I'm having a tough time.

[Nikki Carter]

Lately I've been struggling, more so than usual. I've been feeling very scared, angry and powerless about situations from the past. I keep getting these vivid memories of previous trauma, from my abusive relationship, from my family, and from the violence and abuse I received growing up black in a small white city. I can't shake it. I feel numb. Then I just want to scream and cry, but nothing changes. This hasn't happened to me in a while, usually I have periodic bursts of anxiety and stress but they're never this intense.

Today I was watching Stranger Things (No spoilers, I promise) and a character brought up The Anniversary Effect. Talking about how the anniversary of traumatic effects can bring back some of those intense feelings. Then, I realized that I had ended my abusive relationship two years ago this month.

I don't know when these feelings will end, or any other ways to process them so I'm posting this. I, like many, don't enjoy feeling powerless.

 

[Mundz]

Nikki, thank you so much for sharing your post. Things like this can be so hard to share, especially when it feels like you are just screaming in an empty space alone. Let me be the first to commend you on your bravery for sharing how you feel. I know you feel powerless but I assure you that you are far from being that. If anything, the stress and anxiety you feel inside is signs of a strong heart that has had to be strong alone for far too long.

Please be gentle on yourself, these things take time and ultimately for your own sanity, realise that none of this was your fault. Sometimes humanity does things that just make you despair on the cruel depths people are willing to sink. However, other times you come to places like this and your faith in humanity is restored, even if only slightly. We are all here for you, sharing in your journey and willing you to a place of contentment and happiness :). I know this may not be much, but know that if I could hug you right now I would. Never give up on being you because the world would be a worse off place :hug:

 

[Nikki Carter]

Nikki, thank you so much for sharing your post. Things like this can be so hard to share, especially when...

Thank you very much Mundz, I really needed that :)

 

[Mundz]

Thank you very much Mundz, I really needed that :)

It is my pleasure :) we are all here for you always

 

[LuckiLee]

So sorry you're struggling.

Anniversary date's are a bit*#. Take special care of yourself.

XO

 

[Kopykat]

@Nikki Carter sorry for what you’re going through. The healing process can be a long one and a very frustrating one. But as Mundz said, even just beginning to share on here is a good step in the right direction. I’ve been in therapy for awhile for trauma and there are times I feel like I’m back at square one but I keep doing it bc well I don’t want to be this way forever. You mentioned an anniversary, boy those are tough triggers sometimes. I can totally understand your frustration. Be kind to yourself and don’t get too frustrated, it does take time, it would be totally kick ass if we could all resolve our PTSD and other things quickly but we can’t. Remember we are all here to chat with too. Take care.

 

[Freida]

I'm headed into an anniversary in the next week or so and I'm already climbing the walls. I talked with a friend who has control of his ptsd and he said just being aware that this is an anniversary reaction is a huge win. In the past I was unable to connect how I feel with why, this year I can. This year I have tools I can start to use so hopefully it won't be as bad. Next year, hopefully more tools and less stress...and so on. Eventually I will hopefully be able to get thru it without feeling that need to scream. (See all the hopefullys? )

It is irritating that it moves so slowly but at least it's forwards momentum. Give yourself credit for baby steps