General Supporting their internal struggles

[Snowflakes]

I have been supporting my wife (C-PTSD) for 10 years. I’ve made a lot of mistakes out of ignorance. By coming here earlier this year and learning better coping skills, I’ve been able to finally get off of the roller coaster. So, I’m in a much better place emotionally now.

My wife has struggled, left me, and returned. She is in therapy and appears to be making progress. I write “appears” because my life is much better but she says nothing of her struggles.

My question to others here, especially to those supporters that have a relatively stable existence (sorry, I don’t know of a better way to word this), should I try to actively be part of their internal struggle or is it a loving act on my part to let her do this alone with her therapist? I do not want to seem to be a non-caring spouse but I’ve also learned that I do not have the power to fix anything.

I thank everyone in advance for their comments. :hug:

 

[Sighs]

Could you ask her what level of support she needs? Could you talk about what level of support you are able to give?

I would be concerned about you losing your newfound stability and jumping back on the roller coaster.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I agree... ask her. The things that are most stable in my relationship are the things we've talked about and respect each other's boundaries on.

 

[EveHarrington]

In my experience, PTSD healing is best done in the context of living relationships.

And in my way of thinking, I really don't know how you would keep the ptsd healing out of a relationship?

I'm not saying fix her, because you can't, but at the same time I don't think it's good to just hand it all over to a therapist because a therapist is limited in what they can do.

Think of it this way.

We go to therapy to learn how to heal. The other 167 hours of the week that we aren't in therapy (assuming a one hour a week session) is time that we put what we learn into use. If a partner takes a complete hands off approach then we aren't learning to heal so much in the context of a loving relationship because we also require feedback and support and such from our partner.

I say all of this as someone who finally has a partner who is willing to work through things with me.

He's on board with my therapy. He knows I'm currently focusing on inner child/child parts work. He sees my little one surface and he knows how to react in order to support me the best. He reminds me to take care of her and comfort her. My mind oftentimes can't remember how I'm supposed to react when I'm struggling/symptomatic, so he is there to simply remind me of what I need to do. He does nothing more than guide me and support me. He does not try to fix me. He tries to understand.

If my guy took a complete hands off approach, not only would my healing be slower, but I wouldn't feel as close to him or as supported by him as I am now.

Of course all relationships are different and all ptsd sufferers are different.

I think it would be best to stay in the loop in terms of her healing, ask her to share with you what she's working on in therapy (which in some cases may be more of a general idea while in other cases it may be a bit more detailed).

If she feels comfortable with you talking to her therapist in a joint session, that may be a possibility as you could ask her therapist what you could do to best support your partner. My guy is coming to a session this week in order to get a better perspective on things from a professional viewpoint and to learn better ways of supporting me.

 

[Snowflakes]

Thank you for your replies. I think @Sighs nailed my greatest fear. After all these years of turmoil, I finally reached an emotionally stable place and I am deathly afraid of losing that. There is a part of me that doesn’t like to live in fear of taking actions that I ordinarily would take which is why I asked the question here.

I have asked her @Sweetpea76 but she says she is working on it. Perhaps we are both so afraid of upsetting this new peaceful apple cart. I’ve learned much from you and trust your suggestions.

I really do like your perspective @EveHarrington . Perhaps it comes down to me taking the first risky step. I’ve always lived with the belief that, within reason, the joys of living are directly proportional to the risks we take. Your thoughts have given me a glimpse of what she may e thinking. That means a lot to me

You all have given me things to think about. I’ll let you know the outcome over time. Thank you :hug:

 

[scout86]

but she says she is working on it.

My suggestion would be that you accept that as an answer. At the same time, if you're willing to be more involved, you could express the willingness, but leave it at that. She can accept the responsibility for making the first step, if she wants more, or different, support from you.

 

[Snowflakes]

We did talk about it this morning. It was a short talk but a good one. She said she was working on it with her therapist. Remembering what @scout86 wrote, I simply said I’m willing to help, listen, or be available when she needed me. That seemed to be what she wanted to hear.

Thank you all for your help. I feel better about this and I think she does too. :hug: