Male vs. female

[agirls]

My therapist is a female. All of mine have been female. I was sexually abused by both a male neighbor and by my father. I don't think I'd be comfortable taking to a man about any of that.

 

[ladee]

I have had both. I didn't trust any of them.. in the beginning... the first female T I had, had a bigger attachment to me, than I did to her, but she was an awesome T.... One male T that was just awesome also, but we did a different kind of therapy, so I was very comfortable with him.... others, they were for maintenance, one very young man, did not work... one female that was ok for family therapy, but was not assertive enough for me....

My first T was no nonsense and I really liked that about her... she read me from the start, and I didn't feel threatened, I was glad we didn't have to waste a lot of time on unconscious games I had learned to play... So, if they know what they are doing, it doesn't matter to me...

 

[whiteraven]

I didn't seek out a male or female. (Truthfully, I think I'd rather see a cat or a dog.) I've had both and have had issues with both. And I'm honestly not sure gender had anything to do with progress or lack thereof. But I do believe that having a male therapist this last 5 years is helping me work through some serious trust issues I have with men that I would not be able to work out with a female. He has violated my trust once in a major way and we are very gradually working our way through it. I have *never* been able to do that with another person, much less a man. Dealing with all the anger and fear has just always felt too dangerous. But he is taking responsibility for his part, accepting my anger and my fear, and not retaliating (as I feared, even though a good therapist would never do that).

I almost quit and moved on after this, but I finally decided to try one more time (my distrust generally was way too great to find someone else).

Glad I did.

 

[UnicornSightings]

I really couldn't pick a guy T because I don't think they care about feelings. As someone trying to avoid numbing out it was/is important to have someone that would care about them.

And I don't mean that to sound cruel to any men here, just isn't my experience of them. They are more about facts and really blunt approaches (again, in my experience)

 

[whiteraven]

I really couldn't pick a guy T because I don't think they care about feelings. As someone tryi...

Yeah. I know what you mean. I had a really awesome female therapist. And then I had a couple who were really horrible. The therapist I have now is a Buddhist practitioner (Zen priest, actually) and he is the most compassionate, caring person I have known. He has issues, but he works so far outside the box sometimes I can't follow him. I really like him.

 

[UnicornSightings]

Yeah. I know what you mean. I had a really awesome female therapist. And then I had a couple who w...

Omg amazing! I'm really into meditation and I would love that! I'm happy for you! Yeah, I'm sure some guys MUST care???? I've just never met one lol.

 

[Friday]

I really couldn't pick a guy T because I don't think they care about feelings. As someone trying to avoid numbing out it was/is important to have someone that would care about them.

<chuckling> That's interesting, as my experience & perception is the opposite. If I want my feelings protected, taken into account, & serious help dealing with them? It's usually been men who intuitively know how to do exactly that.

My experience is that men's feeling tend to be deeper/harder/faster and need a lot more logic and solution-ing applied to be able to deal with them... While women's feelings tend to be a lot more on the surface, yet also a lot less delicate. Like things that build up a toughness from friction.

As an example?

If I'm sitting perfectly still & outwardly calm? Women (both counselors & friends) tend to take that as what I'm feeling is still & calm. Men (both counselors & friends) tend to take one look at me and go "Oh shit. What's wrong? You are about to f*cking lose it, aren't you?" ... And ditto the reverse. If I'm storming about ranting and raving? Women tend to freak out "OMG! What's wrong? What did I do? What do you need? How can we fix this? Talk to me talk to me talk to me!" :eek: While men tend to lean back, kind of snicker, & say "Lemme know when you're done with that."

^^^
For ME the more stereotypically male response? Is the right one. The big emotions I need help with? When I am about to lose my damn mind? Still waters. If I'm thrashing about throwing a fit? Pfft. Nothing to worry about.

These are massive generalities. Individuals always vary. There are women who tend to think/act more stereotypically male, and men who tend to think/act more stereotypically female.

So, for me, it depends very much on the individual. How do they, themselves, respond/react to me, read me, etc.

If I want to stack the deck in my favor? I'll generally turn towards men. But some of my absolute best finds, have been women. <<< In part I suspect that's because I'm a chick. While SOME things about me are more stereotypically male? Others are more stereotypically female. So whether the therapist is male or female themselves? Matters less than their knowing and understanding how to deal with me.

 

[Beans]

So far I've had 2 (one for 3 months, i started knowing she'd be leaving, but i wanted to start straightaway. i typically don't count her. The 2nd was the one she recommended to me who I was with almost 3 yrs) both were women and helped immensely. I'm beginning again tomorrow and I'd like to have a man this time. I think a male perspective is right for me at the moment. I need to learn to relate to men in a more trusting way. I've only known and viewed them as manipulative users thus far (lol sorry, just the men in my family and the ones I've chosen due to my shit) and I need better experiences to re-calibrate.

 

[anonymous]

What @Friday said....

 

[UnicornSightings]

<chuckling> That's interesting, as my experience & perception is the opposite. If I want my feelings pro...

Oh man, if a guy snickered while I was freaking out I would be SO out of there! If I'm freaking out in session my t will patiently wait but she would never laugh at me. She takes my feelings seriously while also stressing they are only feelings and will pass. She's definitely what I need right now.

 

[Mach123]

Yes I see women because it was sexual abuse and I could never have talked about it with another man. I did sit with a man for a couple years and we did some work but at the end of the day I just couldn't talk about it with him. He was a good man and a good therapist. He got me through a lot of stuff that was going on during those years that was "symptomatic" but I never really opened up with him. Even now, the stuff I'm doing in therapy I would never have done with him.

 

[kilted]

If you look at the psychotherapy journey, in the first stages, there is a lot of projection/transference going on so a beginning client isn't going to form a good bond with a therapist who triggers negative transference. This first stage of therapy is often about learning to talk openly with someone and explore one's own blocks, fears and fantasies. This stage is about exploring the presenting symptoms that are impacting on life. Many people find this is enough, and regard therapy as complete when symptoms have been alleviated.

Once this is well under way and the client has gained enough self-awareness to handle more psychological stressors the client can move therapists, deliberately choosing one who triggers negative transference. If done well the second relationship explores the transference deeply, using what is happening "in the room" instead of concentrating on the past and situations out of the room.

It's all about stress..... too much and there is a reinforcing effect on the original issue, too little and there is no change. A good process involves the therapist "titrating up" the stressors as the client explores their reactions and their ability to handle different stressors improves.