Am i expecting too much from t?

[Rumors]

I didn't need help when she was puking. I needed help any of the weeks leading up to it and af...

Hang on... you didn't say she didn't give you support the weeks leading up. You said she cancelled before that appointment because she got sick. Those are two drastically different stories. In your original post, you expressed she had said she would walk you to the gate if necessary and that you all had been working on this trip.
I don't think anyone here is trying to be hard on you or less sensitive. For me, I would just like for you to work through this without it tearing you apart and in the end giving you a better understanding of future relationships. Life is not linear, nor are relationships. They are complex and you have to see the black and white thinking as unhealthy. The second you felt challenged here you gave up and said "you are all right I expect too much...." Think about that...it doesn't solve anything bc you still feel badly. Maybe you could come up with some other ways you can work through this?
Sending you support and hope that things will become more clear. Hang in there!!!

 

[UnicornSightings]

I didn't change my story I just didn't elaborate further because I didn't feel I needed to. I said she wasn't there for me AND I said she was sick for one appointment that I most needed. The not being there for me implied other times because who would fault anyone for one missed appointment... and as far as black and white thinking, I think it really IS that simple and life should be that easy. You're either there for someone or you're not.

I appreciate you all replying in spite of me being a bit defensive here. You're giving me things to thing about.

 

[anonymous]

@UnicornSightings I am sorry that this has caused you so much distress but I am concerned with one of your statements.

and as far as black and white thinking, I think it really IS that simple and life should be that easy. You're either there for someone or you're not.

The only things that I have ever found to be that simple and black and white are death and taxes. Everything else has major shades of grey. A prime example of that in the theraputic relationship that I can use is with my t and I. He has always promised to be there for me. Albeit not immediately because he may be with another client, family, in a meeting etc but would always get back to me as soon as possible. I was really struggling this past summer and I contacted him and let him know that I really needed to speak even though I knew he was on vacation. We spoke about 45 minutes after I reached out but the one thing that we had never discussed and felt very awkward was when he brought up what he believed to be a reasonable charge for the call. At the time I was hurt and devastated he had promised to always be there for me and this felt like a slap in the face. But days later when I was thinking clearly again I realized that it was reasonable and made sense. That is what I mean by shades of grey. He was there for me as he had promised but we never had discussed the grey area of whether or not there would be a charge for his going that extra mile.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I don't believe a therapist should ever say that they would always be there for you. Ever.

 

[Kopykat]

Hey there,

I know how you feel and I know how anxiety exasperates everything and makes you just want to give the person that let you down the finger and cut them out of your life. You hurt. But it may be a good opportunity to talk to your therapist. It probably wouldn't be helpful to kick in the door next session and yell "wtf Nancy?!" (Idk your therapists name) but maybe a direct approach would be beneficial "I'm disappointed bc..." or "I know you were sick, I'm disappointed things didn't work out how we planned them too and it left me really anxious". For me, I know the longer I stay in my head the more I get stuck in a hate spiral and make situations much more difficult to get out of. Talk to your therapist, it doesn't have to be pretty, just talk.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think that

A) Your therapist is offering more than she can provide

And

B) You are expecting things beyond a healthy therapist/client relationship

 

[Suzetig]

Ok she can totally be sick and have her own stuff going on. She can. But her job is to be a support to her clients.

Her job is to be a support to her clients in line with the service she provides. You said yourself you didn't think she literally meant she would walk you to the airport, that sounds like a figure of speech.

You said you didn't feel anxious until the week before the trip and that you had other things to work on. You accept she was sick and you also acknowledge that trying to work stuff out by email doesn't work well for you and your T. I'm guessing she didn't offer to reschedule because she knew you'd be out of town - maybe she had no space before you left or, given that you had been working on other stuff in the lead up to the trip, she might have thought you were doing ok about it.

When you say she wasn't there for you and wasn't supportive what did you hope for, expect or want her to do? As in what specifically - instead of thinking about her "being there", which is quite vague can you identify what that would have looked like for you in this situation? That might help you work out whether you're actually expecting too much.

Also consider whether getting mad at her is covering up the fact that you did something very scary without her. It can be hard to learn that however much we want someone to be there, we actually don't need them the way we thought we did. You wanted her, it might have been nicer for you to have her support but in the end you did it without her. That's a huge thing and worth celebrating - well done.

 

[Scarlet13]

My reaction when I read your post is that I totally get those feelings of abandonment from your T.
But as I read your post it seemed (to me) that she was supporting you. She wished for you to have a nice adventure and said see you in 2 weeks. She isn't going to schedule an appt right before you go on a trip, as she probably thought you were focused on the trip.
You mentioned that her response felt distant to you, like a stranger. I get that. I hate that about email or text, it can feel superficial and there is no caring tone of voice.
If it were me I would feel great about just getting a response back before and being told I would be seen in two weeks. That would feel like connection. She sounds like a caring therapist to do that when sick. People that are there for us might only only be there a little bit, and you are labeling her small support as a complete denial of supporting you on your trip. She is not obligated to help you in the exact ways that you want or even as promised. I know this is hard because you want the follow through and you have expectations.

 

[UnicornSightings]

I want to reply to each of you because you all have things worth commenting on but just wanted to say thank you all so much. I LOVE that you challenge me and my thinking and question things!!! I'm the moment it feels like complete $hit and I get so upset but when I'm level-headed again I just appreciate it so much. Just wanted to get that in and I'll reply to each when I can. So, so happy to be here among such supportive people!!

 

[deeplyloved]

Is it appropriate to refer to another thread? I just want to say I'm so impressed with all of the tools you developed to care for yourself on this important trip. I was taking notes! I hope you can acknowledge and appreciate what strength and resourcefulness you practiced in showing up for yourself!

I do think it's important for our therapists to be careful with their words. Mine says she will do her very best to respond to my phone calls and texts within 24 hours. She promises me that, barring the strange twists and turns of life, the ending of our work together will be an open, transparent, well-planned and thoroughly discussed process. We will talk about ending our work until we can't figure out anything else to talk about. These words soothe my fears of abandonment for a few days or maybe a couple weeks until I need to hear it again. I still get tripped up. If she promised to always be there for me, I would always be feeling let down. Instead, I watch her modeling good boundaries and I try to notice the threads of trust in everything she does. For example, she demonstrates her commitment to me by being as flexible as she can around my commute and schedule. She lets me pay my balance every other session instead of weekly.

Please know that your feelings matter. They are real. I'm a new believer in the healing that comes from naming and facing these conflicts and betrayals and disappointments directly. You felt abandoned. Getting more clarity will probably lead to more trust and more support. When the boundaries are clear, you can rest in them and heal. You can learn where else to get different needs met.

And, you are seriously a bad ass for going through with your trip even when you didn't get the support you asked for and expected to receive. You are amazing!

 

[DharmaGirl]

I LOVE that you challenge me and my thinking and question things!!!

You remind me of me, when I first came here and had similar issues with my therapist. People gave me good advice that made me mad, then made me think! I grew so much with this kind of support.

My therapist assured me for 4 years he would always be there. I had a dream that he moved south, I asked him if he was moving and he said no. He again reassured me he was going nowhere. Two months later he told me he took a job that was south of where he was, so basically he lied. He didn't move his residence, but he did move south. I was devastated that he knew he was leaving, and lied about it. He then began to treat me badly, telling me my trauma work was done, in the first 10 minutes of small talk he would cut me off, and the worst was, he said if I have more trauma, let's hear it. I was dumbstruck! He said, "See, no more trauma". After he told me he was leaving, I swore that I wouldn't let him know how upset I was, and spent the last month taking care of him and he accepted. After he was gone, I was severely re-traumatized. It took me over a year to recover. So, a therapist should NEVER tell a client that they will always be there. It's my opinion, so if it doesn't resonate ignore it, that you should ask your therapist how she plans on always being there for you. Not in an aggressive way, but just to get her to clarify boundaries.

 

[ShodokanJenn]

I think it is wonderful that you went on your trip. That's huge to overcome that kind of anxiety. And I think it is wonderful that even though you were initially very defensive about the feedback you got here, you eventually approached it with a very level head and allowed yourself to grow.

My T has promised me that as long as he's working with me, we're in things together. But it's not a for always thing. I'm allowed to email. His boundary with that is that it's okay to do so when I have a crisis or want to talk about something in my next appointment, but that I shouldn't expect a reply unless he feels it's really, really needed. Our lives do overlap a little bit outside of therapy (I teach the women's self defense program he puts all of his female staff through, as well as many of his clients), but we deliberately do not act as therapist and client outside of his office. He has let me down in the past, and I'm sure he will again in the future. He is, after all, human. Like me. I think your therapist is modeling healthy boundaries with the email thing, but that she is also over-promising a bit. Maybe it would be a good idea to tell her how it makes you feel when she promises and doesn't follow through, and suggest that she doesn't promise you things anymore. I think people overuse promises to convey their good intentions. A better way to approach it is "I want to be there for you as long as you need/want me to, but I can't promise that will happen."