Sufferer Child sexual assault survivor struggling to share in therapy

[EveHarrington]

If you're not going to be honest with your therapist you might as well quit right now as you're wasting time and money. If you can't be honest, therapy is pointless. Sometimes you've gotta just jump in and DO IT.

 

[NewBeginnings]

If you're not going to be honest with your therapist you might as well quit right now as you're w...

I question this. One one hand yes I agree on another it may not be so clear for me. Honesty has degrees of honesty. If that makes sense. When I was asked about trauma - I answered how I best thought at the time. I didn't consider it a real lie at the time. Regarding my CSA - I hadn't really considered anything wrong with that. My T didn't directly ask about being raped and it didn't seem relevant so I didn't mention it.

I was asked if I ever hurt myself to which I answered no and after six months i was able to tell her about my failed suicide attempt when I was younger- now I see I was lucky but my mom found me 3 days later and thought I was sick with mono- my OD resulted in throwing up in my sleep and being asleep for 3 days in a basement room. I knew not to share. There were a few different factors in my secrecy and more details but I lied in the beginning.

I was asked about future plans of suicide and I said my t didn't need to worry about me- well here I am so no harm done but my SI was really strong and I felt really close but had planned a particle date. I knew the consequences of brutal honesty and I couldn't go there. I know this is a risky path. In the meantime working on other areas and being on meds has changed my mindset.

And is it not being honest if at the time you think it to be true?

I have gotten a lot of help from T and if I quit because I couldn't face the truth then I would 't have gotten help I so desperately need.

I responded about my experience because that is all I know. Sure - I would like to not lie but sometimes I couldn't help myself. Make sense?

 

[Lost in Idaho]

Okay . I've been seeing a counsellor for nearly a year. She is kind, honest and has tried lots to...

I really wish i could just whip out the perfect thing to say to make you feel better but I'm struggling with the same thing.. I'm really sorry that you are having those feelings. I know... great words... just made it all better huh? Obviously i think there is a chance for things to turn it right and so do you or why would we be on here reaching out to strangers. I'm only 36 but very slowly i am learning that regardless of what others think of me or my situation i have to decide what i want to remember and make of myself from here out. It's hard but not impossible. All i can say is please don't give up. I'm on here to find strong men and women who was able to overcome all the crap cause it helps me to keep trying to. Good luck.

 

[Deleted member 42957]

I really wish i could just whip out the perfect thing to say to make you feel better but I'm struggling with the...

Thank you for your reply. I am sorry you too are struggling with this. I am really surprised how I feel after joining this group and how supportive people are of each other:)
Yes I do believe things can turn out right for us. I have always had to do things alone with no help. I'm very stubborn and think I can manage everything and have never asked for help. Normally I would struggle even if it meant hurting myself or going without to do it alone. I am always helping everyone else. I don't allow myself time to sit and think about what I want or need and when I do I feel guilty that I shouldn't be resting when I know someone else could do with my help. So getting help with this is strange. I need to accept that I do need help. I also find it hard when people are being kind to me or paying me compliments. My T is very kind but when I'm in session I want her to be angry with me, shout at me and give me a hard time? I don't know why. Like I'm angry that she is kind to me?
I will go back to counselling sometime but I have to stop avoiding myself first.
You sound like a strong person who no matter how long it takes, is going to get through this and shine at the other end. Thank you again. Good luck to you too.

 

[NewBeginnings]

I am always helping everyone else. I don't allow myself time to sit and think about what I want or need and when I do I feel guilty that I shouldn't be resting when I know someone else could do with my help.

There are so many of your posts that I can relate to. Sorry you are struggling. I too always want to give and do for others - the trouble is that eventually we will become exhausted. I am married with 3 boys and I am not believing I am in a space to share with them. It is hard.

I am sorry to hear that you had to take a break with your therapist but maybe that is the catalyst to bring you to a new level of understanding for yourself.

I relate to wanting to be angry with your T . I left several sessions with my T and she was kind and I would leave so annoyed. I wanted her to be mad at me. I was hoping she would say don't come back. (As hard as T is- if I have an appointment I have an incredibly hard time to cancel.) anyway finally I decided to write it all out. I wrote a letter of all the reasons I wanted her to be angry with me and handed it to her at the end of a session. The next week She thanked me and complimented me (The opposite of what I wanted- I think)
She encouraged me to do that anytime and said she thinks I expect her to be angry because that is what I know. I am waiting to be punished because that is what I lived. She has related this to my being fully honest - I was punished for typical child behaviors.

Good Luck on this journey- there is truly lots of support here (and at the same time a great forum to challenge some of our thoughts).

 

[Lori0122]

Okay . I've been seeing a counsellor for nearly a year. She is kind, honest and has tried lots to...

I can completely relate to this and I think a lot of people can. I've been with my T for a year and a half and I JUST recently got over the not-able-to-talk-about stuff enough for her to help as much as I needed her to. It was so frustrating, maybe for her too but she never showed it. I've been in therapy for years and getting over this hump makes me feel like I have a real chance. And, having just about said it all that this point, I know now that it's so much worse to keep it in. Here's what worked for me: I wrote "emails" in the notes app on my phone. I didn't have to decide then if I sent them or not. At first, I did not and often quickly deleted them. I know now that this, sort of "practicing" to send emails, made it easier later to actually send them. I also told her about this and she encouraged me to send them but also didn't pressure me. But sending emails is scary, ugh!!!! Still, as hard as they were, each one helped and once I was actually sending them, they became an important part of steering the session in the right direction quickly so we could work through it. (Instead of me stressing about bringing something up and then spending the whole season NOT talking about it and leaving more worked up than when I went in.) There is a way that will help you open up more to your T...find out what works for you and hang in there. I'm so glad I did.

 

[Deleted member 42957]

@crying.on.inside.
For me I think that I try to help others all the time to try and prove to myself that I can do good things and to keep me busy ( not that two teenagers don't lol). Family do start to take advantage though and I cannot say no.
I can understand feeling not in a space to share with your husband and boys too.
It was a good idea of yours to write and say the reason why you want T to be mad with you, I will try this when I start again. I too can relate to anger towards you from others being what you know and have lived with. This is very true for me aswell.I expect to be hurt/ humiliated/shouted at and used. It's hard to remember that not everyone is like that.I'm always on guard.
Thank you for your support and best of luck with your journey.

 

[Deleted member 42957]

I can completely relate to this and I think a lot of people can. I've been with my T for a year and a...

This sounds like a good thing to try. I'm pleased it worked for you. I think I would feel more in control of what we talked about too rather than just going in panicking because I don't know what we will try to discuss.
I will find a way. It's good to hear that you did. Thank you

 

[Lost in Idaho]

Thank you for your reply. I am sorry you too are struggling with this. I am really surprised how...

As far as the wanting your t to yell and everything. I've thought the same thing. Mine is a very petite woman a little younger Than me who is always kind of perky. She tries to be sympathetic but it makes of more annoying and i want her to yell or something so it can feel like i can yell. Otherwise she is being nice why would i get worked up?? It kind of forces me not to be able to talk. It feels like I'm being fake. I would never hit someone but to be able to just let go. My problem is that i have multiple events/ people/ reasons but i am dull missing a huge chunk of myself and it makes me mad. I have a huge amount of my life i can't even remember. Anyways... Thank you for Being on here.

 

[Deleted member 42957]

As far as the wanting your t to yell and everything. I've thought the same thing. Mine is a ver...

I totally get what you are saying. My T says she knows I'm angry and wants to see it but 1, I've never allowed myself to show I'm angry and 2, like you say, when she is sitting opposite and being kind calm and gentle I feel that's how I should behave. Letting go would be a taste of freedom.
Im sorry that you are missing a large part of yourself and your life. I wish I could say something really useful to you like others do but im useless with words.
Im here if you need someone.

 

[Lost in Idaho]

Thank you

 

[talon]

Okay . I've been seeing a counsellor for nearly a year. She is kind, honest and has tried lots to...

I understand this working with a client with DID who had 20 inner people they talked to me and i shared with client who at first was angry as they revealed things she wished me not to know . Ashamed and feeling worthless eventually her inner people from a 2 yr old to teens to adults revealed everything and released them from their time capsule of pain. Nothing is your fault but please don't call yourself a victim you are a survivor who has finally become to understand it's good to talk. If you can't talk face to face write it down and let your writing speak for you and soon you will be able to do this for yourself . I am here with others for you