Processing something from t #1

[Deleted member 37474]

I was out walking my dog thinking about the past and I started feeling really angry. Then I heard my old T's voice in my head from when she said, "so you were willing to sweep it all under the rug, if he would have married you or stayed the night."

So basically she was saying that I had/have zero self respect.

My current T has said that there was a trauma related reason I asked him to stay. There is a name for it and we can't get into that right now.

1st T was cbt
2nd T is trauma/emdr

Not sure what my question is. Should my 1st T have said that? How was that supposed to help me? It is really bothering me, probably because I am stuck in the betrayal part of my trauma loop.

 

[deeplyloved]

Ouch. I wish I had something to offer but want to witness and affirm that I agree with your current T...not the first one.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I can actually relate to what the first one said, as well as agree with the second one about it coming from a place of trauma.

I remember being willing to sweep much abuse under the proverbial rug for years as long as my basic needs were being met.

I felt like if I didn't accept it, my life would be in much greater danger, my ability to have a roof over my head would vanish, would have no food to eat, etc.

Being talked down to, getting my ass beat, being sexually berated, and having a gun in my face on occasion seemed a small price to pay for what I believed to be a feeling of "security".

At the time, after having also lived an abusive childhood, that's all I really understood. I had absolutely no self-worth to pull from, as I'd never been taught what a healthy version looked like. I continue to work on building it several decades later.

 

[Scarlet13]

I think the anger is there because there is almost like an undercurrent of an insult or a judgement there.
Like you are weak or something like that.
It is hard to tell because I do not know the whole story.
I think definately working with a trauma T is better than a CBT T at getting the nuances of trauma.
My current T really gets the nuances, like she words things carefully because she knows how sensitive I am to criticism and judgement.

 

[Scarlet13]

Like she is saying you are weak for staying with him (when really you are not.)

 

[Sideways]

I don’t have any context to what you’re T was saying but is it possible that she was reflecting something back to you? My T will often feed things back to me to try and help me realise, “Oh, crap...”

Reflecting back is one method of active listening (not always a well-used method!) which Ts can use a lot. So, the person feeds back to you their interpretation of what you’ve just said, like “So what you’re saying is....”

 

[Deleted member 37474]

I don’t have any context to what you’re T was saying but is it possible that she was reflect...

Maybe so.... I just remember the "tone." It felt like victim blaming. But... now that I think about it in your wording about reflection it is possible that she was trying to make me see what motive I had for asking him to stay which was in an effort to deny what really just had happened.

But... my new T keeps telling me that I didn't control what I blocked out. My brain blocked it out because it was traumatic. So, looking at it from that angle maybe in my shocked mind it was semi-consensual, well thought of as I didn't have a choice so I will just do what I am told (if that is consensual). And then wanting him to stay the night and hold me in my sleep... just part of the denial?

I guess the real question is why the hell am I trying to process this while my T is out of town?!?

 

[Sideways]

I guess the real question is why the hell am I trying to process this while my T is out of town?!?

Maybe because you have a bit more space at the moment to process things? It’s often helpful to me when my T takes a holiday. My brain seems to go back and mull on stuff without the pressure of weekly therapy...

 

[Scarlet13]

Maybe you have healed enough to process it.