Don't trust enough to have friends?

[Supervixn]

As the title states. I've found that the deeper I've experienced cptsd, the harder it is for me to engage with people, like at all.

When I'm around people I get even more depressed and dislike myself more because I feel really different from everyone and I'm angry at myself for not enjoying things and people's company. I don't feel like it shows, I just am really standoffish and to myself which makes the people in my life mad because they think It's me being rude on purpose. It's just really uncomfortable for me to be around people and I get really depressed and feel guilty about how I am. I don't feel any sense of belonging with anyone, which is part of ptsd, but I feel like I get in people's way or are bothersome to them even though I somewhere know that it's probably only me thinking those ways. I feel like people sense there's something wrong with me and it makes me want to hide, which is probably shame but I'm not sure exactly.

I think having a history of sexual abuse and trauma influences my ability to trust, anyone. I mean, I dont even know what it is exactly that I don't trust in people besides this really strong feeling of just not being a part of whatever they are or experience. Rejection maybe idk? I have basic trust like knowing the guy at the gas station isn't going to do anything, or the lady at the grocery store isn't going to whatever I'm afraid of happening(?), but when it comes to being around friends of people or whatever, I dread it and I don't know how to explain it or what it is or why. Then I sabbotage so I can alienate myself. Then I'm considered a brat or a b##ch.

I did have one good female friend since high school. We went off our own ways and both of us had kids and failed relationships.. we started being friends again then, she had tried to sleep with me after a night of partying. She made it seem like she misread me or something (we havent been friendly or really talked at all since. I told her we were ok but I didn't know she felt how she did so yea it did scare me away).

I feel like if I'm "too friendly " people will take it the wrong way which others have. One example, one of my customers at my last job grabbed me and thank God my employer watched the tapes took my side and banned him, but they didn't seem to understand why the grabbing upset me. I think my male boss thought I overreacted or something even though I didnt cry in front of anyone I just left on my lunch after saying it was bulls## and the guy was disgusting (he was!). Like one of my coworkers acted like she thought i shouldve been flattered. He's married and 30-40 years older than me and admitted he is a creepy old man. I feel like im just not coming from the same place other people are and i dont think or feel the same.

I also had an ex stalk me and have his friends drop by my other job to try to humiliate me after I broke up with him. This went on for 2 years and he threatened to kill me through an anonymous email. I took it to police who acted like I was crazy and they basically said they can't prove anything so they dropped it. Even though he was arrested for stealing checks under a false name (hello!!). My ex set me up without my knowledge with some guy who acted like he just met me at my work but ended up being one of his friends he used to keep tabs on me. It was a crazy time in my life, almost 3 years ago and even thought ive moved out of state I can't let it go that people are capable of what he did.

Its hard to trust for anyone. But these examples on top of my own history makes it feel really impossible. This part of me is really ruining my life and I find it impossible to be happy and normal. What are some ways you guys handle the negative social aspect of ptsd? How do I change myself even though I can't change the past? What encourages you to de-isolate?

PS Thank you for listening to my venting.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

First, welcome to the forum, Supervixn! I'm sorry it's taken some time for replies. Sometimes threads get lost in the shuffle.

I expect that almost everyone here can relate to some or all of what you've said. I don't make friends easily, and I can't keep them when I do. For myself, I feared that if people ever saw past my facade, they would realize that I'm not worth caring about. So, I pretended. I pretended to laugh and have fun and enjoy the stuff that they enjoyed, until I couldn't pretend any more. Then, I would sabotage the relationship before they could discover the real me (the worthless, shameful, dirty person that I believed myself to be).

Here, we can be ourselves without fear. We can get comfortable with the knowledge that we're worthwhile, valued members of this community, and that's a good place to start. Self-acceptance is the key to building strong relationships, and (I hope) trust. Because once we're comfortable with ourselves, we don't have to make such herculean efforts to attract and keep friends.

 

[EveHarrington]

First, welcome to the forum, Supervixn! I'm sorry it's taken some time for replies. Sometimes threa...

Please tell me how you've done this. Thanks!

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Please tell me how you've done this. Thanks!

God, Eve, I feel really stupid, but done what? Learned self-acceptance? Or learned how to be open here?

 

[Supervixn]

Thanks for replying!!

What helps you?

 

[Deleted member 33052]

The most important thing, I think, is learning how to talk about your trauma. I discovered that once I started talking about it, it lost its dirty little secret status. That gave me a chance to start working on my shame.

This is the only place I'd ever found where I felt safe to be myself. And being accepted as I was, and being understood, was like finding family (the good kind). And getting to know such compassionate and wonderful people has allowed me to look at myself in a much kinder light. I'm sure you'll feel the same way.

I'm looking forward to getting you know you, Supervixn! :)

 

[LisawithPTSD]

I have cPTSD as well. The hard part for me is I can't specifically pinpoint a trauma to work on, just have the feeling of worthlessness you and Mal mentioned. I feel like its only a matter of time before someone sees thru and rejects me. Its only a matter of time before I lash out. I can't be consistent enough emotionally to be around anyone and I'm surprised at those that stick around despite me, despite my pushing them away. All I can say is thank god for dogs. If I didn't have my dogs I'd be gone. The pain is too great.

I guess I don't have words of comfort other than you're not alone in these feelings. And I appreciate you post because I know I'm not alone in them either.

 

[Supervixn]

Well... while we all work on our issues, we are quite blessed to have this community. Full of other people who can relate on a personal level and not just a sympathetic way-- people who actually feel and experience the disorder firsthand. We have this place and we have friends here... so, hi friend! :) Glad you're here.

 

[Laura Beth Myers]

I have cPTSD as well. The hard part for me is I can't specifically pinpoint a trauma to work on, j...

Lisa, Sometimes it seems as if my entire life has become filled with trauma. And I've been retraumatizing myself since childhood in such a fashion with men in an us v them fashion I can't find a way out. Now I've been working with therapists for about ten years on CPTSD and thus alone, finding myself truly incapable of friends with just my parents. My Mom's just passed.

You seem right on the button. There's no specific trauma, just a lack of form and self development in childhood that lead to truly awful events in life that've to be dealt with now. (I've some memories of molestation.) I found myself telling my new therapist that I don't want to focus on 'what' happened but just the symptoms now. The eating disorder, the fear of going outside, the need to care for myself when I'm worth cutting (did I scare you off?).

I've been thinking of Hamlet. Because, like Hamlet, I'm trying to say my family is worth something and my actions were due to abuse. But I've not the skills or self confidence to be with others, to remove myself from an Oedipal/Electra dynamic of my own. I keep feeling guilty for having to harm an abuser I loved and then harming myself by focusing on talking about the past. So my solution is to forget the abuser (like the Uncle in Hamlet) and his actions, and deal with my symptoms.

But it's all way messy and I'm so isolated. And my thoughts are unclear most likely. I'd focus on not looking for trauma and just making your symptoms of trauma recede--you don't need more of what you've already. Why punish yourself? Your brain's just protecting itself--the abuser doesn't want it to happened, at least that's what I'm beginning to hope to think? Be safe.

Just forgive that person in a Christian way if you can? Laura I'm really working to do this. I'll let you know how it goes.

 

[Mach123]

for me to engage with people, like at all.

That says it for me. "Like at all." I am so distorted in the way I view (hear) the things people say to me or about me. My filter is so out of whack I think I hear people attacking me, what they said could be totally innocent and probably is, and I practically explode and say some terrible thing. I can't see it happening either. : (

 

[LisawithPTSD]

That says it for me. "Like at all." I am so distorted in the way I view (hear) the things people say...

me too!

 

[mumstheword]

It's taken me so long to start to let down my guard and let a couple of people in. Having said that I had kids too and I focused on them, in a way to avoid having to engage with others too much or too deeply and in a way to do the opposite to what my mother did and I did succeed in being a very different mother to her. Unfortunately the c-PTSD has gotten in the way of even being able to the mother I wanted to be.

I was out of the nest very young and have very immature socially maladapted parents so bonding with them hasn't really happened either.

I have, however, been able to connect with a small number of fellow sufferers.
Peers are, basically, the only kind of people I can safely be myself around.