Sexual Assault Confronting an abuser.

[BoN-bOn]

In a situation where the abuser is a family member, & the past is already out in the open & everyone knows, how important is it to face the abuser? In my situation it's a family member's husband. She knows my side of the story & I'm sure she has heard his. She is suggesting that we get together & "talk it out..." My t says it needs to be done with her there. I don't know if I'm ready to do that? & I worry about what will happen if they accuse me of lying? Will my therapist still believe me? She says it doesn't matter whether or not she believes me, that isn't the goal. The goal is to decide what I want to do with my relationship with my family member. Does that mean I've spent all this time opening up to her & she doesn't even believe me? I don't think I want her being "neutral" in that situation, I want her on my side! How do you know if you are ready to handle something like this?

 

[EveHarrington]

It sounds like the abusers wife wants this, not so much you.

Is this correct?

I really don't see anything positive coming of this as there's almost zero chance of him owning up to his behavior.

 

[BoN-bOn]

She wants it. I can't imagine what she is going through right now, I'm sure she is torn & trying to make sense of things & my heart hurts for her. I would like to salvage things between her & i but at what cost? I feel sick thinking about sitting in a room with BOTH of them.

 

[EveHarrington]

If you don't want to do it, then don't do it.

"Talk it out".....There is no "talking out" abuse.

I'd let her know that there is no discussion to be had until AFTER you receive an apology. Otherwise, what is there to discuss?

 

[Sideways]

She may be genuinely trying to help. Some people think that talking it out will actually solve the issue.

It doesn't always work! Unfortunately, the damage is a lot deeper than one well-intended conversation.

In this situation, it doesn't sound like this is something you've decided you need to do for your own healing. Instead, it sounds like it's a (potentially well-intended) attempt to simply smooth things over. Which doesn't sound productive for you...

Personally? I'd find 'confronting' my abuser would simply be an exercise in retraumatisation. So I'd probably explain that to this well-intended person, possibly dress it up a bit with how my amygdala is going to automatically switch back to trauma-mode and how that's out of anyone's control, thanks but no thanks. But that's just me.

If she'd come to you and told you that he desperately wants to beg for forgiveness? Different story. Maybe.

 

[BoN-bOn]

I think I'm more hurt at my t's response that it doesn't matter if she believes me. Why have I spent all of this time talking to her & learning to trust her if it didn't matter? I realize she has to be neutral in that situation, but I don't want to feel like my back is against the wall in a room with all of them.

 

[scout86]

I think I'm more hurt at my t's response that it doesn't matter if she believes me.

That would bother me too and it's something I think I'd want to talk about. If I were going to have a "conversation" with an abuser, it would be cool to have my T there, but I'd kind of expect him to be on my side. Reasonable, willing to listen to what the other people have to say & all, but on my side.

 

[Sideways]

I've had Ts in the past who didn't believe me. I actually figured that would be the way it was for me - people not believing me, and me having to heal somehow anyway.

It wasn't until I established that my current T very definitely believes me that it became apparent to me just how important that was. To be believed by the person you're opening up to.

It may not be important to your T, but I can understand why it would be important to you. And it's definitely worth a conversation with your T about it.

 

[BoN-bOn]

I've had Ts in the past who didn't believe me. I actually figured that would be the way it was...

She's never given me a reason to think that she doesn't believe me...maybe she is just trying to make a point that it shouldn't matter to me whether or not she does. I wish she had just SAID "I do believe you, but it doesn't matter," being believed is very important to me I think at this point especially with her.

 

[EveHarrington]

I'm really confused why your therapist isn't questioning if this is the best thing for YOU to do.

 

[Nessa7]

I'm not sure what your therapist was trying to say, but I do think that if you are going to do this that you need to be prepared for the possibility that your relative will not believe you. You know what is true. It isn't uncommon for the spouse of an abuser to be in denial. It would be great if your relative believes you, but the hurdles that she will have to overcome to do so have nothing to do with you. Your abuser's wife not believing you will not make your T not believe you.

Have you thought about having someone that you trust go with you?

 

[Hooper]

Have you thought about having someone that you trust go with you?

There's a poster here that knows how I feel about this. So your relative needs relief and to get relief she wants you to talk it out with her husband/your abuser and your therapist thinks great but I don't have to believe you and you are at the bottom of the totem pole with nothing to gain and a lot to lose is the gist I get. To hell with all of that. Your therapist is going to charge you for his/her time. All this is being done on everyone else's terms but your own. Maybe I watch too much tv but my response would be this:
a. You want me to talk to your husband and work it out 1 on 1k or 2 on 1? No
b. T wants to be there and be compensated (or is this free) and won't guarantee to support you? No free or being charged
c. You go alone without T and risk being not believed by however many people show? Hell no

Do this on your terms and spend as little as possible while getting to the core of the issue in as little time as possible. If I were in your shoes I'd respond like this:
I'd be happy to meet with my abuser/your husband as well as you on one condition. We meet in the next week and for a neutral participant we agree to a polygraph. It's not admissible in court where I'm from but there is no way an abuser or the spouse of an abuser who is not in it for your best interest would agree especially if the loser has to pay when the truth comes out. It's a reasonable offer and the lack of willingness by either party is where I would see the guilty party lays his/her bed. It won't take a couple of sentences and actions speak louder than words. I really don't think you will have to find a qualified person to give a polygraph since you will have effectively cornered your abuser as well as his wife/your family with the truth. I don't know you from Adam but I can sense you have nothing to hide and I sure as hell know you don't owe anyone anything regarding your abuse on anyone's terms but your own. Wish you well.
hooper

We meet in the next week and for a neutral participant we agree to a polygraph.

Offer the local police station or wherever the crime occurred.