you are putting off going to the ER for what hopefully is nothing life threatening, but I guess it could be, bc you are afraid you can't pay the ER bill or what Medicaid doesn't pick up.
I don't think it's life threatening. There's no fever; I'm still completely functional. If I go to the ER, I am putting my son at risk of getting sick unnecessarily, all because I let my anxiety get the best of me. The ER is swarming with viruses and illness, and if I go there for what amounts to a skin rash and swollen lymph nodes over something that may be as minor as an allergic reaction ... my son may end up getting sicker than I am, and his little body isn't as well equipped to deal with it. So, I'm going to call around and find a doctor tomorrow, ask them to bill me later, and go that route. If any of the symptoms get worse, I'll consider the ER, but right now that seems like it would make matters worse.
Anxiety is just going to make matters worse. So I will stay grounded and remind myself that it's most likely something minor like an allergic reaction. My son seems fine; he's got no rashes. I don't think it could be caused by any of his vaccinations; his last vaccination was more than a month ago.
The good news is the rash isn't getting any worse. It's not really improving either, but it's not worse, which seems to be a good sign. If anything, i need to work out a plan for the future in case I get sick and need someone to take care of my son. Because honestly, I realized last night that is the main source of my anxiety in this situation -- the fear that stems from knowing there is no one to take care of my son if I get very sick and require hospital care. My mind goes to the worst-case scenarios precisely because deep down I know that I'm not prepared to deal with a situation where, god forbid, I get cancer or some terminal illness. So this rash and lump, which are probably something minor, get magnified in my mind and turn into a dire situation.
I think my anxiety is really stemming from the realization on some subconscious level that I NEED to have a plan in place in case I do get deathly ill. I'm not saying it's likely to happen, but it could. I know a woman my age, 32, who has terminal cancer and is leaving behind a 4-year-old. That 4-year-old still will have her dad, but my son won't have anybody if I go. (I realize that sounds dramatic, but I also know it's realistic -- I have to be more aware of my own mortality than I was before when I didn't have a child. I think watching this woman battle cancer recently has played with my mind a bit and made me fear the worst.)
Thank you all for bearing with me and offering advice -- it actually calmed me down to have you guys to turn to, and it means the world to me that you all cared so much to chime in. I will provide an update on the mystery illness when I get to a doctor in a few days, and again, thank you all for being so kind!