Home For 5 Years Now. Things Just Get Worse.

[IraqVet86]

Was Deployed in Iraq for a year and a half before/during The Surge. I have trust issues and I will not get into any details of my tour now.
Anyways, I've been home for almost 5 years now, and things are getting worse and worse. I was seeing a VA therapist from March of last year until November, but I had to quit going because things actually got quite a lot worse while I was seeing him. They had me on tele-med, like Skype. Hard to build trust with someone who is not even in the same room.
My symptoms and drinking got to a breaking point fall/winter of last year. To the point where I picked a fight with my battle and then begged him to kill me. Naturally I felt horrible when I sobered up because he has his own issues, without me asking him to play Dr. Kevorkian. I've been dry for a couple of months.
During my tour I became more and more convinced that I would not survive, my emotions became non-existent (except anger). I pretty much became numb to everything and everyone around me. My greatest problem that I have in civilian life is not being able to let go of the feeling that I will die at any moment. I have a hard time getting anything done because it just doesn't seem important as I feel I'll be dead any moment. I still have that emotional numbness that helped me carry on over there, but now it is affecting my family.
I got re-connected with the VA early last month and asked to see mental health. I have been waiting for a month and a half and my appointment is on Monday. I am so mad about having to wait, but I'm desperate for help. I even called a couple of times to try to get an earlier appointment, but they never called back.
Sorry for the rant. Also, just want to let everyone know that I really appreciate this site and everyone on it. I have been reading for a while without having the courage to post anything for myself.

 

[Sarg]

I.V.86, check the yellow pages in your town and see if they have a Vet Center near you. The Vet Center put me on the right road and their councilors are all combat Vets. Can't speak highly enough of them. I still go to Vet Center Group sessions on a regular basis and it really helps.

The folks here are great and being multinational, one gets a different slant on the "beast". Welcome and don't ever think you need courage to post here.

Sarg

 

[IraqVet86]

There is a Vet Center about 45 miles south of where I live. I have a hard time getting out of the house when I'm not at work. The only things I leave the house for is work, VA appointments, going to see a buddy, and bringing my daughter to school.
Do you think my chances of talking to someone on a more regular basis is better with a Vet Center? The VA has consistently made me wait 3 weeks to a little over a month between appointments.

Thanks Sarg.

 

[medic5]

IV 86, welcome aboard this a great site and everyone is accepting and nonjudgemental which as really helped me. You will find at least one person that does or has felt the same way as you. Just jump in and rant, vent, cry laugh or what ever you need to do to help you. We are all here to help and have each other's back.

There are a few thing you could try to get to see a therapist on a regular basis. You could call the Veterans Crisis Center and they can get you into see someone usually within 24 hours. Most vets have had good luck and success with a Vet Center. An other avenue to try is the DAV, VFW, AL and any of the other serivce organizations. Depending on where you are located depends on how helpful the vet service group is at helping.
Medic5

 

[Sarg]

2nd what Medic said and I got right in within a week. For a while there, I was doing one on ones and group each week. Made some strong bonds with some great Brothers, nothing but positive for me. But see someone soon IV86, the longer you carry this crap around in you, the more damage it does.

Here if you need me.

Sarg

 

[Jimmy1]

Welcome IV86, this is one place where you are safe and as medic 5 said, we are non judgemental and anonymous.

I returned six years ago mate, its amazing how much time flies. You are not alone either mate, most of the guys and gals on this site have experienced what your feeling. It does get better though, thats the good news.

Good luck with the appointment on Monday, and in the mean time sit down and have a read of all the articles or some of the other threads. You will find that you have an awful lot in common with us all.

By the way, if you have any other questions, just ask.

Cheers

Jimmy

 

[BV101]

Comrade IV86, following on from what Jimmy said, this is a good place to be. Reading through your intro is like a check list for most people here I should imagine.

Not me though, I'm fine, A1 and ready to go...

But you just relax here, as best you can. Its for you.

 

[IraqVet86]

I am getting started with a new guy on Monday. Not sure how it will go as I got WAY worse while talking to my last therapist/shrink. Not sure if it was the tele-med thing or just the guy.
How often should I be seeing someone to make any difference? Honestly once a month is just a frantic hour of me not knowing what to say to make this dude understand, then a month of me thinking of all the things I should have said, then clam up again when its time for another one.

 

[thedude]

Hang in there IV86 ,

I'll confirm that the Seattle Vet Center has helped me by pairing me with a counselor that knows the deal and has not had a wait list for me to talk to someone since I've seen them for about the last 90 days.

I don't like the city (who does with PTSD) but I reconned out things so I have a routine to minimize my rate of thought.

I know that talking about things is going to raise my blood pressure so I try to schedule some physical activity to burn off the excess energy and cortisol post meeting.

The counselors at the Vet centers eyes light up when they hear the same words from vet's experiencing this over and over. IMO this is a generational thing and is what veterans do for their brothers when they return. Finding a counselor that you connect with is a trial and error process but your Vet Center commander may have some luck in finding a counselor that you have a good rapport with.

Having a coping plan (lots of food and exercise, dogs, Simpsons) when things start to fall apart mentally helps me out.

I have had to try a couple attempts to find a way to get help . There is a organized fraternity of guys/gals out there to help that can empathize. Definitely can echo the comments on not getting help and letting this simmer. You have brothers that are always ready to lend aid. The first step is asking for it and helping your buds through the same thing.

Ben

 

[BV101]

IV, I was (and errrr am still) in the same boat. I came back from my old place last week, panic attacks, the whole lot. I felt much worse before, during and straight after my visit to the mentals, for like... a year. I have been with the same one for a while now.
I have a whole set of boxes under the seats... No, not real boxes obviously, they are like "issue boxes"... not opened one yet. But just to go and sit, and not be judged, and have some calm, and relax and oh, I don't know, just go with the flow. Is there a timetable? Are you being pushed to let it all out? If the answer to them is no, then just go at it one step at a time comrade.

 

[IraqVet86]

Thanks for the advice on Vet Centers. My Battle keeps on telling me about them too. Problem is the Center is smack dab in the middle of the largest city in northern Minnesota. I currently live in the sticks (about 14 miles to the nearest town of a couple hundred). I hate going to town and I usually will not go if I can't be armed. (Damn you VA!!!) Guess I'll have to just suck it up and go.
My battle also has suggested that we go to the Vet Center together. Not sure if that's a good idea, as every time we get to talking about Iraq we wind up drunk somewhere looking for a fight or so miserable I wish it was me that didn't come home.

As for a coping plan, I do my best but I spend almost all of my time at work, which is in a jail. Not a very positive place. I have booked SO many vets into the jail its not even funny, and I always feel like a traitor.
Although when I'm at home I spend most of my time with my dog, a coon hound.

 

[combatgoldfish]

Thanks for the advice on Vet Centers. My Battle keeps on telling me about them too. Problem is the Center is smack dab in the middle of the largest city in northern Minnesota. I currently live in the sticks (about 14 miles to the nearest town of a couple hundred). I hate going to town and I usually will not go if I can't be armed. (Damn you VA!!!) Guess I'll have to just suck it up and go.
My battle also has suggested that we go to the Vet Center together. Not sure if that's a good idea, as every time we get to talking about Iraq we wind up drunk somewhere looking for a fight or so miserable I wish it was me that didn't come home.

As for a coping plan, I do my best but I spend almost all of my time at work, which is in a jail. Not a very positive place. I have booked SO many vets into the jail its not even funny, and I always feel like a traitor.
Although when I'm at home I spend most of my time with my dog, a coon hound.

Military One Source is a good resource too. (www.militaryonesource.mil/)

I always laugh at those VA signs. The "No weapons allowed" with the picture of a pistol and knife. Most carry one or the others, including workers.

You have to motivate and push yourself to go there and go back home. I think of it as a military mission in my head. That works for me sometimes. I find it is easier to go there alone than try to get a battle or spouse to go. It's difficult enough trying to work with my own schedule let alone mine and a battle's.

As you know it takes a strong individual to work in that field (law enforcement, corrections) and sometimes the only difference between you and them is one bad decision. Being in that position, you certainly want to take any avenue to strengthen your mental stability. And you can take away more to help fellow veteran's that come through the corrections system and hope that some of that impacts them positively. Just my two cents.