Isn't abuse black and white?

[WishfulThinking123]

@Yasmine again-You show some great insight! Thank you for those kind words. Yes, I only put my needs first when it is in the best interest of my child- for example caring for my emotional needs is very important and I don't think selfish. I would like to add something to this point that also bothers me. If say a younger sibling, my mother or father did something that I would say hurt or bothered me- my parents would often make an excuse of oh they are just being a child. This point really bothers me- I really believe in instilling firm boundaries and teaching my son if someone says stop you need to respect them and my mom often gives me dirty looks for this but, seriously respecting others boundaries is not going to hurt them. My mom often bends over and backwards for kids in unhealthy ways when they are little and then as they get older idk is overly critical. To my mom small things are often the end of the world but, big things she doesn't seem to care much about.

 

[Yasmine]

Thanks wishful

 

[Yasmine]

@Yasmine again-You show some great insight! Thank you for those kind word...

Yes totally " you're just a child" as a response to how you feel implies in the context of abusive , thoughtless and or just plain emotionally illiterate , emotionally selfish parents at least " so you don't matter" or at the very least ," you don't really understand or can't feel your feelings you are just a child"
I'm in my thirties and my mum a few years ago , in reference to someone I didn't like and knew as a child but she was very impressed by " oh but that was a child's perception " later I thought actually #%&-%$ , that fact I was a child means that the impact she had on me was greater than it would of been as an adult and even if that isn't true ( I'm not entirely sure but suspect developmentally it would be ) so what why would it matter any less that a child disliked you?
What I suspect my mother was saying then and you and I were both told as children means either " well that doesn't suit my perceptions or feelings so its invalid and ill say that because ummm you were a child " but even as an adult we still aren't as worthy of an opinion or " we don't want you too bother us with your emotions so you can't feel them " in adulthood this means we find it harder than most to even know what we are feeling

As petty as it can sound constantly being to you don't matter and occasionally being acknowledged (but always being fawned over in public unless you make a faux par then your minimised ) coupled with verbal and other emotional abuse and not being allowed an option in case it upsets a parent really minimises you until you simply minamise yourself

Sorry .. .yes I hadn't thought of that for a long time but you make ( obviously again its my opinion) a brilliant point

 

[Yasmine]

@Yasmine again-You show some great insight! Thank you for those kind word...

Your mum sounds like she has some traits if NPD and goodness knows I almost drove myself crazy because I was looking from every angle for at least five years to try and give my mum any reason not to have traits of NPD in the end my inability to shut up and my excellent ability to self sabotage to prove her right at all costs (both of which I'd excelled at most of my life ) and her response to it proved me to be wrong she is destructive and selfish and its taken me seven years to admit it to myself and admit the enabling role I played . I am in no way perfect or even good but I would never hurt my daughter in all the bug and small ways she's perfectly OK with doing not just to me but my brother and father (who is the only one who has any chance of modifying her behaviour ) in addition to verbal and emotional abuse I thought it was aok for women to hurt men and fine that dad ethical stance meant he would never lay a hand on her. If the situation was reversed . yeah
To many women and men normalise terrible behavior
Have you explored this angle?
Consider an audio book and believe me until you stand back and look at the facts you won't really know how bad it is but if you suspect it and have even thought " I wonder if its me , am I crazy , am I a narcissistic person too or am I the only narracistic one ?" Chances are ( from my reading and therapy and a bit lot of looking at the facts not always easy ) it is much truer than you think or can even bring yourself to say
Sorry I didn't mention thus earlier

 

[Yasmine]

Ahh I can't edit that now I didn't mean ( as it sounds you have NPD but personally I wondered if it was me who had borderline or NPD it wasn't according to my therapist ) but as your little " person" is being pulled this know if she is in any way as toxic as my mum ( and goodness knows she's milder than many but excels at the art of manipulative and lies and tells seriously good half truths and will destroy those who challenge her so well you'll ask her to pick up the pieces ) consider moving away as much as possible from being in her company INLY IF SHE IS LIKE THIS if I'm way of I apologise

 

[Yasmine]

Its 4am and I should be asleep so if that seems badly written expressed or edited and doesn't make sense I apologise sleep deprivation and insomnia don't bring out my best ( you are right) if you'd like the name or books or audio on this topic please let me know

 

[WishfulThinking123]

@Yasmine I think my above post was kinda unclear now that I have reread it. My mom would also make excuses for one of my younger siblings bothering me by saying oh theyre just a child and often would yes feel like my concerns/feelings weren't valid. I wouldn't go so far as saying my mother has NPD as she is not above recognizing she has faults and she does go to counseling. She is trying to change I think in certain aspects and things have been going better than they were in the past. However, she is overly critical and often thinks she knows better on a lot of things and it is the "end of the world" if I don't follow her advice/way. This is in regards to the smallest things such as whether to put the soap on your hands before or after the water to what presents I should buy for my son's birthday...However, in regards to the gift example if I ask her ahead of time to try to preempt her disappointment with me she will be like I don't know its your son- you can do it. But then she will show her sheer disappointment with what I pick. She continuously puts me in these lose lose situations. Or she will tell me I can do something if I need to then get frustrated when I go to do it. My father on the other hand is also highly critical and has some anger issues... It is I guess very astounding that I am not critical at all- I think sometimes this environment can make it hard for you to not turn out critical yourself but, in my case I was such a target of criticism and disappointment that I really try hard not to be critical of others. My mother and I are "emeshed" so to speak meaning that I have "codependency" issues. Even though I am almost 30 I need her "conditional" love so much and yes it is very much conditional.. This is something I am getting better at being more independent but, I cant take her criticism especially since I am struggling with self harm. So I think her behavior largely stems from my dad tearing her down for years which is where these codependency issues come in- I feel so responsible for my moms well being. Any time my mom is upset I go to her mainly because, even as a child she would share her secrets with me and I would help fulfill her emotional needs when my father was for lack of a better term an ass. I really do love my mom and I always will- I just need to learn how to stand up for myself and stop trying to "rescue" her all the time because, her emotional well being isn't my responsibility.

P.S. I hope you were finally able to get some sleep! :)

 

[Yasmine]

I did sleep sweetie thank you and I a horrified by my awful ill written posts from last night. Oh I'm so very sorry about your self harm struggles I had no idea and I very much hope it wasn't triggering me thinking of your mother this way. I really want to say as you work through your issues explore the effect your parents have had on you because , personal experience and what I'm hearing you say about your mum make me wonder if she is hurting you more helping But at the same time its good if this isn't the case and venting about the people you love to those they don't know should not be guilt inducing either. So vent away if it helps here is the place to do it

 

[WishfulThinking123]

Don't worry- you weren't triggering! Thank you so much for talking about all this with me :) Getting all of this out has really been relieving in a way! You are just so sweet! Glad you got some sleep :)

 

[Yasmine]

I say it shouldn't be guilt inducing because seven years ago the guilt I'd have felt would have been overwhelming and yes its still there now as I talk about my mum the fact is if she haven't been given the chance and a really serious issue hadn't retramatised me, had she not told me it wasn't true and then that it was my fault and is denying the former and back pedalling on the later amongst much more Id probably still be in denial. And her chosen field of studies was and is in psychology and give me even less reason to give her an excuse
But with years of her abuse starring me in the face I wouldn't have made the connection if it hadn't of ( figuratively) hit me over the head. Please if you have concerns don't let it get to a point like this unless your financially dependant try a little bit of space from her and if she makes it hard for you or ignores you and you feel guilt orshame then have a think about why she is OK to hurt you and why you feel this way? Having said that if you do choose to try it do it when you feel good about yourself and if you don't then that's what is what is best for you
I don't know you but even if you did not seem so sweet I'd hope the outcome is bright and sunny for you because I understand parents ( mothers only in my case) who have no right to do what they do but keep doing it anyway and the ongoing harm it cause

 

[Yasmine]

Don't worry- you weren't triggering! Thank you so much for talking about all this with me :)...

I just popped a msg for you below hon big hugs because you deserve them so much

 

[WishfulThinking123]

@Yasmine Thank you so much for the nice words of encouragement! Right now I am financially dependent lol. Honestly my T has helped me a lot and she has really made me feel valued in a way no one else has. I don't know where I would be without my T. Honestly though, I have little interaction with my parents during the day and most of the time I am just spending it with my son. Things go in swings back and forth between good and then worse again. I would have to say right in this moment though I can tell my mom is really trying- I just try to take everything in with a grain of salt and not trust anyone. This "family" I am in is kind of a messed up situation because I cant trust anyone and it is just purely about playing the "game". It's kind of hard to explain.. but I just very recently started realizing how much my mother is lying to me and I'm really not sure if she even realizes it. I just keep my emotional distance (I'm great at that- thanks disassociation) and I can only safely rely on my T for emotional support at this time.