Marriage 50/50 partnership?

[Deleted member 42783]

Like it was mentioned above, I look at marriage as 100/100. Both partners give all they can and have equal weight in decisions. Sometimes that looks like one partner picking up the slack for the other and vice versa. If one partner needs to feel in control of a certain area, the other determines if that is healthy and if they can let that area of control go. It can be hard when adults are sometimes functioning at child levels but if one partner can compensate for that, it should work.

Growth in relationships sometimes involves one partner growing and pulling the other along to the new normal.

 

[NewBeginnings]

My family is half very old country Catholic Sicilian, and half old wealthy English (which my mother r...

In our house there are very distinct roles of who does what. My T reminds me we are not in the 60's. When I began working full time the balance was upset and still trying to figure that out. I have been trying to still do all that I was pre- work and getting tired.

 

[Deleted member 42783]

@crying.on.inside
Reading your posts, it sounds like you are making value judgements concerning whose opinion in marriage is better and should carry more weight. Your needs and opinions count and you are undervaluing yourself. It does seem unfair when the rules change, but that's life.

I have felt that way many times in my marriage. In fact I still feel like life is unfair for my husband because he has to do so much and deal with me and my issues. I work and go to school and because I've been suffering from depression and SI for a year, he has had to do the lions share of everything lately. Everyday, I feel like a failure when he comes home to a trashed house and then has to work on household chores while I sit in front of my laptop and stare. Every evening I apologize. I tell him that I know this is not what he signed up for.

You know what he says? "This is only for a season. When you have good days, a lot gets done. When I have bad seasons, you've picked up the slack.

He's right.

 

[Friday]

I've dated men for whom clothes are extremely important, and who have dressed me very much like a doll. Clothes are virtually unimportant to me, so it becomes almost 100% about HOW they do it.

For example, if it's something they enjoy, thrill in, and take a great deal of pleasure in? That's great. If they're irritated that they "have" to do it, because I cannot be trusted to dress myself, and the entire process either stresses them out or pisses them off? Nope. Absolutely not.

Similarly, if they're keenly aware that this is a privilege I'm allowing, not a right they get to dictate? Good to go. Ditto; seducing me into clothes is completely different than badgering, guilting, or shaming me into clothes.

List goes on.

And that's just when there is no friction whatsoever about us both believing something is important, yet disagreeing. Even with as little as I care about clothes in most situations, the moment I DO care? How is that handled? Do we fight over it? How do we fight over it? Do we compromise over it? If so, how? Is it a non-issue, with neither fight nor negotiation necessary? What situations determine the reactions? (Fight, negotiate & compromise, non-issue). What is the fallout from all 3 of those?

Another pice to a seemingly very "small" issue? When ***I*** think on or describe the dynamic to myself or others... How do I do it? With pleasure and feeling special, or with shame & self loathing, or with?

All of that -and more- when we're looking at a single issue: my wardrobe. Maybe money isn't a concern & the sky is the limit. Maybe those stupid thigh high boots mean there's no money for groceries. Nothing exists in a vacuum. Everything is interconnected. How interconnected? Is it a load bearing beam, or a decorative wall? Depends on a lot of different factors.

Big things are made up of little things.

 

[NewBeginnings]

Wasn't expecting the direction of this post but definitely somethings to think about.

If being able to chose the route home is important to you, it IS.

I guess there are a lot of "little things" that seems so insignificant but when they get combined I find it frustrating.
I don't choose the "fastest route" or "buy gas at the right place" or have a "good taste" in restaurants or clothes and it is not that I am not able to but I wouldn't do it like he wanted. In the occasional time that I do it "my" way, I hear about it over and over again and why it was better his way.
I hadn't really factored in if it was important to me. It seems silly to be annoyed because I didn't have a say in where we decide to eat. Good food for thought (no pun intended)

 

[Deleted member 42783]

@crying.on.inside
It sounds like you are realizing that maybe your husband is critical not opinioned. That's growth. His attitude will have to adjust with your growth.

 

[EveHarrington]

I'm really concerned that he's controlling you and your voice is being drowned out.

 

[NewBeginnings]

I'm really concerned that he's controlling you and your voice is being drowned out.

IF that were to be true, how would I know?
IF it is so, i don't think he is really controlling me but I may not have a voice.
And what do I do about it? Where would I begin? ( I guess it is probably therapy).

 

[EveHarrington]

IF that were to be true, how would I know?
IF it is so, i don't think he is really controllin...

You aren't even allowed to decide what to wear. BIG tip off!

 

[NewBeginnings]

You aren't even allowed to decide what to wear. BIG tip off!

Thank you but wait - there is a back story (always is)........
I don't have any fashion sense and he has a really good eye for what looks good - Before I met him I had lots of "frumpy" clothes - had a hard time with my body image- not that my sense of that has changed that much but he likes me better when I look nice.

Ok I know I started this - and yes he is particular in how things look on me but not sure that is controlling me. Sorry if I am being defensive here.

 

[Beemo3780]

Having someone control the decision making isn't necessarily good. I'm afraid you are being controlled.

I try to think of things now like how would I feel I've lived my life at the end. If I don't feel like I've had the control to make my own decisions, I wouldn't be steering my life in the direction I wanted. I'd be living someone else's life. My case with my ex was extreme, because he would control everything, who I spoke to, where I went, and all the way down to the style of clothing I wore. But with my current husband, there's a lot of things that I'm not too sure about, and would love to just have him make that decision, but he'll make me actually sit there and weigh the options with him. Equality is so important to me now though.

I have a Dr Suess quote hanging on my wall for this very reason:
“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...”

 

[EveHarrington]

Thank you but wait - there is a back story (always is)........
I don't have any fashion sense...

If it wasn't an issue, you wouldn't have mentioned it in this thread IMHO.

It's clearly bothering you on some level.