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Relationship Boyfriend has complex ptsd & fell out of love in an evening.

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Hey everyone,

I was wondering if somebody could give me some guidance. My boyfriend has complex PTSD as a result of long term childhood sexual abuse and had repressed it for over 10 years. When his ex partner broke up with him, all of the repressed memories and emotions came out and were exacerbated by the devastation he felt because of the heartbreak and abandonment of his ex girlfriend. This caused the development of severe relationship anxiety and he developed a defensive mechanism whereby he shuts off his emotions when they become intense.

We were together for 8 months and he broke up with me two weeks ago. We were madly in love and our relationship really was perfect: we both had no complaints, we get on so well and both felt a deep emotional connection to one another. A week before he broke up with me he told me that with both of his past partners, he fell out of love in an evening. I dismissed this and said that this time was different, that if that happened then something must not have been right in those relationships and that feelings are irrational so it's not his fault. He agreed but then the same thing happened to me.

A few days before he broke up with me he told me he could feel it happening again (the emotional emptiness and falling out love) and he was so upset because he didn't want to fall out of love with me at all. He promised he would fight it with everything he had but everyday he could feel it lessening until one morning he woke up and claimed he felt nothing for me, so he broke it off.

I was devastated and refused to believe that he really could have fell out of love with me in such a short space of time when our relationship was so amazing. So I began researching about complex PTSD and have learned that emotional numbing is very common. I just want to know if his love for me is still there and just repressed or if it's likely that it will come back. We were so in love and everything was so perfect until one day his emotions involuntarily turned off. In his mind, because of the relationship anxiety, I am linked to the trauma he feels even though he's very aware that it's nothing to do with me. I'm now a trigger for the relationship anxiety even though he knows he's safe with me.

We've been seeing each other once a week and when we're together everything is completely normal and his behaviour towards me is very loving he says he just feels no positive emotions inside. He's apathetic towards everything, not just me- it's his friends and life in general too. He still cares for me deeply he just doesn't feel like he is in love and he feels like he can't be with me because he doesn't love me. He says he feels hollow and turbulent inside.

He starts therapy this week and the uncertainty and indeterminacy is really upsetting for me. One moment he doesn't want to be with me and the next moment he's crying at the thought of me being with someone else. I'm hoping that his love for me will come back but I don't know if this is possible? Or if he could fall back in love with me?

Thanks so much for reading, I hope someone can help give me some direction of what to do or what will most likely happen.
 
Sounds like he gave you a tip off about a repetitive pattern. Then he gave you a signal that he was getting clues about repeating the cycle again. Sounds like he is in a down cycle with the apathetic affect... however he is in contact with you, and that is something. If you love this guy, give him time in therapy. He is aware of the pattern and that is something. It's not unconscious at least.
 
Sounds like he gave you a tip off about a repetitive pattern. Then he gave you a signal that he w...

Hey, thanks for replying! Yeah I plan to see how therapy goes and give him the space he needs but my friends keep telling me I need to distance myself and move on because there's no guarantee he will get his old feelings back and fall back in love which could lead to more devastation for me. I do love him, so I will give him time I'm just worried that I will be waiting around for months and months with no possibility of him coming back.
 
Yeah there is no guarantee... however not having completely cut you off and also his communicating about it and being aware of it can be cause for optimism though it will not likely be easy.

If you haven't seen them, there is a Supporter series of vids that's sticky on top of the supporter forum. Worth viewing.

Here's the link: Link Removed
 
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If you are asking if his emotional numbing will get better, hopefully over time it will. It depends on many factors. Therapy usually leads to symptoms getting worse before they get better. Don't be surprised if it gets worse for a bit - but he might have more insight into it. Closeness in relationships might be really triggering for him. It could take weeks to months or years to work it through.

If you are asking if he will want to return to a romantic relationship with you, it's hard to say. There are no garuntees. He is in therapy, he is expressing some emotion about the relationship, and he is aware of this pattern. All good signs that he wants change. Love isn't just a feeling but is so much more than that.

It's also true that sometimes love alone is not enough.

Right now, he's all over the place. Emotional numbness is a sign of someone being very overwhelmed. You wrote it yourself, he numbs when emotions become intense. So when he feels numb, it's not actually a sign he doesn't feel anything - but that he is feeling more than he can manage. If the emotional numbness goes away, there may be some pretty strong emotions of many types that come up: sadness, anger, fear, etc, about the past, that will take time to work through.

Respect any boundaries he has set and don't push for connection. If all the uncertainty is really getting to you, then take some space, become good at self care, and invest in other relationships (friendships and etc) that are more steady and solid right now. If you need to move on to be ok, that's ok. But I'd give it a little more time if you can.

If you need tons of steadiness in a relationship and lots of deep connection, all of which is ok, then a relationship with a cPTSD sufferer early in recovery may not be for you. If you and him can learn to ride the waves of symptoms together, then it might just work out.
 
If you are asking if his emotional numbing will get better, hopefully over time it will. It depends...
Thank you so much for that thoughtful and comprehensive response, it means a lot that you were so willing to take the time to write that! We're going to see how therapy goes and not make any permanent decisions until then. He is very communicative, checks up on me everyday and is vocal about how much he wants to get better, if not for himself then for me he says. I just want him to be okay and live the happiest life because I've seen how much love he has to give and it would be awful if he went through life with his emotional barricade up.

Thanks again for your kind comments!
 
We were madly in love and our relationship really was perfect: we both had no complaints, we get on so well and both felt a deep emotional connection to one another.
he was so upset because he didn't want to fall out of love with me at all. He promised he would fight it with everything he had but everyday he could feel it lessening until one morning he woke up and claimed he felt nothing for me
until one day his emotions involuntarily turned off
He still cares for me deeply he just doesn't feel like he is in love and he feels like he can't be with me because he doesn't love me.
These statements kind of sent warning bells off in my head, but I'm not sure why. I agree that it is a positive that the two of you are still in some sort of communication/contact, and also that he is in the process of beginning therapy. Sometimes, therapy can cause things to get harder before they get better, so just keep that in mind as a possibility. As for the warning bells I mentioned, when you write about how "he was so upset", "we both felt a deep emotional connection", and "he still cares for me deeply", are these things he is saying to you?
 
I get the sense this has far more to do with his own emotional numbing as a byproduct of his condition rather than being an accurate reflection of his feelings for you. It's perhaps easy for him to falsely attribute his overwhelming sense of emptiness to simply having "fallen out of love" when the reality is he does in fact very much love you, but his issues are simply standing in the way. I hope and pray that he can work through this in therapy and in time come to experience a healthy and lasting relationship. Hugs for you, dear.
 
I can "fall out of love" in a heartbeat. (I don't say this to my guy as it would crush him.)

The truth is that love is a helluva lot more than just that head over heels feeling. Love is an action. Love CAN exist when we are completely numb. That head over heels feeling CAN return again.

I think this highlights the idea that society in general has, that we must keep that head over heels feeling or else abandon the relationship.

I think it's important to have a rational view of love. That head over heels feeling? It's f*cking awesome! But as a PTSD sufferer who goes numb quite often, I also know that love doesn't cease to exist just because I can't feel it. (Kind of a shallow view of love IMHO.)

When I go numb I have to switch from emotional love to rational love, knowing that I am loved and that I still love others, even if I can't feel it. It took me a long time to hone this skill. It was a matter of accepting the numbness, knowing this too shall pass. If I let the numbness win, I just end up bouncing from relationship to relationship, with nothing deep ever developing. It's a really sucky way to live!
 
Eve, how did you develop and hone this skill?

No, it wasn't through therapy as I was out of therapy when I developed this skill. I can be extremely emotional, but I can also be extremely rational as well. It was only through a lot of trial and error that I was able to figure it out. Sad to say, it came about because people would tell me they loved me but I'd get pissed off and tell them they didn't, simply because I couldn't feel it. One day someone told me that it didn't matter what I felt because the love existed regardless. Huh. The love exists even if I can't feel it?!? Yes, it most definitely does! So then I was able to reason that I could still love people even if I can't feel it all the time-----love is an action, and I can show my love through my actions even when I can't feel the love. This mindset also helps me jump back into that "in love" feeling again once the numbness subsides.

Does this make sense?
 
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