5 Things I'm Thinking Today

[Deleted member 37085]

...may be I feel somehow «obligated» to listen all that ? May be I believe it is not polite if I refuse? Do I believe I have the duty of becoming the doormate of some stupid out there?

(1) For me @Chiqui the triggering helplessness and hopelessness types of behaviors that I now act out with self and with others (focusing on me) in my present day life are all learned behaviors from my devastating familial history. I was forced as a little girl and therefore watched and dissociated through most of the severe and dire helpless and hopeless "caregivers" broken, destructive behaviors and thus learned to not only become helpless and hopeless, but to also now in present day seek out to emulate broken "caregivers" in my personal life...and I am also seeking out helplessly and hopelessly extremely malfunctioning broken people to fill my life (oh h*ll to the no!). I'm working on this now...among other things.

(2) As in just recently here in my private life, I am still continuing to attract broken people to me...and am now aware of this, so this is progress...as I am in recovery trying to extricate myself out of helpless and hopeless victim status. I am no longer a victim...my mantra...I am no longer anyone's victim...mantra.

In my very little girl child self, I scarily, terrifyingly watched my mother, father,and other "caregivers" act out right in front of my innocent and vulnerable little girl eyes - their broken, decimated, and sexually, physically and/or in one way or the other vicious maladaptive psychodrama harm-filled lives their fractured and shattered lives right before me. And their self-destructive and mentally mind-blowing victim status' initiated and continued right in front of my impressionable eyes all of the way up and through all of my developmental growth stages ie. infant, child, pub, adolescence, adult, etc.

(3) And I was taught by masters to be the victim, play the victim and to take their sexual, verbal, physical torture for decades and now...here I am post EMDR in the here and now and am realizing how I am still attracting broken and decimated persons to me...as I attempt to extricate myself out from my self-perpetuating victim-status life. Now in ptsd recovery I have the opportunity to stop victim-status behaviors and to stand in my adult (vs. my child ego state) and try and be heard, and also to try and learn now finally how to self-care, etc. Hard...scary. I won't give up!

(4) I feel like a fish out of the freaking water gulping for air on dry (present day) land...and am learning in real time here and now (vs. pre-EMDR was flashing/triggering, numb, dissociated, etc.) how to not allow myself and others to hurt me (child inside of me).

(5) What a f*cking time (at times nightmare) I've been having...this is so f*ucking hard to do.

 

[Anrish]

1. Wonderful new tour today - very lonesome but impressive. Loved it.
2. Lovely weather outside.
3. Wonderful kind goodbyes at my favourite café down here.
4. Only 1 1/2 day left.
5. Got some learning to do.

 

[Chiqui]

@JadesJewel , it is f*cking difficult and hard work. Absolute truth.
I hate when the closest ones needs me to be well. They proyect it, they need it, so I facke it, even without realizing. I am tired of explaining and explaning why and what is going on with me.
It feels is as if I should justified my existence again and again :bored:
An emotional rolled coast today
I just wanna enjoy some peace and safety

 

[NoName]

1. A scary lonely nightmare intruded before I woke up about me being in the same room that I was sleeping completely lonely yelling for anyone to talk to. Scared of being trapped in the same room for years to come
2. Grateful to speak to my mentor but also worried after he seemed very emotional after our talk
3. Scared of reliving bad memories as I walked the street running into a bad group of people, anxious if they would laugh behind my back
4. Taking a day off just eating lots of berries for that I love berries
5. Probably should do some writing or doodling to ease my mood

 

[jaccat]

This time next week I'll be waiting for a train. Holiday here I come!
Sometimes good things just turn up- someone's offered me an item I was planning to buy, for free, and I didn't even say I wanted it.
The logistics of picking it up could be fun, though.
Not sure about tomorrow morning's appointment. I'll just have to hold out for the afternoon pamper at the hairdressers.
Only 4 more work shifts before I'm on holiday!

 

[Deleted member 37085]

It feels is as if I should justified my existence again and again :bored:
An emotional rolled coast today
I just wanna enjoy some peace and safety

Yes, I too want a f*cking emotional stacation from having to deal with humanoids and after being dropped over and over again into helplessness and hopelessness by narc's toxic rant about her drugging, felony son's ongoing behavior and then my having to again and again explain that her severe issues with their son that she vomits upon me - are triggering my helplessness and hopelessness and I don't want to feel how she's feeling!

Like you said @Chiqui I need a break from all of this emotional crap! Since, I am very aware that I indeed opened the door for this narc woman to vomit her private/personal problems upon me...now I am paying the high emotional roller coaster price...and am continuing to be manipulated and bullied by same narc woman (and I ain't havin' any of this sh*t) crazy price/consequences for my allowing this to happen! Grrr.

Geez, I brought all of this crap upon myself and this person is a narcissist as she vomits her sh*t onto a lot of people where I go to work out (exercise) and she does not give one hoot about those whom she vomits her private crap upon and how each of us are feeling in our lives on any given day at any given flippin' moment. Okay, calm down and breathe...breathe in...out...in...out...

Again what p*sses me off is that I opened the door for her (narcissistic woman) to treat me this way! What a hell of a hard and painful lesson this is turning out to be...

 

[Ronin]

1. 'Bloody civvies' / 'Serve & Protect!' ... so much made my day :D Still at the old parting greets.
2. Grateful for yesterday and her pointers. Yep, been slipping. Forgot I don't drink, too. Facepalm.
3. Avocado.
4. Falling Through Shadows.
5. 'Betrayed confidences aren't your miscalcul.'

 

[Teasel]

1 ~ Good day but being tired from all the carrying makes me walk like Mrs Overall.
2 ~ Read last night instead of watching TV thanks for some info off @SheilaKathy thanks :-) Managed to get to sleep a little easier!
3 ~ Love the book too. It's about an Austrian mountain climber who escaped an Indian POW camp in the 2nd WW into Tibet and became friends with the Dalai Lama. I had seen the film 7 years in Tibet and so now I've got the book. Absolutely fascinating.
4 ~ Dinner soon. Keen for it.
5 ~ Harry the cat is performing an emergency knee clean (his knee not mine)

 

[Changing4Best]

1. God is taking really good care of me!
2. It's time for supper, but I am kind of too excited to eat.
3. I will have to eat anyway, but not much, because I am going to Cooking Class and we get samples there. :)
4. Some books you read are really awesome, I agree with @Bearlinda .
5. I am still super psyched by the 100% Total Eclipse that was really God's Light Show!!!!!

 

[Chiqui]

I don't want to feel how she's feeling!

So sorry you are going through this. I don't know if you relate with the next: I feel how the person does, but also her way of thinking, her pattern of thinking, like, may be she is very hopeless and nasty and I start to copy her behaviour, may be only in thoughts, but I do. And I go direct into her f*cking mind hell, which never interested me, on the first place...
I hate when this happens to me. I am getting better with time and meds, and T, also keep blaming the woman and myself, jumping from one to the other as a headless chicken. What an stupid situation and so real,too.

 

[Justmehere]

1.) it's raining sideways today. And I have to walk 2 miles later today!
2.) still trying to process the experience of the total solar eclipse
3.) not sure why people put up with me... most days...
4.) there is a scene in a Dr Who episode, Dark Water, where Cara betrays the Doctor... and she becomes convinced the Doctor will now end his friendship with her. Very reasonable expectation. The Doctor, the time lord, confirms that her action did deeply impact their relationship but then says, "do you think I care about you so little that betraying me would make a difference?" and then he offers to still help her... (Clip here: Do you think I care for you so little) It brought tears to my eyes today when I saw it. I think God loves us like that.
5.) grace. It is something I so deeply need.

 

[Recovery4Me]

@Justmehere :hug: Beautiful post...except maybe part 3 -because you are loved here and that is different than 'putting up' with someone:hug:

2. Great Day thus far...thought I better post it quickly before it changes.:clown: