Am i expecting too much from t?

[UnicornSightings]

So, you went on the trip yet you are focusing on your therapist not being supportive enough bc she got s...

Yeah, I AM proud of myself and clearly didn't NEED her. In fact, she hasn't ever done anything to help me through any situation sadly. But that's good, to be reliant on myself. I guess I could just once have someone really help make my life easier though, you know? I guess I get tired of going it alone. It's great to have someone to talk to each week but it's not like she helps me in any urgent matter. I have major transference so I'm sure that's what this is all about.

 

[UnicornSightings]

She set you up to expect a lot of very tangible in person support for this trip. I recognize that. I...

I'm angry at her soooo often lately. After getting upset at everyone who replied because they didn't automatically agree with me (yeah I'm working on that) I thought that night about how I've gotten mad at pretty much everyone in my life and stopped seeing them. I don't express it, I just assume when I leave their lives they'll know they f'ed up. I don't give anyone a chance to explain or speak their side or anything. Because they could challenge me and a lot of the time I'm mad at stuff that I'm adding a story to, you know? So not reality. And if you're not perfect all of the time then you're gonna make mistakes and then goodbye!!! It may sound jacked up but it's been a very convenient way for me to live. I get to always be right. I get to always be the one in control. I get to be the victim all the time. And I get to be alone. Well, that last part isn't perfect but I kinda prefer to be alone than with anyone who would ever possibly make me feel uncomfortable. I hope you can hear in the way I'm writing that I'm tired of living on that way. Of expecting people to obey all of my unwritten rules. To allow myself to be wrong. And often. And let others see that and let others reject me if they choose instead of always doing it first. I love posting here because whenever responses anger me if makes me think more.

 

[UnicornSightings]

We don't have much control over our feelings. If you feel angry and disappointed? That's okay....

High expectations will be the death of me if I can't let go of them. I feel I'm making progress on that but with my t it's harder because she represents my mother who I have so much undealt-with $hit with. I have a talkspace therapist in addition to her. I've had several other therapists that I've seen since my current t when I thought I would end therapy or feared she would end it. Abandonment. Must find replacement first! I've seen them for a session or two before working things out again with current t. Yeah, I don't bring in a TON of drama but I do do this. But the talkspace therapist I've had for 2 months and had really helped me with present day stuff. Like my goals and values and she's encouraging and all of that. So she's great because I listen to her. I don't listen much to transference t. I'm like a child there. And part of me wants to end this drama cause it's sucking the life out of me and I obsess over it all of the time but also, since anger is where everyone relationship goes part of me thinks staying with her might be beneficial. But I've always thought with her "maybe just maybe she will eventually help me! When I'm good enough and passed enough tests she will save me from myself". Yeah. Still waiting. But it's a living breathing person vs writing to someone. So I have that drama too. What to do when you can't decide between the 2. I swear I CREATE drama in therapy to have something to freak out about.

 

[UnicornSightings]

It sounds like there's a mismatch between what you want/need, and what she can provide. It seems like...

I did not really. I mean. It was a really big deal but the trip was the reward. I do plan to try to write an online article about it because one of my goals for the next year was to have an article accepted. I need to practice praise more often so thank you for the reminder.

 

[UnicornSightings]

You remind me of me, when I first came here and had similar issues with my therapist. People gave me...

She never said she would always be there. Did I say that? I think I said she said she would be there for me for the trip. Omg she would never promise to always be there. She's crazy realistic about things and wouldn't oversell what she can't deliver. I'm so sorry you had that experience and had to get additional support! I do WISH my therapist would always be there for me.... how cool would it be to never be alone with more than you can carry??

 

[UnicornSightings]

I think it is wonderful that you went on your trip. That's huge to overcome that kind of anxiety....

I appreciate your comment and it's nice to be reminded that I did a brave thing! Yeah, my therapist and I have things to work out if I continue with her. I wish she would just give me the instruction book for how healing is supposed to look. What I'm supposed to do to get there. That would make things so much easier lol

 

[UnicornSightings]

Hang on... you didn't say she didn't give you support the weeks leading up. You said she cancelled befor...

I've ALWAYS done that. Like if anyone starts to argue with me it's never been worth my time to try to clarify or speak my mind. I think because I always wanted to be right, you know? So being challenged I can just say "screw everyone, none of you understand" and storm off rather than try to explain more or admit I'm wrong in some things or grow, really. Cause that's where you grow. Opening your mind to different perspectives. I learned that behavior from my mom. If someone challenges you they think you're stupid and cut them out of your life completely and immediately. I really do learn so much by being here and having you guys questions what I'm saying.

She hasn't been much of a support, no. But I haven't been much of a client needing support. I don't ask for help much, I just get mad when she doesn't give the help I expect her to know I need without me saying it. Just like I expect her to make me talk about things I don't want to talk about in order to deal with them. And when she lets me decide again and again what I want to discuss I blame her for not caring enough to make me talk about things so I don't bring them up cause she obviously doesn't want to know. I don't envy my t. She sticks around for everything. I'm good there, too so that should be clear. I have been vulnerable often but I get in my own way a lot. I have bad ways of dealing with people and she gets to see all of it.

 

[UnicornSightings]

@UnicornSightings I am sorry that this has caused you so much distress but I am co...

Black and white thinking. Thank you for reminding me how much I need to work on this. I actually did a painting on it. But it's just a hard one to let go of. I hang on so tightly to how I think people need to behave to be on one extreme and when they don't they slide all the way to the other.

 

[UnicornSightings]

Hey there,

I know how you feel and I know how anxiety exasperates everything and makes you just want t...

I think that sounds like a very good approach although I laughed at the idea of storming in and saying wtf!!! Lol! :)

 

[UnicornSightings]

I think that

A) Your therapist is offering more than she can provide

And

B) You are expectin...

I think those are both true. Thank you

 

[UnicornSightings]

Her job is to be a support to her clients in line with the service she provides. You said yourself you...

See that's the thing!!!! Even if we had that session I wasn't anxious then! I planned to talk about something else!! I didn't get upset at her until I felt all the panic there. On the plane and in San Francisco. And of COURSE she couldn't have done anything for me. I mean, would've been amazing if I had arranged it with her like "hey t, I know we aren't doing emails anymore because I get offended when you reply and twist your words around and then behave like a child towards you or else end therapy then change my mind BUT I'm doing this crazy, scary thing. How can you be there for me when I get really scared? What can you offer me? I know it's the weekend but even if I just send you an email can you read it and not reply? Just to know someone is aware of how I am?"

But I didn't do that. I didn't think to do that. Cause if I did that, what would I bitch about? I'm creating drama and so much more aware of it now. I really was fine. I did a lot of breathing techniques I learned on my own. Listened to guided meditations I found myself. I think I just want her to be my mom so much and be there for me like I'm a child who needs her. It's sad. But I'm an adult and a brave af one. It's just hard to let go of that desire, you know? To have that kind of nurturing I never received.

 

[Sideways]

I hang on so tightly to how I think people need to behave to be on one extreme and when they don't they slide all the way to the other.

This is called "splitting". Making people black and white, all good or all bad.

Yup. This issue is sooooo common that they've given it a name!

It's inspiring to see you working through this stuff with so much honesty:)