different options with people. I believe for many years my body was in huge inflammation mode. I think the link between gut health, inflammation and mental health is just at the beginning. Hey isn't most of our serotonin found in the gut anyway?
Unfortunately, similar to your experience Tornadic Thoughts, I am starting to try to trust more my feelings and not just go with what a Dr. may prescribe. They prescribe things, and then they prescribe other things to fix the things that the first things they prescribed caused. I went to a dermatologist for instance and he prescribed me a drug that fixed my face, but sent me into depression and changed my hormones in crazy ways as well as made me gain weight. Exercise is another things that probably works better than most drugs out there! When I discovered yoga two years ago was a life changing event. I had a body and it felt good to have one. No pill out there could have given me what yoga was/has been giving me. Bottom line is that while I do believe drugs can be a short term fix to things, long term it's more important to understand what our body wants and needs. Our body is capable of taking care of itself, of coming back to homeostasis, we just need to give it the right tools to do so.