So I was seeing a psychiatrist yesterday about unrelated issues, and he asked me about my choldhood. I explained to him about my mother's abusive ex boyfriend who was alcoholic, he used to emotionally and mentally abuse us and was also physically violent.
As I was speaking to him I noticed he was watching my body language and he asked me to explain how these things made me feel, how I responded to them and how I cope with them when experiencing it. When I'd finished he told me that I have PTSD due to the abuse suffered and that he would like me to go through therapy.
I looked into PTSD because I wasn't overly familiar with it and it's like everything has clicked into place. Years of triggers, flashbacks, anxiety, depression, dissasociation, anger... all explained when I started to read about the experiences of abuse survivors. I feel a strange mix of emotions about it and how to continue.
Firstly, speaking about the abuse yesterday made me incredibly anxious as it often does. I didn't have to go into much detail before I started having flashbacks, becoming anxious and being unable to articulate myself. Last night I had nightmares and woke up drenched in sweat, today has been a nightmare thinking about what happened and the eventuality of having to face it in therapy.
My biggest problem is that there is more to the story. I have never told anyone about this before, but I was also the victim of csa from the same man. I know that there is a chance with therapy that it will uncover memories that I have tried to supress, and I'm worried I won't be able to cope with it. I have some vivid images of it happening that I only remembered within the last few years due to being asked outright by my mother whether he had done it, I denied it as I can't tell her the truth. But since then, pieces have been coming back into place and I think about it more and more often.
I want to get help and deal with not only the csa but also other issues he caused and other triggers, but I'm having a really difficult time coping with the knowledge of having to talk about it with a therapist when I've never vocalised it before. As well as knowing that I have to go through it on my own because I am unable to tell my family.
I feel like someone has called my bluff and uncovered all of the secrets I tried to keep. I tried to bury it so that I never had to face it again, and never had to admit that it happened. I'm not sure I'm ready to face it but I know that I need help soon.
I've found this board very helpful and useful in learning grounding techniques and self help. Thank you all for your advice and support.
Ben
As I was speaking to him I noticed he was watching my body language and he asked me to explain how these things made me feel, how I responded to them and how I cope with them when experiencing it. When I'd finished he told me that I have PTSD due to the abuse suffered and that he would like me to go through therapy.
I looked into PTSD because I wasn't overly familiar with it and it's like everything has clicked into place. Years of triggers, flashbacks, anxiety, depression, dissasociation, anger... all explained when I started to read about the experiences of abuse survivors. I feel a strange mix of emotions about it and how to continue.
Firstly, speaking about the abuse yesterday made me incredibly anxious as it often does. I didn't have to go into much detail before I started having flashbacks, becoming anxious and being unable to articulate myself. Last night I had nightmares and woke up drenched in sweat, today has been a nightmare thinking about what happened and the eventuality of having to face it in therapy.
My biggest problem is that there is more to the story. I have never told anyone about this before, but I was also the victim of csa from the same man. I know that there is a chance with therapy that it will uncover memories that I have tried to supress, and I'm worried I won't be able to cope with it. I have some vivid images of it happening that I only remembered within the last few years due to being asked outright by my mother whether he had done it, I denied it as I can't tell her the truth. But since then, pieces have been coming back into place and I think about it more and more often.
I want to get help and deal with not only the csa but also other issues he caused and other triggers, but I'm having a really difficult time coping with the knowledge of having to talk about it with a therapist when I've never vocalised it before. As well as knowing that I have to go through it on my own because I am unable to tell my family.
I feel like someone has called my bluff and uncovered all of the secrets I tried to keep. I tried to bury it so that I never had to face it again, and never had to admit that it happened. I'm not sure I'm ready to face it but I know that I need help soon.
I've found this board very helpful and useful in learning grounding techniques and self help. Thank you all for your advice and support.
Ben
