Is my vet's ptsd to blame for my sons behavior?

[Nomihe]

I apologize then. I'll be honest, you did come across as an overprotective helicopter parent, so thank you for clarifying.

 

[Usuro]

He is my oldest child. Actually I get along with him quite well, he is never aggressive towards me or his younger siblings... and when I ask him to do or not do do something he is typically obedient. If he is closely supervised he is an easy to parent kid...
but then there is his daycare teacher who says that what he does is not normal and of course she has seen a lot of children. I also see this on the playing ground when he tries to "boss around" the other kids. I noticed he is nearly always the most bossy kid on the play ground who demands the other boys to as he says and if one of the other boys breaks one of his "rules" he shoves and calls them names and so on.
One-to-one interaction with a grown-up no problem, but around other kids, especially boys, big problem. Highly aggressive, impulsive and bossy kid.

I wish it was not the case but I fear that there is no denying it though I have tried for a while and tried to believe people who said he was illbehaved just did not "get him", liked girls better then boys and so on. His father because of his PTSD can also be quite snobby and bossy and taking risks.

 

[Nomihe]

That is very typical of first borns. I agree that the bossiness is a concern but I feel the daycare person is wrong on it not being normal. I feel that is a separate issue to the climbing that can be resolved When you catch him being bossy, do you ask him how he would feel if another kids was being bossy to him? Honestly, if he is getting ready to start kindergarten, I would wait and see what a kindergarten teacher has to say. Unless the daycare teacher was a licensed preschool teacher, a kindergarten teacher is going to have a much better grasp on the situation. Of course it wouldn't hurt to discuss your concerns ahead of time.

 

[Kofafo]

I see so few chances for an highly aggressive and impulsive male to flourish in our society and am afraid that if we encourage it to much that he will end up a misfit.

Sports.

They provide both an outlet & teach the discipline needed to know when to use restraint & when to let loose.

There are sports for all personality types. Team or solo. Competitive to recreational. "Sporty" to "artsy"*. Gameish to practical. You've already got one (climbing), which naturally blends into several other full body 3D spatial awareness sports, depending on his personality.

He may not stay a little athlete, (and yes, sit quietly & color & mind your manners & be nice to everyone at all times über-feminine dominated schools may prove to be a pain), but if he does stay very physical? There are tons of both athletic scholarships & aggressively physical fields that very determined & confident men do very well in. At every eschelon. Blue collar to white collar. (And you might be surprised, nearly all jobs have both physical & sendentary positions. Take medicine; surgeons, for example are an extremely physical white collar job. 14 hours standing alone is extremely difficult, let alone the precision & skill needed to perform tiny movements adapting to rapidly changing circumstances whilst standing for 14 hours!) And if he doesn't make the focus of his life's work physical? He may still "just" choose to live a very active and healthy lifestyle outside of a more sedentary occupation.

Breathe, Mama & Papa. :D It's gonna be okay.

 

[Cerep]

"Between their fourth and fifth birthdays, children: Are active and have lots of energy and may be aggressive in their play" (more in depth list here: Young Children's Development: What to Expect
Here's another link to a guide for 3-5 year olds: Learn what your preschooler needs to thrive.

If "blame is to be assigned, it's more likely that the entire familial dynamic is more "to blame" for a child's behavior than one member's PTSD if in fact the boy's behavior is becoming disruptive perhaps there are some suggestions about "learning rules" and/or how to accept acclimate better to the concept of a classroom - it's really common for little boys and girls to do.

It struck me as a bit more than odd that a child would say, "I'm gonna give you PTSD" or some such. I think I'd explore avenues to address it within a cognitively appropriate framework.

Turning everything into a "gun", isn't all that uncommon but considering the climate these days and the "no tolerance" policies that are instituted in many places... That would also be an actionable item to research, request assistance for, and address.

Doesn't strike me as so much a behavior issue or even a parenting issue... as an oldest child hitting a stage in cognitive development that is showing some areas to work through.

Just my take.

 

[Oradu]

The snobby and bossy behavior and shoving other kids is concerning. While much of what you describe is normal, saying sheeple isn't good. It's common kids mimic the behavior of their pretax He's picking up not on PTSD, but the snobby and bossy behavior of his dad.

I think his dad needs to make a few changes - is he willing?

 

[Toceke]

No, he is most unwilling to change. Because of his PTSD he thinks that other people are sheeple and that he is smarter then them. That makes him snobby and at times also bossy,
He believes other people are genuinely, genuinely stupid, cannot watch out for themselves and have no idea how dangerous life really is and because of that he is bossy and has a gazillion of rules.

He does not always show it. Actually he often acts quite modest around stranger, but he is snobby and know-it-allish inside because of his illness and often will talk bad about the sheeple if they are not listening.

 

[Wiwo]

"because of his illness"?... Wow, I think you're minimizing.

 

[Izom]

cannot watch out for themselves and have no idea how dangerous life really is

I'd tend to agree with this. I don't think most people are stupid, just often oblivious to what's going on around them. Probably because life still feels long and safe for them.
It can be very frustrating to see it in so many people, especially when some oblivious person is operating a 4000lb guided missile (car), with no apparent regard for the enormous destruction they can cause, yapping away on their stupid phones, or whatever else they are doing besides watching the f*cking road.
It's infuriating when it's just you in the car. It's terrifying when someone you love is in the seat next to you.

Driving is just one example.
The fact is, life is dangerous and unfair. It's impossible to quiet the internal need to be aware of the ever present danger around you, because there are days when it feels like you are the only one who seems to see it.

It's easy to become resentful of the rest of the world when you see people acting so irresponsibly in a way that puts your loved ones in real danger and there's no excuse for it. Yet people look at you like your crazy for being worried about someone dying in some stupid accident.

Whether accidental or intentional, the consequences are the same and permanent. A stupid f*cking sorry doesn't mean anything after the fact.... and I'm going into a rant. Just going to stop that there, and refocus.

The bossy, snobby attitude and the unpleasant reaction it seems to stir in other people feels like a small price to pay to feel like you have at least some small measure of control of the world around you, when it seems like it's all gone crazy since the last time you felt anything close to "normal".

 

[Oradu]

No, he is most unwilling to change. Because of his PTSD he thinks that other people are sheeple and that he is smarter then them. That makes him snobby and at times also bossy,
He believes other people are genuinely, genuinely stupid, cannot watch out for themselves and have no idea how dangerous life really is and because of that he is bossy and has a gazillion of rules.

This kind of behavior isn't a symptom of PTSD.

It's called being a controlling jerk.

 

[Vinom]

This kind of behavior isn't a symptom of PTSD.

It's as much a symptom as believing people can't be trusted, aren't safe, are just going to abandon you, would never love someone like you, etc. so forth, and so on. Meaning, sure, none of them are individually symptoms of PTSD, but all of them are common with PTSD.

This particular one (people can't be trusted) is super common.

Cognitive distortions - Core beliefs

 

[Nomihe]

People can't be trusted is a part of PTSD, bullying and being snobby however, is not.